And Now the Tables Do Turn

As Dree left, she slammed the door behind her and the sound rang in my ears. I could feel Josh’s eyes on me as I tried to wipe my tears away. He reached out for me, but I took a step backwards. My hands were shaking as I pressed a hand to my forehead, my eyes closed.

I sank onto the edge of the sofa, putting my head in my hands. My mind was racing, thoughts traveling at a thousand miles per hour. Tears were pouring down my cheeks, and a lump had formed in my throat and I felt sick. Soon enough, Josh had joined me on the sofa and I allowed him to put an arm around me. He eventually pulled me to him, and allowed me cry into the skin of his neck.

“It’s going to be okay, Spence,” he told me quietly, as I tried to calm myself down. His fingertips were moving over the surface of my skin in a rather soothing way. He smelled like Axe and fabric softener and as distraught as I was, I found myself clinging to him.

“How is it going to be okay?” I questioned, pulling away from him, wiping my eyes. I undoubtedly had mascara and eyeliner running down my cheeks. I sniffled, my nose stuffed from crying. “Dree is obviously going to tell Stephen, who’s going to tell John!”

“Well, maybe this is for the better,” Josh suggested, shrugging.

“‘For the better?’ How the fuck is this for the better? I’m breaking John’s heart, and everyone is going to hate me!”

“We’re not going to have to keep this secret anymore. Less stress. And who cares about John?” he asked with a scoff. He was trying to make me feel better, I knew he was.

“I do. I love him, Josh. He’s your best friend, so you should too,” I reminded him, the lump returning to my throat. Josh’s brow creased and I licked my lips, fighting back tears. I stood up quickly and his hands left my waist. I scratched the back of my neck with a sigh, pacing a bit.

We remained silent and he watched me pace back and forth across my living room for ten minutes.

“Dammit, Spencer, you’re going to burn a hole in the floor,” he cursed, reaching into his pocket for his pack of cigarettes and his lighter. Normally, I didn’t let anybody smoke in my apartment, but I rolled my eyes, returning to the sofa. As he was about to return the pack to his pocket, I took it from his hand, shaking out a cigarette of my own.

“Give me a light,” I said, placing it between my lips. I leaned forward for him to light the end of the cigarette. He looked surprised as I inhaled slowly.

“Since when do you smoke?” he asked skeptically, taking another drag off his own cigarette.

“I used to smoke, but I quit a year and a half ago because I couldn’t afford it. I still smoke occasionally though. I’d usually take a cigarette from John every now and then,” I explained, my hands shaking slightly.

We smoked in silence and I felt myself relax. My anxiety floated away and I put the cigarette out in the ashtray I kept on the coffee table for whenever John was over.

“So what now?” Josh asked, looking over at me. He was no longer sitting on the edge of the sofa as I was, and was instead leaning back, his arm behind his head. I licked my lips, looking back at him.

“You mentioned getting out of town?” I said, raising my eyebrows. I raised my hand to my mouth, chewing on my thumbnail nervously.

“You still want to go?”

“May as well. I just need to get out of here.” I sighed, wiping my eyes again. Josh nodded, leaning forward. He put an arm around my waist and kissed my shoulder.

“We can go pack, then we’ll go to my place and I’ll pack, then we’ll just drive. Sound good?”

“Yeah,” I answered quietly. He offered me a sad smile and he kissed my lips cautiously. He stood up, pulling me to my feet as well. His fingers laced through mine and he slowly walked back towards my bedroom.

“I’d help you pack, but I have no idea what you’d want to wear,” Josh confessed with a nervous laugh. He dropped onto my bed and silently began to shove things into my overnight bag. I returned to the bathroom, putting my toothbrush and makeup into my travel bag as well. I changed out of my old jeans and Josh’s shirt and pulled on a pair of denim shorts and a baggy shirt.

Soon, we made our way out to his car and I tossed my bag into the backseat. On the drive to his apartment, I leaned away from him, staring out the window. I tried to ignore the aching in my chest, but Dree’s words still rang in my mind. I felt slightly nauseous, and I pulled my knees to my chest.

“Are you okay?” Josh asked when we stopped at a red light. I looked towards him and nodded unconvincingly. I caught a look of his disheartened expression before turning to the window yet again. He reached over and placed his hand on my knee.

We were in and out of his apartment in ten minutes. I sat awkwardly on his bed as he packed his essentials. I toyed with the frayed hem of my shorts, running through things in my mind. Before I could stop myself, I was crying all over again. Thankfully, Josh didn’t notice and I was able to wipe my tears away before he decided that he was ready to go.

