Missing You

I know that I’m being selfish, but I can’t help it. I’m so proud of him, so proud that he is able to do what he loves, but… I don’t like it! I just don’t. There’s nothing else for me to say. I know I’m being selfish but I do not want my boyfriend travelling the world, without me. Even if it is for work.

James is wonderful, soft blond hair, dark brown eyes, most charming smile I’ve ever seen. He’s perfect, except of one thing. He’s so independent, and well outdoorsy. He hates being at home. He moans if he has to sit still for longer that five seconds. He spends most of his life halfway up a mountain yelling at me to walk faster.

I on the other hand am far from wonderful, wavy hark non descript hair, plain non descript eyes and the most average smile ever. I like to stay at home curled up in bed with a cup of tea and a good book. I could stay there for hours, days even. I hate the outdoors, I don’t like walking and I loath exercise. The only reason I find myself halfway up a mountain being shouted at to walk faster by my boyfriend is because I love said boyfriend. And now, my practically perfect boyfriend is off travelling the world with the rest of his film crew, doing god knows what. I am completely at his mercy, he will call me up in the middle of the night to tell me that the air on top of some mountain tastes like mint. Or that the stars in the middle of nowhere are really bright.

As I said before I know I’m being selfish and that I should be happy that he’s doing what he loves but, sometimes I just wish I could hold him. Just hold him nothing else. That will never happen, he’ll get fidgety and want to do something proactive. Well, I’ve got to laugh really haven’t I? What did I expect when I started dating a nature film director?

Nat.

I saved my blog and turned off the computer. I sighed as I flopped back on our bed, well my bed, I was the only one sleeping in it. I frowned and picked up a book and began to read. I sighed softly and lowered my book to my lap. Oh James, I wish you were here. I wish I could hold you in my arms. I sighed again, it was going to be another long night.

***

The sky was so beautiful, the stars were so bright up here. I smiled happily, I loved my job, I got to see everything, be everywhere, do anything I wanted. I sighed and turned onto my side and opened my mouth to say the same thing to Nat. I frowned. Only bushes. My Nat was at home in out bed, with a book. He looked to cute with a book in his hands and his hair flopping into his eyes. Just thinking about his peaceful features made me half mad with need. I shivered, it was quite cold up here. If Nat were here, he would have curled up next to me already, he would be warming me up as he slept. He was lovely, really lovely. He knew how to make me feel good just by looking at me. I wish he was here. I sat up and found my phone. Nat would love it here.

“Hay Nat baby.” I spoke softly so I didn’t wake any of the others. There was a muffled yawn on the other end of the phone. Damn, I had woken him up again, I would never get used to all this time difference shit.

“Umm…hi James. How are you?” Oh his voice, it was just what I needed.

“Wonderful!” Now that I’m talking to you everything is just fine. “It so pretty up here, the stars are so bright. Oh Nat baby, you would love it here, the views are perfect.”

“Cool.” He sounded so sleepy. I could almost see him rubbing his eyes tiredly as he spoke to me.

“Sorry baby. Did I wake you up again?”

“Yeah. It’s fine James, I like talking to you.” I swelled with pride, my heart fluttered and my smile grew. My Nat, he was so wonderful.

“I miss you.” I whispered.

“Miss you too.”

“I’ll let you go back to sleep.” There was a muffled noise of thanks and the line went dead. I smiled happily and drifted off to sleep, images of my Nat dancing in my mind.

I woke the next morning and jumped off the camp bed. I bounced round the camp getting ready. Everyone began to wake slowly. They all trudged over to the campfire to get breakfast.

“Come on guys, it’s time to go, we’ve got a long day ahead of us. We need to be at the river bank my sundown. Come on get to it, there’s to time for breakfast, we can have it as we walk. Come on, come on, come on!” I chanted as I bounced round the rest of the crew. Nat always got up when I did that. He would smile sleepily and begin to pack up. Nat was a dreamer, he always walked so slowly, I know he was only taking in the sights but it was difficult to get anywhere when he walked so slowly. He never complained though, when I shouted at him to hurry up he never told me to shut up or get lost. Everyone else told me I was being an annoying idiot. I smiled, my Nat didn’t mind. I couldn’t be easy to live with, most people on set were happy to be rid of me at the end of the shoot. My Nat always welcomed me back with open arms. He really was amazing, he was so patient and calm and peaceful and relaxed, he could always make me slow down a bit. I would do anything for him. I even went to the library with him instead of going hiking once. The smile on his face as I told him I would go with him was worth the hours of boredom spent in silence, his smile had been blissful.

After five hours of walking and lots of complaining from the younger members of the crew we arrived at the river bank. It was possibly the most beautiful place I had ever been, the flowers and plants were big and bright and the river water was clear and cool. I smiled as I sat down on a rock. Nat would love it here. He would sit still for hours and write about it. My Nat was good at writing, he could make you see a picture, and I had ever managed to read an entire book his wrote without falling asleep more that twice.

