Status: Up and Running!!
Because I Love(d) You
Regretting What Could Not Be.
Dear N,
I’m not sure where it all started, or how much you know now, but I’m sorry. Sorry for polluting our friendship with my googly-eyed, butterflied stomach admiration. Sorry that, for at least two years, I paid more attention to you than to anyone else at school. Sorry that I freaked out when you started dating my best friend. Sorry that I’ve put up awkward, lopsided walls between us because I’m still not totally over you. Sorry that I may lose touch with you after high school. Sorry that, by clinging to you, I’ve ruined our friendship.
You know what, though? Those two-and-some-odd years – before she got involved – were beautiful. I felt honored to be your best friend, and to spend time with you every day. It was nice of you to reach out to me with kindness and respect, even when I’m not half the person you are. It was magical, the way you made me believe a little more in myself; I like to think I did the same for you. It was comforting, the idea that you would always be there, that our friendship was unbreakable, that we really understood each other, and that – I might have pulled this from delusions – we were practically twin souls.
But now, I hate the way that what once came naturally, when you couldn’t possibly have suspected anything, is so hard to deal with now. We used to talk about everything (except my feelings for you, of course), but now it’s painful for me to sit in the same class as you. I sit next to you at lunch every day without daring to look at you. It sucks, knowing that all of the tears and anxiety I wasted on trying to keep this a secret, to protect our friendship, failed to do the trick. It sucks that I lied to myself and said I was over you, so that she could go on and form a beautiful couple with you. I didn’t know I wasn’t over you, and, even though she was worried about ruining our friendship, I let her go ahead. I thought I was okay. I’m not, though. I’m sorry for being an emotional, selfish bitch about all of this.
Possibly the most painful part of all this, though, is that I’m not throwing in the towel just yet.
I love how happy you are with your girlfriend, even though I still avert my eyes sometimes to save myself grief. I want to fix this. I want to be your friend – need it, even. I don’t know if you’ve noticed that things are awkward between us, or if it’s all in my head, but I have six months to fix it.
Thank you for giving me something to work for. If I can get over myself, thank you in advance for staying in touch with me when we go off to college. Thank you for making me laugh on a daily basis – those moments feel like freshman year all over again.
And, above all, thanks for sticking with me. I don’t wanna think about how hurt I’d be if you seemed to be avoiding me.
I think I still love you, but I want you to be happy, no matter what. Of all the people I’ve ever known, you deserve it the most. Please take good care of yourself – the world needs you. I need you.
Your friend,
Vivi
I’m not sure where it all started, or how much you know now, but I’m sorry. Sorry for polluting our friendship with my googly-eyed, butterflied stomach admiration. Sorry that, for at least two years, I paid more attention to you than to anyone else at school. Sorry that I freaked out when you started dating my best friend. Sorry that I’ve put up awkward, lopsided walls between us because I’m still not totally over you. Sorry that I may lose touch with you after high school. Sorry that, by clinging to you, I’ve ruined our friendship.
You know what, though? Those two-and-some-odd years – before she got involved – were beautiful. I felt honored to be your best friend, and to spend time with you every day. It was nice of you to reach out to me with kindness and respect, even when I’m not half the person you are. It was magical, the way you made me believe a little more in myself; I like to think I did the same for you. It was comforting, the idea that you would always be there, that our friendship was unbreakable, that we really understood each other, and that – I might have pulled this from delusions – we were practically twin souls.
But now, I hate the way that what once came naturally, when you couldn’t possibly have suspected anything, is so hard to deal with now. We used to talk about everything (except my feelings for you, of course), but now it’s painful for me to sit in the same class as you. I sit next to you at lunch every day without daring to look at you. It sucks, knowing that all of the tears and anxiety I wasted on trying to keep this a secret, to protect our friendship, failed to do the trick. It sucks that I lied to myself and said I was over you, so that she could go on and form a beautiful couple with you. I didn’t know I wasn’t over you, and, even though she was worried about ruining our friendship, I let her go ahead. I thought I was okay. I’m not, though. I’m sorry for being an emotional, selfish bitch about all of this.
Possibly the most painful part of all this, though, is that I’m not throwing in the towel just yet.
I love how happy you are with your girlfriend, even though I still avert my eyes sometimes to save myself grief. I want to fix this. I want to be your friend – need it, even. I don’t know if you’ve noticed that things are awkward between us, or if it’s all in my head, but I have six months to fix it.
Thank you for giving me something to work for. If I can get over myself, thank you in advance for staying in touch with me when we go off to college. Thank you for making me laugh on a daily basis – those moments feel like freshman year all over again.
And, above all, thanks for sticking with me. I don’t wanna think about how hurt I’d be if you seemed to be avoiding me.
I think I still love you, but I want you to be happy, no matter what. Of all the people I’ve ever known, you deserve it the most. Please take good care of yourself – the world needs you. I need you.
Your friend,
Vivi