Stephanie.
1/1
The sunlight hit her golden hair. while she rested, tangled in the white sheets, with her arms wrapped around the pillow. Her pale, delicate arms would normally be wrapped around my waist, but not now. The sun was just coming up, and she was a heavy sleeper. She still had hours to sleep. I had my shoes on, and I was standing the doorway, watching her as she slept quietly, peacefully. She would freak out if she saw the dirt I was leaving on the carpet, but not this morning.
I had my jacket on, and my shirt was done up all the way. My jeans were clean, and the car keys were in my pocket. I had the suit cases in the car, and I had left the note on our bedside table.
"Stephanie. I'm so sorry.
I know you love me. I thought I loved you too, but I don't know for sure. There is still so much I haven't done, and all I ever wanted in life, was to be free. I thought you could do that with me, but lately, it's been getting so hard. I want you to know, you can call anytime. This has nothing to do with you. Your amazing, and so, so gorgeous. This is me, and I'm not saying this is forever. I have to find out what I want, before finding out what you want, and what we want. I'm not asking you to wait for me, that wouldn't be fair to you, but if you did, then I will be back before you know it. You mean a lot to me, and I can't take this farther without hurting the both of us. Not yet.
-Alex"
I stepped lightly over to her, and moved her hair from her face. She stirred, but kept her eyes closed.
"I'm so sorry.." I whispered, leaning down and kissing her cheek, looking at her for only a little while longer before leaving the room, not looking back.
Stephanie was always a good friend. She always adored me, and it took me years to even slightly return those feelings. She was years ahead of me. She wanted to settle down, start a family, while I just wanted to go out on a date once in a while.
That wasn't the problem. That wasn't what scared me off.
When we moved in together, she would always tell me how much she loved me, and I would just reply with "I know.", and rarely "I love you too"
There wasn't a passion for her from me. I didn't feel it burning through me like she did.
I was scared, I would take her all this way, for me to fall even more out of love.
I didn't trust myself, it wasn't that I didn't trust her. I didn't want to hurt her, because that would hurt me too.
I cared about her . A lot. Just not in the way she cared for me. It hurt me sometimes as much as it hurt her. I tried so hard to let go of it all, and fall in love with this beautiful girl I had known for all these years, but something always pushed me back, slapped some sense into me, and told me to just keep moving.
But, maybe, if I just keep moving, I won't have anything to hold on to. Maybe that was the point. Maybe, I would never fall in love.
I didn't know if I was okay with that or not.
And, that is why I got in to the car, while the sky was still lighting up, and drove away from all my fears, again.
I had always been, so, so selfish.
Stephanie, had never deserved to be treated this way.
I never deserved Stephanie.
I had my jacket on, and my shirt was done up all the way. My jeans were clean, and the car keys were in my pocket. I had the suit cases in the car, and I had left the note on our bedside table.
"Stephanie. I'm so sorry.
I know you love me. I thought I loved you too, but I don't know for sure. There is still so much I haven't done, and all I ever wanted in life, was to be free. I thought you could do that with me, but lately, it's been getting so hard. I want you to know, you can call anytime. This has nothing to do with you. Your amazing, and so, so gorgeous. This is me, and I'm not saying this is forever. I have to find out what I want, before finding out what you want, and what we want. I'm not asking you to wait for me, that wouldn't be fair to you, but if you did, then I will be back before you know it. You mean a lot to me, and I can't take this farther without hurting the both of us. Not yet.
-Alex"
I stepped lightly over to her, and moved her hair from her face. She stirred, but kept her eyes closed.
"I'm so sorry.." I whispered, leaning down and kissing her cheek, looking at her for only a little while longer before leaving the room, not looking back.
Stephanie was always a good friend. She always adored me, and it took me years to even slightly return those feelings. She was years ahead of me. She wanted to settle down, start a family, while I just wanted to go out on a date once in a while.
That wasn't the problem. That wasn't what scared me off.
When we moved in together, she would always tell me how much she loved me, and I would just reply with "I know.", and rarely "I love you too"
There wasn't a passion for her from me. I didn't feel it burning through me like she did.
I was scared, I would take her all this way, for me to fall even more out of love.
I didn't trust myself, it wasn't that I didn't trust her. I didn't want to hurt her, because that would hurt me too.
I cared about her . A lot. Just not in the way she cared for me. It hurt me sometimes as much as it hurt her. I tried so hard to let go of it all, and fall in love with this beautiful girl I had known for all these years, but something always pushed me back, slapped some sense into me, and told me to just keep moving.
But, maybe, if I just keep moving, I won't have anything to hold on to. Maybe that was the point. Maybe, I would never fall in love.
I didn't know if I was okay with that or not.
And, that is why I got in to the car, while the sky was still lighting up, and drove away from all my fears, again.
I had always been, so, so selfish.
Stephanie, had never deserved to be treated this way.
I never deserved Stephanie.