Summer of hell

It’s been two months and September it here, the house was getting a little lonely just Jon and I. I decide to look into doing come college class or getting a job somewhere. I would put Jon into day care because he needs to interact with kids. We were now about three going on to four months old. He was carling everywhere and just on the go. Jimmy and I talked about me going to school or work, he didn’t like the idea but I didn’t care. Oh I was going to therapy for what was going on and it was not helping at all. It made me more depress then I was before walking into that office. I hated going but I had to go.

Oh Jimmy’s mother wanted to see me the one day. So her and I when out to lunch while the guys where out. We where both sorry about how we acted when we first meet. She told me on how I remined her of someone and that she didn’t know what came over. We where good with each other, I wouldn’t say where were friends because she did throw Jimmy out when he was younger. I never talked to Jimmy about that day because he would flip out if I told him.

Today, I had Val and Shea come over so we all could catch up on thing. I really wanted to see what they felt about me going to school. They where coming here and then we where all going to take my car out somewhere. We had to take my car because I had Jon. I didn’t mine having him and I loved having him but I wasn’t sure on the girls.

“Hey, Shea on her way.” Val said coming in the back. I was changing Jon's diaper when she came in. “Hey Jon,” she walked over and kiss him on the head.

“Okay, we are all done,” she picked him as I throw out the garbage. “I was thinking we go to like chillie or something.”

“Okay, everything okay?”

“Yep, I just want to talk you guys that all. I just miss the three of us just hanging out like old times.”

“Yea,” we left the room. It was just ten minute and Shea had showed up at my door, once all together. We grabbed what we needed and head out the door. We piled in the car and Val got the front set like always. She toke care of the radio no mater who was in the car with us.

We listen to the music, we sign long and in away dance a long to the music. It was just like old times. When we got there, we where setup right away. We got drinks and we where just bull shitting. Jon wanted to stay on my lap; he wanted nothing to do with the high chair. Which that made eating hard for me but I some how did it. We all got some kind of salad and we talked.

“So Shea how thing going with you and Andy?” Jon was annoying me a little. This was not how I planed this.

“We are doing okay, taking awhile on the whole married thing. We have been at each other's with everything.”

“Yea, I know how that can go,” we both looked at Val. “What? Zacky and I haven’t really been close together lately. I think he up to something and I don’t like it.”

“Really, you seem pretty good with each other.” I try eating my salad and Jon hit the fork out of my hand. “Jon, that enough,” I put him in the high chair and he started to scream. “Lord, just stop.”

“I’m done eating, I will take him,” Val said reaching over taking him out. Jon was going to have to learn to be good and sit but I wasn’t really in the mood today. “So how thing going for you and Jimmy?”

“We are doing okay. He hasn’t really gone to get help with the drugs it kind make me wound a little bit.”

“You talk to him?” I looked up at Val.

“True fully, right now, I have been thinking about me and my baby. Speaking of which, what you two think of me going to college or working?”

“Wow, that was a big shock. I think that would be great but what about Jon?”

“He would go to day care,” I smiled at Shea and then ate my salad.

“What Jimmy thinks?” Val sound a little unsure about the idea.

“He doesn’t really want me to but I lost everyday I’m home alone. There nothing for me to do at the house. I feel stuck there and I love Jon but I need my time.”

“I think you should do it, it will be good for you. God forbid something happen and you need to work. You will have something,” Shea was happy for me but I knew by the look on Val’s face that she was unsure.

The rest of the time there, we talked but we change the subject on to something else. When it was time for us to leave, Jon was getting really cranky. I had to get him home because he was driving me nuts. The Jon in and the guys where all there drinking and having fun which was fine but there was this unpleasant smell. I put Jon in his crib and when out to fine Jimmy to talk to him. Come to fine out that he was high on some kind drug.

I didn’t know what to do, I when back to get Jon and when over to Val’s with JOn. Bri and Matt where in the back having a smoke just talking, they saw me walk pass and Bri toke my arm. I try holding back the tears, Shea toke Jon and laid him on the floor in the living room for his nap. Bri wrapped his arms around me and I cried my eyes out. I was so hurt by Jimmy and I thought he would never hurt me like this. Of course he won’t remember what he did later.

“It will be okay,”

“Brian, he kept this from me. I been trying to be so fucking truthful with him and trying to make myself so fucking better for him and the baby.”

“I know you are, he just,” I pulled away from him.

“Don’t, I know you two are like fucking brother but don’t.” I let go of him and walked in the house. I didn’t want to hear or see anyone so Shea stay with Jon while he slept and I when up to Johnny’s room. I didn’t think I would see him there but he was. “Can I come in?” he was laying in his bed watching t.v.

“Yea, what up?”

“Nothing, I just need a friend that all.”

“You can came to me?”

“Yea,” he smiled and then moved over to make space for me to sit next to him. “So how was studio time?”

“Good, Jimmy was fucking nuts on the drums like always. How was your day?”

“Okay, hey what you think if I when to school?”

“I think that would be great.” I smiled and then looked at the television to see what he was watching. “Jimmy doesn't want you to do it?” Wow, is there something on my face that say Jimmy doesn’t like the idea or something.

“No, but I might just go and do it.” We didn’t talk much after that. We sat there on his bed watching whatever movie was on. An hour had pass and I heard Jon crying so I got up to go check on him. As I was coming down, Jimmy was coming the other way. “Hi,”

“ Hey baby, I was just coming to see you.” wrapped his arms around my waist and try to kiss me. But I let him kiss my cheek; he pulled away and looked at me. “What?”

