Past Lives

As Ads left the room, I flopped back against the pillows. How was I going to tell Max that I was the biggest bitch on the face of the earth. It was my fault that his heart was going to be broken. It was my fault that he was going to be hurt. It was all my fault.

I heard a knock on the door and didn't move. "Max?"

"It's me. Jamie?" I heard his muffled voice and sighed. Everything was coming at once.

Sitting up, I said, "Come on in, Max." I heard the door open and Max was then standing in front of me. I didn't know what to say. It felt like my tongue was glued to the roof of my mouth.

Max looked at me. "Everything ok, Jamie?"

I shook my head slowly, dreading the next minutes. "Max...sit down." I swallowed the fear and sadness and said, "We need to talk about something."

Fear overtook Max's face. I could tell he wasn't expecting this. "What's wrong?" I swore I heard his voice tremble. This was going to be so much harder than I thought.

"Max...I'm going to tell you something. I'm going to beg you to not say anything until I'm completely finished. It's going to be hard enough to do this as it is."

Max was clearly terrified, but he did as I said. I took a deep breath. "Max, I'm a terrible, horrible, awful person." This is off to a great start. "See...you know me. I'm not one to watch my friends get hurt. I'm not one to let others get away with hurting my friends." Unlike what I'm doing right now... "When I saw what seeing you with Ads did to Brooks, it felt good to finally see some of what Ads felt be felt by him."

I looked at the floor. I couldn't look at Max. "So..." I didn't want to do this...but I knew I had to. "So when Ads wanted to stop seeing you because of your connection to Brooks, I told her not to. I told her that Brooks deserved to feel the same hurt she had." I shook my head. "It all became a game: What Would Hurt Brooks the Most?" This all sounded even worse out in the open than it did in my head. How had I let myself go through with this idea? "Max...you were a pawn in the game."

Max looked like someone had slapped him. Like someone had slapped him and then ripped his beating heart out of his chest. He was white. I was so going to hell. "But Max...when I saw that you were falling for each other, I knew it had all been a big mistake. Ads is crazy about you and I can tell you're falling in love with her." I shook my head and looked up at him.

"Max," I said, tears glistening on my cheeks, tears I hadn't realized leaked out. "Max, this is all my fault. I just hope that one day you can forgive me. I don't expect you to any time soon. I don't even expect you to respond to me. I wouldn't blame you if you never wanted to see me again." I wiped my cheeks. "I just wanted you to know the truth."

Max shook his head, "All this time..." He looked at me. I saw he was crying, too. "Jamie...it was all a lie."

"No, Max," I argued, pushing hair behind my ear, "it wasn't all a lie." He was broken and it was all my fault. "Ads is crazy about you."

Ads walked in then with an equally sad look haunting her face. Before she could say anything, I stood up. "I think I'll let you two talk." I left the room. I heard Ads start to talk as I stepped away from the door. I didn't know where to go. I couldn't talk to Brooks, I was too angry at him.

I found a squishy chair and pulled out my phone. I just needed someone to talk to. I hit the buttons and sent a text to Scuds.

To: Scuds
I just told Max everything.

I was worried about what was going on in that hotel room. I didn't want to think about the broken hearts; not when they were my fault.

From: Scuds
Do you need someone?

I didn't know if that was the best idea. I didn't need to do something stupid. I shook my head while I typed.

To: Scuds
I don't know if that's the best idea right now.

I received a reply almost instantly.

From: Scuds
I understand.

I wanted him to come over. I wanted him to distract me. But right now, I needed to deal with the pain I had caused everyone.

I looked down the hall and saw Max leaving the room. I hurried down the hall and walked into the room to see Ads crying. I sat next to her and put my arm around her. "Ads?"

She shook her head as her tears fell. "Max..." I knew what had happened. I knew what had happened and it was all my fault. "Max broke up with me."

I couldn't do anything but hug her.

--

The next morning, Ads and I got ready to go to the game. It was going to be amazing. It was cold, it was snowing and it was hockey. What could possibly be better?

If everyone were happy.

Bundled up in thermals and hoodies with jerseys on top, we headed out into the cold Buffalo morning. Sabres fans tormented us, but we gave it right back. I had a good feeling about today. It was like...winning was in the air or something.

As we entered the stadium, I realized something:

I didn't think Max was playing.

My fears were confirmed as we took our seats next to Max and Flower. I let out a long breath. This was going to be exceedingly awkward. Marc stood up and gave us each hugs. "I'm glad you guys could come."

I smiled. "Well this is epic pond hockey. I'm in."

He laughed and asked Ads, "How about you?"

She nodded. "It'll be awesome."

I had never been in such an awkward situation. Max wasn't speaking to me at all - understandable. When he did talk to Ads, it was so forced and formal it was painful. Flower and I tried to talk and make observations to skirt the awkward.

We all screamed as Army scored early on in the first. This was going to be amazing.

...We didn't see another goal until the second when Brian Campbell scored to tie it up. We glared at the ice. What did he go and do that for?

The third was frustrating. I wanted someone to break my nerves. This game was going to give me a heart attack. As the tie continued into overtime, I clenched my hands to the point of nails digging into my palms. I hated overtime; it made me too nervous. One false move and it was all over.

The shootout, though...

I loved shootouts. At least there was more of a chance. There was a good deal of pressure on the goalies and the shooters. It was a great way to watch the guys perform under pressure. Ales Kotalik scored on the first shot against Ty. We groaned. I could tell Flower wanted to be on the ice. Erik missed on his shot. I was worried. We couldn't let Buffalo get the upper hand. Ty made a save on Tim Connolly before Kris came out and snuck the puck behind Ryan MIller. We screamed for him as Ty took his place in the goal. Maxim Afinogenov couldn't fool Ty. He made the save. We screamed for Sid as Miller skated back into goal. All Sid had to do was be himself and the game was ours.

As Sid skated towards Ryan, everything went into slow motion. I saw every deke, every twitch. Max and Flower were yelling. Ads was chanting Sid's name. I was too mesmerized by his skill.

"YES!" I jumped up and hugged Ads as the puck found its way past Miller. "YES, YES! HELL YES!" We all hugged and screamed. As the snow fell, I knew today was magical. Awkward, but magical.

Hopefully things would be normal again soon.