Pushing You Away

Things had been good at first. Very good. She was convinced that she loved him when it ended. And of course it ended, as it had to.

As she was falling more for him, a spark of something was growing inside of him for someone else.

He had loved her; he had cared for her. He didn’t want to hurt her.
And so he decided to end things with Kathleen Grace before he hurt her.
It was supposed to be a gesture that showed he cared, even if he loved another girl.
It was supposed to save her from hurt, but instead their end only broke her heart.

And so, after dating from December to April, Kathleen had to endure watching him be with Ginny. She had to suffer the pain of knowing that he loved Ginny. She had to suffer through Quidditch practices; she had to suffer through watching them kiss in the common room.

He had truly thought he was protecting her from the hurt that he might inflict upon her. Hurting her was the last thing he’d ever wanted.

He did feel something for Ginny, at least he thought he did; he knew it wouldn’t be fair to Kathleen if he had remained with her while feeling something for Ginny.

He had slight feelings toward Ginny, but he was in love with Kathleen. And he didn’t realize it until he returned with Dumbledore after searching for the locket.

He didn’t know that his heart could drop so quickly in his chest as it did when he saw the Dark Mark floating above the castle. He didn’t realize how much he loved her until he was faced with the possibility of losing her forever.

Numb, he watched Snape kill Dumbledore. In the darkest part of his heart, he hoped that would be the only loss he would endure that night.

He chased Snape. He fought him. But it wasn’t enough and nothing could make Dumbledore come back.

When he finally made it back to the castle, he was looking for her desperately. Suddenly, he was hit with a body. Two arms wrapped around his waist and held him close. But she was the wrong girl.

Over Ginny’s shoulder as he returned the hug, Harry saw Kathleen, battered and dirt-covered, but alive. His heart began pumping faster and he knew. He knew he was in love with her. That he’d always been in love with her.

Now all he had to do was tell her…right after he broke up with Ginny.
It was hard because Ginny had always been there. Harry didn’t want to hurt Ginny, but he knew now that he was in love with Kathleen. So he ended it with Ginny, with a guilty heart.

It was the day of Bill and Fleur’s wedding and he was leaving. She was staying behind, not they’d talked about that. They hadn’t spoken since he’d ended it. He had hurt her, ironically, as that was the one thing he’d wanted to avoid.

“Kathleen!” he called as he caught sight of her in the garden, away from the commotion.
“Harry.” She greeted, but she wouldn’t look at him, he noted with a churning in his stomach.

“I need to talk to you.”
“Okay?”

“I was stupid. I shouldn’t have…I thought I felt something for her. And I didn’t…I didn’t want to question what I felt for you. I was trying to protect you—”

“Well you didn’t.”
“Just give me another chance.”

“What’s going to happen when you have doubts again, Harry?”

“It won’t.”
“You can’t guarantee that.”

“I love you!”
“I loved you.”

“Kathleen—”
“Please Harry—”

He pulled her to him and kissed her, cutting off her words.
It was automatic; she wrapped her arms around his neck to pull him closer.
As his arms moved slowly to wrapped around her waist, they kissed again and again, trying to chase after what they let slip away.

And it felt so right to be in his arms again, but her heart wanted to burst with love and hate. He couldn’t do this to her again. She couldn’t let herself get close to him again. She couldn’t let him hurt her yet again.

When they kissed, she knew it must be for the last time. He pulled away and brought his hands up to hold her face.

He smiled at her, but it only broke her heart more.

“I have to go.” she muttered.
“No.” he said with that stupid smile still on his face.
“Yes.” she replied, trying to keep as much emotion out of her voice as possible.

“Kathleen—”
“I’m not doing this again Harry.”
“What do you mean?”

“I can’t do this.”
“Kathl—”
“You hurt me, Harry. And I know our breakup was a preemptive strike to avoid hurting me, but it didn’t work. I…I can’t let you hurt me again. You need to go. Find the Horcruxes. Kill Voldemort. And then you can live your life—”

“I want you in my life.”
“I can’t be.”

“Kathleen—”
“Just let me go.” She pleaded. “I don’t want to hurt anymore.”

That was the last thing he’d wanted to do. So he let her go. He left her behind as she wanted, even though his heart shattered as he apparated away. Even though his heart ached for her every day that he was gone. Every day that passed was pure agony; he didn’t know how he had survived the last few months in such lonely ignorance. He knew he had to go back, as soon as he could. Going back, however, Harry was faced with the chance of losing her again.
|||||

His heart stopped as he saw a Killing Curse fly by her. He didn’t know if the curse hit her
“Kathleen!” He screamed as she fell. He charged over toward her, dodging curses and jumping over the fallen bodies.

“Kathleen!” he called again as he reached her and took her into his arms. She was alive. A bit scratched up but safe in his arms.

“Kathleen,” He murmured sweetly as he ran a gentle hand down her cheek.

He couldn’t stop himself as he pressed his lips against hers. All he knew was the feeling of her lips moving against his. He doesn’t hear the shouts or see the curses flying. He only saw her.

When he pulled away, he did so with a smile on his face because he thought things would finally be alright. She would be his again. But the frown on her face and the sadness in her eyes told him otherwise.

“Kathleen—” He began, wanting to change her mind. But was too late.

“It’s not right, Harry. We aren’t right.”

“No—”

“You’ll hurt me again.”

“I won’t, I—”

“I don’t believe you.” It was as simple as that. He could never be the same boy. “You’re not the same anymore—”

“I’m the same person!”

“I look at you and all I see is how you hurt me. I’m not giving you the chance to do that again.”

“I won’t.”

“You and me Harry…this isn’t right. You’re not good for me.”

“I love you.”

“No, you don’t Harry.”

“You can’t tell me how I feel, Kathleen.”

“I can tell you how I feel. Sure it’s nice to be with you…but it’s not worth the pain in the end.”

“Kathleen.” She shook her head.

“I’m sorry, Harry.”

|||||

She was sorry. She was sorry that they had to be like this. She was sorry that this was their ending. She was sorry that this was their story.

But then, she saw his body, lying at the feet of Voldemort. She was sorry most of all that she’d pushed him away. She had been a fool to let him go. He had hurt her and she had hurt him. Now it was too late to fix it.

Realization fell down upon her swiftly and painfully.
She was in love with Harry Potter. But that didn’t matter now. Now she had nothing left to lose. She had wasted so much time being hurt and angry at a boy who she had pushed away twice. She could’ve had him forever. But now it was too late.

Kathleen Grace decided then, with her hands clenched into fists, that she would make it up to Harry. She had let him go. She had pushed him away. She stared at his corpse with angry tears in her eyes; she decided that she would get revenge on the monster that took Harry away from her.

The battle flew by before her eyes. Neville chopped the head off of Voldemort’s snake. Chaos ensued. People were running. People were screaming. The only thing she could see was Voldemort.

She advanced toward him and engaged in a duel with him, with two others beside her. But Voldemort was strong. He was a better dueler than the three of them. With one flick of his wand, he sent the three of them flying back.

And then the whispers started. They said that Harry was alive. It was impossible. How could he be…?

She stood up and looked toward the center of the Hall. There he was. A smile came firmly onto her face. He was alive.

He was alive and she watched with a proud smile on her face as Voldemort died.

In the chaos of celebration she fought through the crowd to get to him.

“Harry!” she yelled as soon as she saw him.

“Kathleen!” he called back as he fought to get to her.

He was alive.

“Harry.” She smiled as they neared each other.

He said nothing as he wrapped his arms around her tightly.

She whispered, “I love you.”