Summer of hell

I was such a mess now and it already October and I was still not excited for this engagement. I had decide that I was going to see someone about this, I still didn’t tell Jimmy what was going on. I wasn’t very open with him as I use to be but I was scared to be because I wasn’t sure if there was something mental wrong with me or if it was us.

“Hey, I have something to do today but I will be back for dinner okay,”

“Yea, who is watching Jon?”

“I was hoping you two could spend time.” I turn and looked a him with my back to the sink. “Jimmy, this is very importation to me, I would bring him but I cant.” He sips his coffee before getting up. I watch him as he moved from the table to the sliding doors to look out side.

“No problem, try get back as early as you can. I don’t have to be studio until seven tonight.” He turn and I walked, well speed walk over to him. He wrapped his arms around me and rests his head on mine. “I love you,”

“I love you too,” I looked up at him and he kissed me. I let go and smiled, “I will see you as soon as I get home.”

I walked into the living room to say bye to Jon and then I was out of the house. As I was pulling down the driveway, Val was coming in and of course we stopped and talked for a little bit. I told her how I was going to go talk to someone. She decides that she will come with me for support. Which at first I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea but I was happy she did. I explain to her how I was feeling scent he gave me the ring. It was nice to have her there to listen to me and to be there for me.

When I got to the special list, I sign in. then signed some paper, which I hated to do but I had to. She sat there with me, cracking jokes, which made everything, feel a little bit better. When the doctor called me in, he ask if I wanted Val to come in. I looked at her for a moment and at first I was going to say no but I thought it would be good for her to be there. We sat down on the couch and the doctor sat down in his chair looking at all my papers.

“What bring you here?”

“Well, I’m engaged and I’m not excited about it. I felt lately not happy and very much scared.”

“What are you scared of?”

“I don’t know, I love my boyfriend with all my heart. We have a beautiful home, a happy child and great friend. I have everything that I could ask for.”

“Okay, well you said that you have a child.” I nodded my head, “Tell me about them.” I sunk back in the couch and toke a deep breath. I told him about how Jimmy was not Jon’s father. That Jon would never know his birth father and that pregnancy with Jon was a very hard one. He wanted me to tell him about the relationship that I had with Jonnie and that was hard. I told him how we meet and how he was my first love and it was hard when he went even those Jimmy did come to my side at the end.

“Well I see, that all the time we have today. Next week we are going to talk more about this but for now, I want you to try to talk to your boyfriend. It seem your pushing him away from you.”

“Okay, thank you doctor.” I got up and shock his hand. Val and I left the room and out the door we went. “Can you drive home?”

“Oh course,” I handed her the key and we walked out to the car. “That was some hard shit in there. Do you want me to come next time?”

I looked over at her, “would you?”

She looked over at me and smiled, “Yea,” we got in the car and headed home. Its was about two now and we would make it back about threeish. It’s wasn’t even a full hour car ride home. The two of us didn’t really talk just listen to the music; I kept playing with my ring in between my finger. “So you think this is wrong?” I looked at her and her eyes where on the ring then back to the road.

“No, it’s what I want mostly the both of us. But there something that not sitting right with me. That why I have to talk to someone.”

“You going to tell him?”

“No! Please don’t tell.” She nodded and kept on driving. That was the last thing we said to each other until we got to the house. She parked the car by me and I thank her for coming. We walked in the house and Jon saw me, came running over for a big hug. I looked around there was Zacky sitting on the couch. “Where Jimmy?” they both shrugged. I put Jon down and when looking for Jimmy in the house. My door was close, I knocked on it, “Jimmy you in here?”

“Hey,” there he was laying in bed with beer bottles everywhere and a small baggy of something. “You want?” I could tell he was fucking high. I was piss now, he knew better now to do this.

“WHAT THE FUCK!” I screamed it at the top of my lungs. He jumped and I could hear foot steps down the hall. “I cant fucking believe you would do this to me! Here I am thinking there something with me because I’m scared to get married. You’re supposed to be watching the baby but NO! YOUR FUCKING GETTING HIGHT! I CANT BELIEVE YOU!” I stormed into the bathroom trying now to cry in front of him.

“DON’T WANT TO GET MARRIED FINE!” I couldn’t believe him. “I’m fucking down,” he when to throw something and I slam the door to protect me. I stayed in there crying so hard, I hear the bedroom door slam and I cried even more. I sunk my self to the floor and curled up in the ball. Where I was spent about an hour or so there until someone came and got me.

“Anna,” Val came running to my side and held me there in her arms.

