Fat Girl

always it has to happen

And she's sitting in class again, doodling again, head bowed slightly forward as to not meet anyone else's gaze. Monica doesn't want to look at anyone in hopes that no one will look at her, that all her bone and muscle and too-much flesh will all just seep into the background, blur into invisibility. She doesn't want to meet their gaze only for them to realise that she is so completely alone.

Her eyes trail towards the clock, reading half an hour left. A sigh involuntarily falls off her lips.

All Monica ever wanted is to be liked. All Monica ever wanted is for people to want to talk to her, to want to be her friend, to not be so alone.

Her gaze coasts surreptitiously across the room, the loud and boisterous group who everyone's familiar with, who're always laughing and smiling and being the complete opposite of alone. She swallows hard.

But she can't just talk to them, she can't just sit down with them, despite the fact that deep in her gut beyond all those layers of fat and shame, she really wants to.

Monica knows that awkward tight-lipped smile, that forced laugh tinged with anxiety, those wandering eyes asking what is Fat Girl talking to me for?

They'd all laugh, they'd all giggle maliciously at her, they'd all whisper amongst themselves afterwards, "Oh my god, does she think that we like her?"

Of course they don't, the world doesn't, the media doesn't. She's not perfectly pretty or perfectly skinny or perfectly anything in the oh-so perfect world all those pretty people lounge so perfectly in.

And her mind starts reeling again, the promises and declarations start brewing again, the tomorrow I'm not going to eat as much. The tomorrow I'm going to go for a run. The tomorrow I'm going to start my entire new life and I'm going to become skinny and then, maybe then, I can fit into that world.

Monica's staring at the clock again, and she tells herself that when she's skinny. Never if. Always when, always it will happen, always it has to happen. Years are passing her by and months are expiring from her fingertips and she has to. She needs this.

Monica just doesn't want to be so alone anymore.
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lol gabby wat r u doing.
that is good question.
answer: i don't know but i do have over 150 000 neopoints so i have that going for me.

also 20 chapters so that's sort of okay.