I Have a Secret

I have a secret.

The very first day in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was an easy one. I lined up with the other first years, confident in knowing where I would be for the next seven years of my life. I knew that by the end of the evening, I would be wearing robes of green and silver. I would be a Slytherin, like my father, my mother, and theirs before them, and so on. I was a Slytherin girl, I would always be a snake at heart.

In the line, I couldn’t help but smirk at those around me. Most were pale, sweaty and nervous. None of them knew what to expect, unlike me.

I looked around, smiling at my best friend Blaise Zabini. He gulped, his normally proud and bland face twisted in nervousness. I rolled my eyes, and reached out my hand to squeeze his. He jumped at the contact but looked down with a small smile at our intertwined hands. I examined the contrast of colours as it distracted me from the hall of chattering students around me, his dark chocolate skin seemed milky rich in comparison to my smooth pale fabric. His hand was soft in mine, and it settled the twisting feeling in my stomach I had not realised had been happening.

Professor ‘I have a stick up my arse’ McGonagall cleared her throat, causing me to jump and look up at her expectantly as she gazed at all the first years with a stern expression. But her eyes were soft, giving her inner thoughts away. I let go of Blaise’s hand and looked to my left shoulder where my other friend Draco was standing. His face sported it’s normal pale complexion but his cheeks had a tinge of pink, and his lip was trembling.

For the first time, I looked up and around the Hogwarts students assembled in their houses before me. All of a sudden, I felt very small.

“Abbot Hannah.” McGonagall called the girl in a strict voice. I moved aside to allow a meek looking girl by me, and it wasn’t long before the hat called out ‘Hufflepuff’. The yellow and black clad table began to cheer.

I sneered, and scoffed to Draco, “I think I’d turn around and go straight to Beauxbatons, don’t you think Dray?”

Draco chuckled and looked at me, “Try Drumstrang Theo, I’d rather die than sit at a Hufflepuff table.”

I smiled, “Or Gryffindor.”

Draco scowled, and I took that as my answer. I turned to talk to Blaise, already bored with the sorting but before I could do so, “Hawk Theodora,” was called and I froze.

Blaise shook his head at me, and he and Draco managed to nudge me forward. I took a step towards the stool holding the hat, and ignored McGonagall’s impatient glance my way. I gulped, before sitting down, allowing the hat to be placed upon my blonde head, shutting out my view of everything, inviting me into darkness.

I relaxed under the hat. I knew where I was going…there was no way I’d ever be placed anywhere else.

“Clever, and proud. Good combination to have young lady. You will be one to watch…in RAVENCLAW!”

My fingers curled around the stood and my mouth dropped. The hat did not just say that.

It was taken from my head and I looked to the inviting table of green and silver clad students, who remained silent as the idiots in blue cheered. I scowled, and looked around to Draco and Blaise who were staring at me with dumbfounded expressions. My eyes burned as tears began to drop down my face, and I cast my head down in shame, moving to join the idiots in blue.

I was the very first Hawk to be sorted into a different house other than Slytherin. I had shamed my whole family.

I stared down at the table, examining a burnt hole in the wood, not talking to any of those around me. I wiped at a tear as Draco was placed in Slytherin before the hat even hit his head. I couldn’t help but pray that Blaise was put with me. I needed one of my friends with me.

“Weasley Ronald.”

I stared at the boy sitting on the stool. His bright red hair stood out from his head, and he looked rather green, as if he were about to be sick. I sighed, wondering if he’d be a Ravenclaw.

“GRYFFINDOR”

I looked across at the red and gold table, and noticed several other red heads cheering loudly. No doubt his family. Again. My heart dropped. Even he was with his family and friends.

Ronald looked at me as he passed my table, and seemed to notice my downcast expression and teary eyes. He sent me a look as if to say, ‘don’t be too hard on yourself kid’ and a lopsided smile that caused my heart to do a strange flip. Perhaps it was the cute awkwardness he seemed to possess, or the way his eyes twinkled with every smile that flashed across his face, but seeing Ron in the corridors became my favourite reason to get out of bed in the morning.

That was the first day I saw Ron Weasley.

I never talked to him. I don’t know if he ever remembered who I was, except the silly Ravenclaw first year. I never took part in the fights he regularly had with Draco, hiding behind Blaise for several years. For though I was a Ravenclaw, I wasn’t going to stop being what I should always have been- A Slytherin. It’s not my fault the hat had an aneurysm.

But my eyes followed Ronald for years. I began to know when he was sad or angry. I could feel it when he was happy. I could read him as well as I could read myself but still had never spoken a word to him.

More than once, I found myself wondering what it would be like if I was in Gryffindor. I wouldn’t have to long for him, he’d be my friend. Most likely I wouldn’t have talked to Blaise or Draco which saddened me…but I think I may have sacrificed that for Ron. He entranced me.

It was the summer before sixth year when I finally got my chance with him. I was with Blaise, Draco having a meeting with the Dark Lord. My parents were Death Eaters, like Lucius and now Draco. I knew what Draco was doing, and I knew what he would have to do. It wouldn’t be long before I was marked as well. The Dark Lord had visited my homes on several occasions and he had sent more than one curious glance my way.

