I'm Fine
I'm Fine
"I'm fine, really." I insisted as I put my head down on my desk. I slept a nice solid nine hours last night, and I still couldn't stay awake. Lilly, my best friend forever and a day, hovered over me. She'd been telling me how worried she was about me lately. I couldn't see how she'd be worried about me, I thought she only worried about which boy liked her more.
"No, you're not. Why wont you talk to me?" She sounded hurt, defeated. This had been going on for weeks now, maybe months. I was okay though, everything was fine. She slammed her hands down on the desk at my lack of response. "Answer me! You never want to stay awake anymore, you hardly eat, you don't want to hang out or do anything, you're always mad; you just don't give a shit anymore." She lowered her voice so she was practically whispering in my ear.
I drew the strength from sheer will power to look up at her. "I'm okay, Lillian." I only used her full name when I was being completely serious. We stared at each other for a long time. Her eyes were beautiful, and I loved them. I loved her, I really did; it was just so hard living up to her. Her beautiful body, her beautiful face, her beautiful laugh, her beautiful voice, amazing personality; her perfection.
As I was sitting there, looking at her. I saw her love for me in her eyes. She loved me, almost as much as I loved her. I was her best friend too, and she didn't see me and the disgusting failure I saw myself. I was just as perfect as she was. She turned around and took the chair at the desk next to me just as the teacher walked in. She was quiet for the rest of the class, and left without saying goodbye. I was to tired to chase her, and almost to tired to care.
I dragged my feet across the classroom to the door, yawning as I switched my books to my other hand. "Julie, can I speak with you?" I looked over at Mr. M's desk, debating. "What's up?" I asked, leaning on his desk so I wouldn't fall over. He looked at me over his glasses, examining me. "How are you?"The question shot anger through me. Why was everyone so fucking concerned all of a sudden. I was fine. Everything was fine. "I'm okay, how are you?" I never, ever missed a beat. "I'm okay too. I just wanted to ask you about this test..." He dug around in his bag for a minute, "Ah, here it is." He pushed it towards me, the thin paper fluttering to the table. An F. I, got an F on something. I don't think i'd ever gotten an F before.
"There has to be some sort of mistake," I looked up at him, putting on my condescending, reasoning, mature voice that worked on all authority. I specialized in that, it made them respect you; made them see that you weren't just a stupid kid.
"No mistake, Jules." I looked down at the paper, reading over my first answer. It was multiple choice, and I read over my answer. It was obviously wrong, and right now I knew the right answer. Why would I get such an easy question wrong? I read the next one, realizing I did the same thing. I felt my face turn red with some unknown emotion. "Look, it's okay. I was going to say you could retake it if you want. Just don't let it happen again, because you can't be in AP American Literature with grades like that." His voice was soft, kind. I liked Mr. M, a lot.
I stared at the paper without looking up at him. Why did it matter, it was only one F. "No thanks, I'll take the grade; thank you anyway." I turned to leave the room without looking back. I could only imagine the look on his face. I didn't want to see the same look there that I did on Lilly's.
"But, what about-" I knew where he was going with this, I didn't need him to finish.
"If this one grade really effects my status in the class, then drop me from it." I was to tired to deal with the work load, anyway. I walked out into the hallway, crumbling up the test and tossing it into the trashcan. What was wrong with everyone lately? Why was I suddenly such a concern?
I took out my phone and looked at my four unread messages. All were from Lilly. She was going on and on about how upset she was that we were growing apart and I wasn't telling her what was going on. I hit reply, Lilly, please. Nothing is going on, we aren't growing apart, and everything is fine. You're driving me crazy, please stop. I hit send and went to the bathroom; getting there just as the bell rang to start next period.
I was late for class now, but it didn't matter. Not like anything we learned in math was actually important or useful. I stared in the scratched mirror on the wall and splashed water on my face. Maybe I'd go to the nurses office and lay down, that way I could sleep in peace. I reached into my backpack and took out my little bottle, my best friend. Well, my best friend besides Lilly; they weren't as good as her. Yet.
I popped three into my mouth, hesitating before popping three more in. Now I could stay awake for the rest of the day, or at least until lunch. I looked up at the clock, I was already five minutes late. The pills hit me almost instantly and I felt ready to go. I took one more before putting the bottle away and running out of the bathroom and down the hall. My phone vibrated and I looked at it, seeing it was a text from Lilly. I didn't bother reading it, it was probably some bullshit about how I wasn't fine. Which I was.
