Utah

“Are you kidding me?” Utah Harper said, green eyes blazing as she realized what her boyfriend, Alec Rodanthe had said.

“Utah – ”

“Don’t call me that,” she snapped.

“That’s your name, “ Alec pointed out. “What do you want me to call you?”

“I don’t know and I don’t care. Anything but Utah.” She shuddered.

“Why do you hate your name? It’s pretty.”

“Ugh, no, it’s the worst name ever. And not only that, but it was chosen by the dumbasses that gave me life.” She paced the grass in front of Alec, who was leaning against a tall oak tree. They were at the park in between their houses, the one they always met at.

Alec raised an eyebrow. “Bitter, party of one,” he replied. Utah scowled at him. Her parents had up and left her when she was ten. They dumped her with her grandma and sped away into the sunset, chasing adventures that did not involve Utah. Sometimes they sent her postcards but Utah never read them, just shoved them in a shoebox beneath her bed.

“It’s been seven years,” Alec reminded her gently. He reached for her hand but she pulled away.

“So? Alec, they left me. Left me. Okay, and it was their own fucking choice. I don’t care how long it’s been. I’m not forgiving. Not ever.”

Alec sighed. “Well, okay, I guess that’s your choice.”

“Damn right it’s my choice,” Utah snapped.

Alec rolled his eyes. “Now, what we were talking about before you kindly interrupted?” Alec shot her a look. Utah played a different sort of game, a game of eat or be eaten. Alec had learned how to fend for himself to survive Utah.

“You were talking about how you were ditching me here, in East Jesus Nowhere, for some fancy Ivy League college where you can fuck smart girls,” Utah replied, rolling her green eyes.

Alec ran his hand through his hair. “Why do you always twist my words around? You always act like the world is shit and everyone in it just wants to fuck you over.”

Utah wiggled her orange painted toes in her yellow flip flops. “It’s true, though, isn’t it?” she said. “I mean, look at the history: my parents dumped in Nowheresville, Arizona, my only friend decided I wasn’t ‘cool’ enough and dumped me to fend for myself my first year of high school, and then my grandma married a dick who thinks girls are property and I’m forced to watch him beat my grandma while trying to take a swing at me.” Alec’s hands tightened into fists. Utah’s grandma had met this guy named Chuck and at first, Chuck seemed like a nice guy. But after they got married, things got ugly and Chuck turned out to be abusive. He beat Utah’s grandma and sometimes beats, or tries to beat, Utah. Alec hated the fact that he was helpless in this case. “And now, my boyfriend is going to college across the country.”

To the rest of the world, Utah was a bitch, a girl with a pretty face and a razor sharp tongue. But she hadn’t always been like that. When she first moved here, Utah had been an angelic looking little girl with long blonde hair and grass green eyes. The only problem was, no one wanted to befriend the new girl with a funny name. At least, no one except Stacia Oliver. They became best friends and stayed that way until their freshman year of high school. Stacia had been offered a spot high up on the social ladder, but Utah hadn’t. Stacia ditched Utah to become high school royalty.

In the middle of her sophomore year, another new kid moved in. His name was Alec Rodanthe. But, unlike Utah, Alec was quickly accepted into the popular crowd. Utah hated him for everything he was worth. Alec, of course, saw through that. He was the only person in the world who saw through Utah’s sarcasm shield and badass persona.

It took him two years to finally break through all the walls she’d put up but he did it. She let him in and he let her in and it’d been a fast fall for both of them.

“Utah, I’m not leaving you,” Alec told her, taking her hand. This time, she didn’t pull away, but she wouldn’t look at him.

“No, you’re just going to college without me and there’ll be lots of beautiful genius med student girls who can give you an anatomy lesson,” she replied bitterly. Alec squeezed her hand, chuckling slightly.

“Is that what you think?” he asked. “Utah, if you’re so worried about this, why don’t you come with me?” The words shocked even Alec, but now that he thought about it, it was a good idea. Utah’s grades weren’t good enough to get into Princeton, but she could go a smaller college. She wanted to be an artist. She could go to RISD.

Utah let out a bark of laughter. “Come with you? To Princeton?”

Alec shrugged. “Sure. Why not?”

Utah blinked a few times. “You mean, leave… Arizona?”

“Yeah. You can’t stay here forever.”

“Yes, I can.”

“Why? Why do you want to stay here?” Alec asked. He was getting annoyed. She wanted him to give up everything for her but she wouldn’t do the same for him?