I knew I looked like trouble. With peroxide hair, and dark smoky eyes, I had an air of darkness around me, something I could often use to my advantage. I knew that he was interested in me, and it didn’t take long for my father to boast about all the spells and curses I knew of.

I shivered, looking down at my bare arm from where I stood at the concert venue. I traced around my skin, saying goodbye to the unblemished surface.

The music started and the guitar riffs, and drum solos of Wands ‘n’ Roses soon caused my troubles to cease to exist. I closed my eyes, ignoring the young witches and wizards on either side who were head banging like no tomorrow. I took in a breath, full of dry ice, the taste of sweat in the air, and pure undignified music and smiled. I was home. I was me.

“You’re in my year aren’t you?”

I froze at the familiar voice and looked around into the dark brown eyes of Ron and nodded, “Ravenclaw,” I squeaked over the music.

Ron smiled, “Thought so. You looked familiar. I didn’t know you were into this.”

I frowned, “You’d have to be an idiot not to be. These guys are amazing, they do their tricks without magic you know.”

Ron’s eyes widened, “No way?”

I laughed, “Yeah!”

Ron smiled again, and began to sway beside me. He seemed to look at me curiously now and again and finally when there was a break between songs asked, “Are your friends here.”

My smile faded, and I wondered was he only talking to me, to annoy Draco? I flashed a cruel gaze at him and pouted my lips, “Blaise was here, but he went off with some girl. Draco’s not so don’t worry your little head.”

I started to move away from here, I never liked being used. I know I was know as the Ravenclaw who should have been a Slytherin but that didn’t mean people couldn’t just talk to me. The only thing Ron wanted was a fight, and I wasn’t going to give him one.

“Hey Theo! Wait, wait a minute.”

I looked around at Ron, fighting his way through the crowd to get to me. I stopped, and waited, my heavily made up eyes flashing dangerous warnings.

Ron stopped in front of me, wringing his hands together. His ears began to turn red, like they always did when he was embarrassed or angry. The former, I think, in this case.

“What Ron? If you’re just making conversation with me to annoy Draco, I’m not interested okay? So, just leave me alone.”

I turned to go again, but Ron shot his arm out, and winced as the music started up again. He sighed, and I closed my eyes against the burning feeling of his hand on my mine. It was lovely.

“Let’s get out of here!” he muttered, and dragged me outside.

We stood under the awning of a muggle greengrocer’s, closed due to the late hour. I tapped my foot impatiently.

“Look Theo, I’m sorry. I knew I would annoy Malfoy by being with you, but that’s not why I talked to you. I like you. I really do, and I want to get to know you.”

I hesitated, and then, I don’t know what came over me. I lunged forward, capturing his lips under my own. He started, but then closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around my thin frame. It seemed like hours passed as I kissed him, fireworks going on in my brain but it was merely seconds before I pulled away.

I smiled sadly, and looked at him, “I’m sorry Ron. We can’t get to ‘know each other’. I have duties to fulfil, and I can’t let down my family again.”

I turned my head away, and as he reached an arm out to pull me back, I twisted on my heel, apparating home.

I have a secret.
I’m in love with Ron Weasley.

~
Almost two years later, my heart still beat for him. But I was a different person. There was a Mark on my arm, proclaiming I belonged to another, and my wand was responsible for the deaths of several people.

The Battle of Hogwarts was nothing like I expected. I was covered with a dark cloak, and a mask, my blonde hair travelling down my shoulders in swirls. But I could recognise the faces of my opponents. There was Terry Boot, who asked me to the Yule Ball. And that’s Katie Bell.

I stunned rather than killed, but by the time the ceasefire for Harry Potter to turn himself in arrived, it was too much for me. I couldn’t do it anymore.

I had seen him kiss her. Kiss Hermione Granger and though my heart screamed in pain, I had smiled. She was good for him. She would never have to hide or be ashamed of who or what she was. She would make him happy.

I walked out of the castle, through and around the fallen bodies. I cast off my cloak, and dropped my mask so it clattered onto the ground. I looked down at my arm, which burned fiercely and painfully, throbbing grotesquely against my pale skin, luminated by the moonlight.

I sat by the lake, looking at the still waters.
The castle was silent now, the screaming of the dead gone.

I twirled the potion vial around in my hand, the acid green liquid gleaming like the eye of an evil monster.

I heard shouting, and looked around. He was running towards me.

He couldn’t see what I was doing and before he could, I ripped the cork from the vial, and the burning liquid was thrown into the back of my throat.

It began to destroy me instantly, and I collapsed onto the pebbled ground. Ron shouted out again as I dropped, and he reached me, falling beside me. I looked at him, unable to speak, and choked, a trail of blood seeping from my mouth.

Ron noticed the potion vial hanging limply from my hands and moaned, “Theo, what have you done?”

I looked at him, and then I smiled, managing to raise my arm to run a finger down his face. He would never know what I had to do for Voldemort, the people I killed or the curses I myself was submitted to. He would never know this was the only way I’d be free of everything. Of Voldemort. Of torture. Of him.

I closed my eyes, dying peacefully in his arms. My hand dropped from his face and Ron started to cry, hot tears dropping onto my still face.

I have a secret.
But that secret died with me.