I didn't know until after school was over that it said, Okay, I love you best friend, and I'll always be there for you no matter what.
"No, you're not. Why wont you talk to me?" She sounded hurt, defeated. This had been going on for weeks now, maybe months. I was okay though, everything was fine. She slammed her hands down on the desk at my lack of response. "Answer me! You never want to stay awake anymore, you hardly eat, you don't want to hang out or do anything, you're always mad; you just don't give a shit anymore." She lowered her voice so she was practically whispering in my ear.
I drew the strength from sheer will power to look up at her. "I'm okay, Lillian." I only used her full name when I was being completely serious. We stared at each other for a long time. Her eyes were beautiful, and I loved them. I loved her, I really did; it was just so hard living up to her. Her beautiful body, her beautiful face, her beautiful laugh, her beautiful voice, amazing personality; her perfection.
As I was sitting there, looking at her. I saw her love for me in her eyes. She loved me, almost as much as I loved her. I was her best friend too, and she didn't see me and the disgusting failure I saw myself. I was just as perfect as she was. She turned around and took the chair at the desk next to me just as the teacher walked in. She was quiet for the rest of the class, and left without saying goodbye. I was to tired to chase her, and almost to tired to care.
I dragged my feet across the classroom to the door, yawning as I switched my books to my other hand. "Julie, can I speak with you?" I looked over at Mr. M's desk, debating. "What's up?" I asked, leaning on his desk so I wouldn't fall over. He looked at me over his glasses, examining me. "How are you?"The question shot anger through me. Why was everyone so fucking concerned all of a sudden. I was fine. Everything was fine. "I'm okay, how are you?" I never, ever missed a beat. "I'm okay too. I just wanted to ask you about this test..." He dug around in his bag for a minute, "Ah, here it is." He pushed it towards me, the thin paper fluttering to the table. An F. I, got an F on something. I don't think i'd ever gotten an F before.
"There has to be some sort of mistake," I looked up at him, putting on my condescending, reasoning, mature voice that worked on all authority. I specialized in that, it made them respect you; made them see that you weren't just a stupid kid.
"No mistake, Jules." I looked down at the paper, reading over my first answer. It was multiple choice, and I read over my answer. It was obviously wrong, and right now I knew the right answer. Why would I get such an easy question wrong? I read the next one, realizing I did the same thing. I felt my face turn red with some unknown emotion. "Look, it's okay. I was going to say you could retake it if you want. Just don't let it happen again, because you can't be in AP American Literature with grades like that." His voice was soft, kind. I liked Mr. M, a lot.
I stared at the paper without looking up at him. Why did it matter, it was only one F. "No thanks, I'll take the grade; thank you anyway." I turned to leave the room without looking back. I could only imagine the look on his face. I didn't want to see the same look there that I did on Lilly's.
"But, what about-" I knew where he was going with this, I didn't need him to finish.
"If this one grade really effects my status in the class, then drop me from it." I was to tired to deal with the work load, anyway. I walked out into the hallway, crumbling up the test and tossing it into the trashcan. What was wrong with everyone lately? Why was I suddenly such a concern?
I took out my phone and looked at my four unread messages. All were from Lilly. She was going on and on about how upset she was that we were growing apart and I wasn't telling her what was going on. I hit reply, Lilly, please. Nothing is going on, we aren't growing apart, and everything is fine. You're driving me crazy, please stop. I hit send and went to the bathroom; getting there just as the bell rang to start next period.
I was late for class now, but it didn't matter. Not like anything we learned in math was actually important or useful. I stared in the scratched mirror on the wall and splashed water on my face. Maybe I'd go to the nurses office and lay down, that way I could sleep in peace. I reached into my backpack and took out my little bottle, my best friend. Well, my best friend besides Lilly; they weren't as good as her. Yet.
I popped three into my mouth, hesitating before popping three more in. Now I could stay awake for the rest of the day, or at least until lunch. I looked up at the clock, I was already five minutes late. The pills hit me almost instantly and I felt ready to go. I took one more before putting the bottle away and running out of the bathroom and down the hall. My phone vibrated and I looked at it, seeing it was a text from Lilly. I didn't bother reading it, it was probably some bullshit about how I wasn't fine. Which I was.
I didn't know until after school was over that it said, Okay, I love you best friend, and I'll always be there for you no matter what.