“Hay James?” One of the tech guys called over from his laptop. I got up and walked over to him. “Your man’s call Nat right?” I smiled and sighed.

“Yeah, Nathan. Why?”

“And he’s a writer. Yes?” I nodded. “Did you know he kept a blog?” I frowned, what’s a blog? I know we don’t have any pets, was Nat keeping a hamster without telling me? The tech guy laughed. “You don’t know what a blog is do you?” I shook my head. “It’s like you’re from the dark ages. I can’t believe you’re able to keep him around you know. Poor guy, it must be tough living with you. You must be damn good in bed to make up for everything else.” He laughed again. I pouted, then frowned. Nat wasn’t very into sex, he didn’t seem to need it. All he ever wanted to do was cuddle. He was nice once in a while, feeling him so close. It was calming and quiet and very Nat, But sitting still was boring even if it meant I could hold my Nat.

“Nat doesn’t like sex.” I said softly, “He’d rather read and cuddle.” There was another burst of laughter.

“That’s how he lives, he reads.”

“I can’t honestly see you cuddling, James.” The sound man said as he walked up behind me.

“According to this blog, he doesn’t. God James, you need to take better care of you man or someone will take him away from you.” My eyes widened. He knew what Nat’s blog said, what ever a blog was. I crouched down in front of the laptop screen. At the top of the web page there was a funny logo like a book with a padlock. Then there was a small box with ‘Nat’s blog’ written in it, then in a big box under the first there were lots of other words. I frowned as I read. A blog was like a diary, how dare they invade Nat’s privacy and ready his private thoughts. I picked up the laptop and walked away.

I read a couple of entries, Nat seemed to be having fun at home. He sounded happy, it was nice to have a way of knowing what he was thinking, there were always times that I didn’t know what went on in his pretty head. I clicked on the next entry and frowned.

I know that I’m being selfish, but I can’t help it. I’m so proud of him, so proud that he is able to do what he loves, but… I don’t like it! I just don’t. There’s nothing else for me to say. I know I’m being selfish but I do not want my boyfriend travelling the world, without me. Even if it is for work.

Nat was talking about me. I read on and felt tears prick in my eyes. He thought he was average, and I was perfect? It was the other way round. He didn’t like walking? That was news to me, he never complained, he would put down his book and follow me up a mountain without a single word of complaint. Why would he do that if he didn’t love it? As I read on I began to feel more and more guilty. He only did things he hated to make me happy. I smiled he really must love me. I bit my lip, I really didn’t do much for him did I? I’ve only ever been to the library once and I complained most of the time I was there. I can’t even read one of his wonderful books without getting distracted or falling asleep. How could I ever have been proud of that? I clicked on the next entry, it was dated one day ago.

***

I miss him so much. I wish I could see him, hold him, love him. But he’s still somewhere else doing something more interesting. I like it when he calls me, even if he wakes me up. I shows that he remembers he, that he still loves me.

I wonder if he’ll bring any pictures back for me? I love seeing where he’s been even if I don’t like going myself. It’s nice to see the world when you’re tucked up safe and warm in bed with the man you love. Somehow it make him being away from me worth it.

There’s always one day when he returns when all he wants to do is sleep. I can sit in bed next to his sleeping form and just be close to him for once. Then when he wakes up he’s back to his usual energetic self. I love seeing the light in his eyes when he talks about what he loves, where he’s been, were he plans to go and what he plans to do. He looks so free when he talks, he always bounced slightly when he’s excited, he looks almost like a child with a new toy, but he never gets bored with it.

I can’t wait for him to come back. the house seems very cold and empty without him. I haven’t had to clean muddy footprints off the floor for so long, it doesn’t feel right. I will be nice when he’s home again, when we can get back to normal. Or as normal as we ever were.

Nat

***

Nat missed me as much as I missed him. I smiled happily as I read his new blog entry. He seemed to like cleaning up after me, he was complaining about not having muddy footprints to clean up. He probably didn’t mean it literally, Nat talks in a lot of metaphors, it was very confusing sometimes, but I think what he meant was that he was lonely and he missed me. I’ll be home soon Nat love. The aeroplane will be here in an hour or two. I’ll see you tomorrow.

I sighed and handed the laptop back to the tech guy, he grinned at me. I wonder if Nat would be waiting for me at the airport? It would be nice if he was, I could pull him into my arms and kiss him hard in front of all those people, make sure they know that he’s my Nat. I smiled softly to my self as I sat down in the waiting room. I twiddled my thumbs and looked around me. Nat would be so proud of me. I had stayed still for nearly five minutes. Maybe I could make ten, he wouldn’t believe that when I told him. I smiled and crossed my arms and looked at the clock. Only four more minutes, I could feel my legs beginning to twitch. Two more minutes, I began to chew my lip/ One more minute, I wriggled around in the chair. I was getting a lot of strange looks for my colleagues. Thirty seconds.