Josh drove north for three hours. We didn’t talk much as he drove, only exchanging occasional phrases. Eventually, he laced his fingers through mine and I didn’t pull away. I felt torn. Torn between love and lust, because overall, that was the difference between John and Josh. I didn’t know why I was running away. I knew that as soon as I told John, things would be over between us. The thought of it made my eyes flood with tears.

I heard Josh sigh, and the sound cleared my mind. “This was a mistake, wasn’t it?” he asked, glancing over at me before turning his eyes back to the highway.

“What was?” I asked quietly. His jaw tightened.

“All of this,” he responded, clearing his throat.

I licked my lips and looked over at him. I didn’t react at first, instead I studied him. My eyes traced along line of his jaw. He hadn’t shaved that day and there was a nice amount of stubble build up along his cheeks. His hair was getting a bit too long and his roots were showing. I noticed the scar on his forehead. I traced the lines of his tattoos with my eyes, following the pronounced veins in his forearms. His knuckles were white from gripping the steering wheel tightly, probably to deal with the tension in the car. Despite my overwhelming feeling of guilt and sorrow, I couldn’t take my eyes off of him.

“Spence?” he said after a moment.

I blinked, remembering his original question. “Yeah, uhm, it was.” I looked towards the window, tears stinging in my eyes again. “I’m sorry,” I told him, my voice breaking slightly.

“Sorry?” he repeated, raising an eyebrow.

“For starting this,” I admitted, wiping my eyes. I was tired of crying. As much as it hurt, I just wanted to say it without crying. “This was all my fault to begin with. I, uh, I don’t know why I did it. I ruined my relationship with John, and I ruined your friendship with him too. You and Cori have barely been broken up for twenty-four hours, now we’re running away. I’m such a fucking coward.” I cursed.

“Spencer, Cori and I breaking up had nothing to do with you,” Josh assured me. He glanced my way for emphasis.

“Regardless, I feel like --”

“Well, can we just not talk about this?” he snapped, cutting me off. My brow creased and I retreated, turning to look out the window again.

A tense silence followed. I watched the scenery pass by I bit down on my tongue. I heard Josh shift in his seat, and I could guess that he was turned away from me. I sucked on my teeth, completely irritated as tears welled in my eyes again. Eventually, he sighed.

“S-Spence?” he said, stumbling over the two syllables of my name. I didn’t respond. “Dammit, Spencer, I’m sorry, okay? I-I knew when this started that you were in love with John and I was being selfish.” He paused to laughed nervously. “In all honesty, I’ve always been kind of jealous of him.”

“Jealous of John?” I asked, finally turning towards him again. A smile tugged at the corners of his mouth as he turned off the highway, right outside of Flagstaff. We passed a sign for a Hilton and he turned into the parking lot. He put the car in park before answering my question.

“Yeah, jealous of John. I realize this sounds entirely sappy, but I always kind of had a thing for you.”

I pressed my lips together in a smile, unbuckling my seat belt. I stepped out of his car and stretched my back out before opening the backseat and reaching for my overnight bag. I closed the door and Josh locked the car, taking my bag from me as he kissed me quickly. A smile flickered across my lips as I felt the feelings of anxiety floating away.

Inside, Josh booked us a room and I looked around the lobby. I dropped my bag into a chair and pulled my phone from my pocket. I hadn’t touched my phone for the entire trip, and it really didn’t surprise me to find that I had three voicemails, five missed calls, and eleven texts. I scanned through the texts quickly and dialed my voicemail inbox.
The first voicemail was from Em, simply wanting to know where I was. The second was also from her, yet she sounded more frantic. By that time, she had realized that Josh and I were long gone, and demanded to know where we were.

When I listened to the final voicemail, my stomach dropped. It was from Stephen.

“Spencer, call me back, as soon as you get this. Dree told me what she saw. We need to talk.” That was all he said.

I felt nauseous all over again, and by that time, Josh had gotten us a room. I ended the call to voicemail with shaking hands and look to Josh. He frowned.

“Who was it?” he asked, shoving our keycard and his wallet into his pocket before reaching for my bag.

“Uhm, it was Stephen. Dree told him,” I told him with a quick nod. Before he could react, and before my eyes could fill with tears again, I took off towards the elevators. I hit the up button and waited for Josh to catch up to me before I stepped on.

