My Box of Secrets

The First Card

Some kids just have one secret…maybe a couple, but most kids don’t have a whole box of them. Why do I? Well…

“I’m so afraid I like him more that I’m paranoid. I know I’m pushing my way in, but I can’t stop. I crave him…I crave the attention. I know if I don’t stop I’ll freak him out or force myself into another attack. I can’t believe that he would like me that much.”
During the hardest part of my graduated life, I met someone we’ll call “T”. I met him while I was engaged. My relationship was failing and he was a new person who shared my interests, actually liked me and was someone I could hold conversation with. I liked him immediately and the guilt of it was killing me. This became card number one in my box. I never had many guy friends after I started dating seriously because I never wanted anyone to be jealous; I never wanted to create animosity. I also never wanted to be tempted, although I never realized this was a major reason until I met T. Throughout my relationship with “J”, there was always an uncertainty about what he wanted. What he really expected of what we had. A lot of these cards will cross over with each other, so if you feel like your missing something, you’re not. It’s coming. We fell apart spectacularly at the end, it was almost worthy of it’s own TV show. Literally. And when I started seeing T, it was like a whole new world…a world where my box didn’t matter. Nor did the hours I spent staring into space while I laid on my mom’s couch. Or the hours I spent sleeping in an almost coma-like state. And that’s when the worst of the anxiety set in, when it really started to control me….this was just card number one.