“I just do,” Utah said. “It’s, um, nice.”

“New Jersey will be nice, too.”

“I just, I like Arizona, okay?”

“Fine. You don’t want me to go but you won’t come with me. And you won’t tell me what the hell is so great about Arizona.” And just like that, all the anger Alec had been holding in, came pouring out. “No wonder everyone leaves you. You’re so damn selfish.” The moment the words were out of his mouth, Alec realized what he’d said. “Fuck.”

Utah looked shocked for a moment, hurt for another moment, and then the mask is in place. “Thank you, Alec,” she said, oddly composed.

Alec gulped. “For?” he asked cautiously.

“For letting me find out what a jackass you are now, instead of later,” she said. And then she wrenched her hand from his grasp and walked off. But she wasn’t going in the direction of her house. Alec stared after her, letting her go.

She hadn’t walked far when Utah let the tears that pressed against her eyes to fall. They were silent and anger and her fists were balled. Utah wanted to scream. She wanted to scream at her parents for leaving her, Stacia for ditching her, Chuck for beating her and her grandmother, but most of all, she wanted to scream at Alec for telling her the truth that she’d known but tried to run from.

Utah walked until the ground beneath her feet went from grass to pavement to gravel to dirt. And only then did she look up to see where she was. It was the poorer side of town. Utah swallowed hard. She wasn’t afraid of the poverty, but she was afraid of the gang that lived down here. She’d tangled with them briefly right after Stacia left her, dating one of the members, a Mexican boy named Izzy.

Breathing evenly, Utah turned around but didn’t make it out. She heard Izzy’s accented English behind her. She’d know his voice anywhere.

“Hola chica! Wait – Utah?”

Utah smiled weakly and turned back around, waving slightly. Her knees nearly gave out beneath her. Izzy was, to put it simply, muy caliente. He’d obviously just been working on someone’s car because he was wearing his ripped jeans and his white tee was stained with grease.

“Hey, Iz,” she said. Izzy loped over to her, moving in a way that always reminded her of a coyote.

Izzy grinned his crooked grin and Utah felt her heart stop. “Been a long time since I’ve seen you around in these parts,” he said.

Utah shrugged. “Well, you know. I’ve been busy. School. You know.”

“Or maybe it’s that boyfriend of yours,” Izzy said, grinning widely. “A step up from me, yeah?”

“Izzy, it wasn’t like that,” Utah said, tucking a strand of her blonde hair behind her ear.

“Oh? I seem to remember you saying that you needed more than what I could give you,” Izzy said.

“Okay, yeah, I did say that. But I didn’t mean in the sense you’re thinking of,” Utah said. When she dated Izzy, she’d been madly in love with him. Head-over-heels, reach for the stars over the fence World Series kind of thing.

But then Alec came along and he was different, safer than Izzy.

“Did you mean it in the sense of sexual favors, ‘cause I thought we did okay in that area.”

Utah’s face flamed and she looked at the ground. “It was… I don’t know how to explain it. Please don’t ask me to.”

“Never, novia, never.”

Utah looked away. Izzy was the only person she didn’t use her razor tongue on. It wasn’t that he brought out the good side of her, no, it was more Utah was afraid she’d end up dead if she angered him.

“You know, Maya misses you,” Izzy told Utah. Maya was Izzy’s little sister. Maya had been absolutely infatuated with Utah, following her everywhere.

“I miss her, too,” Utah replied. “Tell her hi for me.”

“Okay,” Izzy said.

They stood in silence for a moment.

“I should go,” Utah said. “It’s getting late.” Izzy nodded. But neither of them moved. Izzy moved closer, lifting his hand and resting it against Utah’s cheek. It was warm and rough, unlike Alec’s smooth hands. Utah closed her eyes, yearning for the familiarity Izzy brought her.

“Novia,” he whispered, his breath caressing her lips. And then his lips touched hers. They were warm and familiar and eager. Utah pulled back suddenly.

“No,” she whispered. “Alec.”

“Is that your boyfriend’s name?” Izzy asked. Utah nodded, lifting her hand to lips. They were swollen from kissing, from cheating. Utah was many things, a bitch, a badass, a slacker. But she wasn’t dishonest or a cheater. “You love him, novia?” Again, Utah nodded. “Then go.” Izzy took her hands. “You deserve happiness, okay, Utah?” Utah nodded. “Go.”