Inside, he dropped the bags and pressed the ‘18’ button and the doors closed with a chime. “What did he say?” Josh questioned, filling the silence.

“He said that Dree told him what she saw and that we needed to talk,” I answered. I pursed my lips and sighed quietly as the elevator started to climb floors. He didn’t respond and we staying in silence for the rest of the ascent to our floor.

We found our room quickly and pushed the door open. I took my bag from him, placing it in the arm chair. Josh flopped onto the bed with a groan. He buried his face in the fabric of the down comforter and I adjusted the air conditioning. It was honestly ninety degrees in the room, and I was starting to sweat already.

“Just for the record, you’re driving home tomorrow,” Josh mumbled, rolling onto his back. I looked over my shoulder at him to find that he was staring at the ceiling.

“Stop whining,” I said, rolling my eyes. “It’s barely a three hour drive, and you’re pretty much used to it.”

He grumbled something under his breath and I took my hair out of its ponytail, running my hands through it. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and sighed. My eyes were red from crying in the car, and my make-up had been wiped away, along with my tears. I looked tired and several years older than I was. My shirt had lost its fit and was hanging awkwardly from my body. In the reflection, I could see that Josh had rolled onto his eyes and was staring at me. I licked my lips and cleared my throat.

“You’re beautiful,” he told me, noticing that I had seen him watching me. I could see and feel his eyes tracing over the curves of my body. I could only imagine the thoughts that were running through his mind at that moment.

I shook my head and took a deep breath. I was suddenly uncomfortable, and the room was still hot. I opened my bag, rooting through my clothes, and I was glad that I’d packed a tank top. I pulled my shirt off, and a blush rose to my cheeks, knowing that he was watching me. I covered myself with the tank top as quickly as possible and turned to face him, my cheeks still pink. We made eye contact and I nearly had to force myself not to look away.

“Come ‘ere,” he said, biting his lip and smiling at me from across the room. He sat up and patted the spot on the bed next to him. I stayed where I was for nearly a minute, looking down at my feet. Eventually, I sighed and walked towards him, a lump rising in my throat.

I sat several inches away from him on the bed, but he was quick to pull me to him. His hand was on my waist and when I inhaled, I could smell his aftershave. He touched the bare skin of my shoulder and I felt myself tense up completely. He was looking me in the eye, and I felt my pulse skyrocket for no reason. He could sense my discomfort and he frowned. I winced when he leaned forward, pressing his forehead against mine.

He smiled softly, grazing his thumb over my cheekbone. I took a deep breathe, pulling away and repositioning myself so my face was buried in his neck. He laughed quietly, putting his arms around me and pulling me closer.

“Are you okay?” he asked after I stayed that way for several minutes, trying to relax and focus on the moment. I nodded, pulling away. “Good,” he said with a crooked smile. He raised his eyebrows slightly, as though asking for permission to kiss me.

I let him lean forward, pressing his lips against mine. His lips were familiar and sweet. My pulse had slowed, yet it was rising again for a whole different reason. I found myself pressing against him, straddling his lap in no time. His thumbs looped through the belt loops of my shorts, his palms against my hips. Slowly, his hands moved their way up to the hem of my tank top, slipping under the fabric to caress the skin of my abdomen. Our lips parted and we smiled at each other, our noses brushing and our foreheads touching for a short second.

I licked my already swollen lips before kissing him again, my arms around his neck. My fingertips moved over the smooth skin at the back of his neck and I arched my back into him as his hand moved over the spot on my side that always made me squirm. He smirked against my lips, his teeth tugging at my bottom lip momentarily before his lips left mine and pressed against my jaw softly.

Josh’s lips pressed against the skin of my neck once before he pulled away, breathing heavily. I put the corner of my swollen bottom lip. He smiled, licking his lips and pressing his forehead against mine again. His hands stayed under my top, his palms warm against my skin. I could hear my pulse pounding in my ears as I smiled at him.

“Want to know something?” he asked slowly, clearing his throat. He was giving me another half smile and I felt like I was on the brink of swooning.

“What?” I responded, brushing my lips over his again.

“You’re perfect,” Josh whispered, smiling still.

I felt my heart sink, but I covered up the feeling with a smile of my own. John had said that to me before, and it was obvious that I wasn’t. As content and happy as I was in that moment, I knew for a fact that I probably wouldn’t feel that way for quite a while after that night. I felt like crying again, but not over John, over the fact that things between Josh and I would be completely different by that time tomorrow.