“She okay?” I heard a male voice, wasn’t sure who it was but I didn’t care. They toke their arms and wrapped them around me to pick me up. I could smell them and it was Zacky. “You get the baby and I will stay with her.” I forgot about Jon in all this. God I’m such a bad girlfriend and now a mother. “Anna, Baby talk to me, did he hit you?” I shock my head in his chest. I just cried even harder now, “Sh, it’s okay. You and Jon are going to stay with us.” I nodded my head.

I pulled away to wipe the tears, “ I want to talk to him first.” He looked at me as if I was still nuts. “Zacky, I have to.”

“Okay,” his mouth quietly and soft to me. Val walked in with Jon, “She going talk to him first.”

“Fine,” Val turn and walked away with Jon in her arm. I toke a deep breath and looked around the room. Beer cans everywhere and my laptop was on and opens to my email. I got off my bed and looked at it, that son of bitch was reading my entire message to Ash. I got up and ran out of the room looking for him, I ran out of the house and looked by the water. There was Matt and Brian talking to him, I started to run over to them.

“You baster, you fucking don’t truest me. How could you?” I started to just throw punch at him. “You said you loved me, I thought you fucking trusted me too” he dropped my arm and looked at me.

“I’m not the baster talking to a fucking asshole who in fucking love with you! You knew that I would be angry about it and you still did. Who the one with out the fucking trust here?”

“You really think so, get off me! You hurting me!”

“NO! You do this to your self.”

“Bull shit! You up to fucking something and I should knew! If you don’t fucking let go, I will scream so lowed that people will think your killing me!”

“MAYBE I SHOULD!” my eyes got big and I looked at him. I was scared on what the fuck was going to happen now. He never threatens me before or anyone for that mater but I have remember he on drugs and alcohol now.

“Come on man, just let her go. You want hurt her, just let go.” Brian grabbed his artist and Jimmy slowly releases his hands from me. “Good,” he turns to me, “Now you run to the dam house and stay there.”

“NO! he had no right looking at my email.”

“I don’t give a shit! Now go!” I turn and walked to the dam house, when this was all over, I was going give Jimmy hell for it. Walking back, Val and Jon where standing there waiting for me. I saw inJon's face that he was scared and was confuse on what the hell was going on.

“Come here baby,” I reach my arms out and he reach for me. “Thanks Val,” I said turning and walked to the main house. She stood there watching Matt and Brian try to control Jimmy. I need a smoke but I couldn’t with CharlieJon around so I set him up in the living room with toys and the television. “I will be right back okay,” he looked at me and nodded. I kiss the top of his head and walked to the back doors, I had sat him in a spot where I could watch from a set on the porch. I when into my house for my pack and came back out.

“So what happen,” Johnny ask sitting there having a smoke. I sat down across from him and pulled out one of mine.

“Jimmy is fucking high and we got into a big ass fight. I’m ready to be done with him now.” I light up the cigarette and sat back in the chair.

“Oh shit, Anna you cant be. He loves you and you know he doesn’t mean it.”

“Johnny, can I be truthful with you?” he nodded at me, “I haven’t told anyone really on how the fuck I really felt scent he put this ring on me. I feel that all he wants to do is have more kids but his own. For him to really own me now, I know that not him but part of me feel that like that. Then today I when to a doctor because I need help and I come home to Zack watching the baby when he was suppose too. He was in the fucking bedroom get high as a dam kite.” He looked at me with his drop open. I looked into the house and I didn’t see Jon. “I be right back,” I put down my cigarette and ran into the house calling his name. “JON NO!” before I could get to him, he was falling off the edge of the couch and hit his head on the side of the table.

“What happen?” Johnny ran in after me. I grabbed Jon in my arm and held him there, I talked to him nice and soft rocking him. “Is he hurt?” I moved his dark blond hair to see his forehead. I nodded and just started to cry in the top of his head, all I kept saying was that I was sorry.

“What happen?” Val ran in. Johnny explains everything and when we saw that the cut was deep. Jon was trying to go to sleep; we rush him right to the emergency room.

Val was in the front set with Johnny driving the car as fast as he could. I was in the back set with Jon trying to keep him awake. We wheren’t sure if he had head damages from falling off the couch. I was so scared right now and I wish that Jimmy was here and not in the stay of mine he was in. this was the time that I would really need him the most. As we where driving, Val would turn to check on me and would give a smile to reassure me that everything was going to be okay. As soon as Johnny got us there, I jumped out with Jon in my arms. Val was behind so she could help me stay claim as I explain to the doctors. I was now at the point where I couldn’t stay strong for myself, I wanted to fall to the floor and cry.