And Utah was off, running through the streets, heart pounding in her chest, feet pounding on the sidewalk. She didn’t stop until she reached Alec’s house. She knocked on the door. His mother answered, smiling.

“Hello Utah,” she said. “Come in, come in.”

Utah didn’t come in. “Sorry, Mrs. Rodanthe, this won’t take too long. Is Alec home?”

Mrs. Rodanthe shook her head. “I thought he was with you,” she said. “I haven’t seen him since he left.” Then Mrs. Rodanthe frowned. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, everything’s fine. Thank you.” Utah turned and walked down the path. If I were Alec, where would I go? And it hit her. Utah was running again.

Alec’s favorite sport was baseball, though he played them all. And sure enough, when the high school field came into view, Utah could see a small figure tossing up a tiny white speck and hitting it. Each time the bat connected with the baseball, a sharp ping! rang out, gliding across the air.

Utah walked over to the dug and leaned against the fence. Alec didn’t notice her. Of, it he did, he didn’t show any signs of it.

He tossed another ball up into the air and hit it. It soared over the fence.

“Alec Rodanthe, number seven, hits a home run and the crowd goes wild,” Utah said, making a crowd-going-wild noise. Alec’s head whipped around to face her.

“Utah,” he said.

“Yep,” she replied. “That’s my name, don’t wear it out.”

“What are you doing here?” he asked.

“Looking for you,” she said, “duh.”

“Why? I’m a jackass.”

Utah laughed. “Yeah, well, as true as that may be,” she said, “I’m a jackass bitch. So I trump you. Which makes you being a jackass okay because,” she took a deep breath, “you have to be a hell of a nice to guy to take the time to get to know me, which you did. Then, and this is the most surprising thing, you actually put up with me on a daily basis. So you’re allowed to be a jackass.”

Alec didn’t say anything. He just stared at her. Then, he picked up a baseball, threw it into the air and swung at it. Ping! Utah winced. He dropped the bat without a word and walked over to her, and, before she could blink, he wrapped his arm around her waist, pulled her to him, and crushed her lips beneath his.

“I’m sorry,” Utah said between kisses.

“Me too,” he said. “I won’t go to college. I’ll stay here. I love you.”

“Whoa,” she said, pulling back. “No.”

“What?” Alec said, frowning.

“You’re going to college.”

“But – ”

“No buts. I’ve been selfish, I know. But I’m trying to make up for it. And I’m not letting you stay here with me. Because, believe me, you don’t want to end up like Carter Stoverson, genius boy who didn’t go to college because of his dumbfuck girlfriend who left him for the next good lay she could get.”

“I know you won’t do that, though.”

“No, no. Hear me out.” Utah brushed the floppy brown hair away from his face. “You’re a smart kid, Rodanthe. And you’re going to be a hell of a doctor. So you’re going to go to Princeton. You’re going to graduate med school and then you’re going to marry some hot lawyer who gives you lots of good sex, okay?”

Alec laughed. “Sounds good,” he said. “Except for one part.”

Utah frowned this time. “What part?”

“The lawyer part. I don’t need to marry a lawyer. I don’t want marry a lawyer. I want to marry you.”

Utah blinked rapidly. “Did you just…?”

“Propose? Yeah, I think I did.” And then Alec got down on one knee, taking Utah’s hand.

“Oh fuck,” she whispered, “ohfuckohfuck.”

“Utah Harper, will you marry me,” he said, “after I graduate?”

Utah didn’t say anything, just stared down at the boy with one knee in the dirt. He had floppy brown hair and warm brown eyes and soft lips and smooth hands. He was super smart and routinely put up with her crazy self. And that’s why Utah had to say what she said next, “No.”

She watched the shock and hurt flash in his eyes. Utah pulled Alec to his feet. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t have sprung that at you.”

“Why are you apologizing? Alec, you didn’t do anything wrong,” Utah said. Alec frowned, knitting his brows together. “I can’t say yes. Because you have college and you say you don’t want a sexy lawyer, but you might meet someone there. Someone who is a normal human being that the world isn’t trying to fuck over, someone with a normal name like Elizabeth or Caitlyn or Madison. Someone who speaks like a lady instead of like a sailor. Someone stable.”

Alec shook his head. “I don’t want a lawyer. They’re stuffy. I want a girl who’s broken but still goes on, a girl who swears like a sailor, a girl with a razor sharp tongue, a girl with an odd way of showing affection, a girl named…

Utah.