“You breath smells that all. Jon crying, I have to go and check on him.”

“He fines, what about you and me in a bed room.”

“Jimmy, I am not any whore. I’m your girlfriend and a mother now I have to check on my son.” He pushes me against the wall and blocked me there. “Jimmy, please let me go.”

“Why?” I looked at him.

“Hey Jimmy, come work on music with me.” Johnny said stepping out of his room. “I could use the help.”

He looked at me and then to Johnny, “Yea man, babe I will see you in a little bit.” I nodded and then he let me go. But he grabbed my arm, tighter then usual, he swung me around and kiss me again. He let go and we when on our way, I was scared and he never had scared me like that before.

When I got down there, Matt, Bri and Zacky where sitting with the girl also Melody was there too. Val looked at me, “Anna, what happen?” I looked at her funny, “You look like you saw a fucking ghost.” Yea I did and it’s was my fucking boyfriend, I wanted to say that but I couldn’t.

“Oh it’s nothing. What was wrong with Jon?”

“He woke up that all. He okay,” they when on talking and I head to the kitchen for some water. “Did he hurt you,” I turn and saw Val standing there.

“No,” I grabbed water from the package and head out back. I grabbed Jimmy’s smoked and head out back. I hadn’t had one in such a long time about year maybe. I sat down and light up, taking that first puff felt so much better. I was starting to thinkg maybe going back to Jersey for a little bit to help Jimmy and I but I didn’t want to leave him. I loved him and I couldn’t leave him.

I was out there for an hour just watching the water hit the shoreline. It was nice just sitting there taking the view in. Jimmy had come out with Jon in his arms all happy. He sat right next to me and of course Jon wanted to go right to me. We sat there the three of us. Jon wanted to go but he couldn’t. Jimmy had his arm around me and I lend my head on him. We didn’t say a word to each other, which was nice until Jimmy open his mouth. There when my nice moment to myself.

“You going to college?”

“I want to,”

“Okay, then. How many classes?”

“Not sure yet, I was going to put Jon in day care for that time so he with kids his age. I would be with people and not sitting at home watching the clock for you to come home.”

“That sounds like a good idea. I’m sorry that I didn’t like the idea at first and I’m sorry about that before.”

“It’s okay, just don’t let it happen.”

He lend over and kiss the top of my head, “Of course not.” we sat there in silent again but not for long. Jon had let out this massive scream that made us jump out of the chairs. “What wrong little man?” Jimmy toke him and got up to change him. I stay out side watching the world turn around me. Matt had came out for a smoke, which was nice. I had one to with him. Jimmy came out with Jon and of course he wanted me but Jimmy decide take him in the pool.

“What new?”

“Nothing really, going to go to school. You?”

“Wow, nice. Trying to work up to asking Melody to married me but no luck right now.”

“Why?”

“We are so busy and on different times right now. Not working out and she has stress on her with work.”

“Yea,” I looked over to my boys in the pool. Jimmy was having fun but Jon hung on to him for dear life. “God, I feel like my life is done.” Matt looked at me, “I have the kid, the house and the man. I feel like I am married half the time but I don’t want to be. I only nineteen years old.”

“You got so much to live for,”

I looked at him, “I also forgot that I have the friends too.”

The night when on and nothing good really when on. As soon as Jimmy got out of the pool, Jon wanted me. I grabbed him and Jimmy a towel and wrapped him up in it, he was pretty happy. Everyone wanted to grill so Bri was going to be the cook for us and the girls got things ready. I helped them as well because around here you had to help in some way. But Jon was attach to me by the hips so it was hard trying to help. At some point I had to leave the kitchen because I was in the way now and I hated that.

When I knew that dinner was getting close to being done, I when over to my place to make food for Jon. Jimmy had come in to grab some beers for the guys, which we where running low and there was none at the other house. Once dinner was all done, we all sat together. Jon was being pain and didn’t want to stay in his set so I let Jimmy take care of him. Jon knew that Jimmy was the boss and he wasn’t going to play games. Dinner was really nice and when very well but Jon was done so course he screamed for me. I had toke him out and walked around out side the gates that surround the back porch.

“Jon what was wrong?” I knew he couldn’t talk back to me but I just didn’t understand what was wrong with him.

"Is he okay,” Johnny came over and Jon head lift up from my shoulder and then back down.

“He just tired, it’s hard for me to hang out with him like this, today at lunch he was the same way. I don’t know what wrong with him, where is Jimmy?”

“He helping clean up, but hey about earlier.” I looked at him. “He didn’t,”

“No, he was high on something and I don’t want to talk about it that all.” He smiled and then nodded. He turn and head to the house, “I will be there in a little bit.”

“Okay,” he said then walked away.

I stood there in one stop rocking back and forth with Jon. It was nice to hear the water hit the shore and it smoothing to him. He had fallen asleep in my arms, as I turn back to the house; Jimmy was coming over with a beer. We had met each other half way and he toke Jon form me. We walked back to the house; we laid him down and stood there looking at him. He was so perfect to me and my life did feel complete. I put the monitor on and we head out back to everyone.

I sat down on a blanket next to Val and Shea watching the firer, “Is he okay?”

“Yea, oh and Jimmy happy for me.” Val smiled at me.

“Here babe,” he handed me a beer and then sat next to me. “What you girls do today?”

“Girl day,” I said lending into him. “Now it’s boyfriend night.” I sat there with the monitor in my lap instead of my phone, drinking a beer with people I love so fucking much.