“Yes!” I yelled and jumped up. I began to pace up and down. I started to bounce on the ball of my feet and hum twinkle, twinkle little star.

“James, are you okay?” I span round three times before I turned to the sound man. He was frowning at me. I grinned and nodded franticly before running up to the coffee machine and clapping franticly as I waited for it to make my drink.

“I think he’s actually gone mad this time.” Someone whispered.

“How are we going to break it to Nat that we broke his boyfriend?” Someone else asked.

“Maybe we shouldn’t let him have any more coffee?” I span round holding the plastic cup of goodness protectively in my hands.

“The coffee is mine! You will not take it from me!” I cackled and dived into one of the seats. Hot coffee spilled onto my wrist. “Ouch!” I whimpered, I put the coffee down and cradled my hand, tears began to well in my eyes. Nat would make it better. He would kiss it softly and stop it from hurting so much. I looked up pleadingly. “It hurts!” I wined and held my hand out to the sound man. He smiled softly and patted my head.

“Go and run it under the cold tap James, you aren’t a child any more.”

“But, but, but I don’t want to go on my own!” I whaled tears over flowed and I cradled my hand close to me again. One of the camera men took hold of my shoulder and led me into the toilets.

My temporary madness began to subside as the cold water ran over my burned hand. Maybe sitting still wasn’t a good idea after all. I probably shouldn’t tell Nat about it after all, he would be very embarrassed by how I had behaved. I growled to my self and let my head fall against the mirror. Why was sitting still such a problem?

We had been on the plane for half an hour and I was dieing of boredom. I wriggled around in the seat. I pulled my feet up then pressed my knees to the seat in front of me. The camera man next to me scowled at me before plugging his earphones back in. I sighed in frustration and began to fiddle with the window blind.

“James! Just sit still!”

“But I’m so bored!” I whined, I knew I was being childish, but I couldn’t help it. The camera man just frowned at me. Nat never minded, he would find something for me to do. He would play a game with me, or read to me so I went to sleep or he would send me off to fine some food. But he never told me to sit still.

Finally we landed. I jumped up and hit my head on the luggage compartment above me. I whimpered and everyone looked at me. I rubbed my head as we walked of the plane and into the main building. I bounced as I waited or my backpack to come round on the conveyer belt. As soon as I had it I started to jog over to the doors to try to find Nat. Before I got very far I was grabbed by the sound man.

“James you need to stay with us until everyone had got their stuff. We need to check the equipment. I scowled at him but followed him back over to the rest of the crew. I was desperate to see Nat, I had missed him so much.

I sighed in frustration as we walked slower than snails towards the exit. I bounced excitedly, I would be seeing Nat soon I could hold him close and kiss him and tell him how much I missed him and how much I loved him and how much fun I had been having.

“Nat!” I yelled as I caught sight of him. He turned and smiled at me. I ran over and wrapped my arms round him. “I burned my hand on some coffee at the airport.” I said as I pulled back. Nat smiled sadly at me.

“Does it still hurt love?” I nodded and held out my reddened hand. He kissed it softly then lent up and kissed my lips. “Better?” I nodded again. “I’ve missed you James.” He said with a smile. I grinned and hugged him again.

“I missed you too. I had so much fun. Everything was I pretty. I can’t wait to show you the pictures when we get home, and I hit my head on the aeroplane.” I hugged him again. Nat chuckled and pulled away a little and placed a small kiss on my forehead.

“Say good bye to everyone and we’ll get going.” I took his hand and led him over to the rest of the crew.

“Nat told me to say good bye to all of you.” I grinned at them. Nat shook his head and smiled.

“Come on James, time to go home.” I smiled in delight and took off ahead of him. I waited impatiently by the door for him to catch up.

“Hurry up Nat!” I smiled as I bounced happily on the balls of my feet.

When we arrived home I pulled Nat into my arms and kissed him again. Nat smiled and kissed back lovingly. He pulled away and walked into the kitchen. I followed eagerly, he handed me an iced biscuit and a glass of milk.

“I made them earlier for you.” He said with a smiled as I nibbled at the biscuit. I sighed happily and bounced into the living room.

“I want to show you the pictures now. I’ll get the projector.” I ran out of the room leaving my biscuit and milk on the table. When I came back Nat was sat on the sofa, my biscuit was on a plate and my milk on a coaster. “Look!” I said a I turned it on and set it up. I set the pictures up as a slid show and curled up on the sofa next to Nat. I yawned and put my head in his lap. His fingers threaded through my hair. I yawned again and sat up slightly to finish my milk and biscuit. I put the plate and glass back on the table and slowly lowered myself back onto Nat’s lap. He sighed softly and pressed a kiss to my head.

“Good night James, sleep well.” He whispered.