My Box of Secrets

Card number Four

"I don't think I'll ever believe that anyone loves me. I know it's because I don't love myself and I really don't think I care. Inwardly I believe no one would ever love me anyway."

This one is pretty self explanitory, I think. When J and I started having serious problems, he would still say he loved me. After I left him, I wondered if he really meant it. It did not occur to me until much later that the real issue was wether or not I believed it. Part of my brain was saying yes, but the rational part was doubtful. A few days before I chose this card to post here I thought of something else that had never occured to me. Did I really think Iloved him? Or anyone else? I rwalized that I did not feel about him teh same way that I did about my first serious boyfriend "k"., whom I know I loved more than anything. We still see each other every now and again, and we go right back to that best friend behavior. It's always like we never were apart. I know that I never felt about J or even T how I felt about K. Does that mean I don't love them? Or maybe just not as much? I have no idea, but I know I have a hard time believeing any of them loved me. Maybe someday I'll figure that out. Right now? Pppffttt.