Bedtime

Last was the first night in years I didn't sleep with blake. Tonight will be no different. He doesn't want me like I wanted him, so I should act like his sister. Just his little sister. That will make him happy. He can stay with Babybop and all will be okay.
They will go off, get married, have kids and he will forget about me.
Just like he wants, just like he needs to.

I sit at the island in the kitchen. A cup of Jell-o in front of me. I poke at the orange, jiggly mass with a spoon.
I'm no longer hungry, everything tastes like dust on my tongue today. With a sigh I push it away and lay my forearms on the countertop. I lean my head down on them and close my eyes.

The smooth granite is cool against my skin. It feels nice. I move so my cheek is pressed against it.

"Farrah?" Comes a horse voice. I make myself look at him. He stands there only in boxers. His normally pale skin is paler in a sickly way. Large pink, purple, splotches cover his neck. His hair stands in every which way, tangled.

"Yes Blake?'' My voice is flat. He makes his way over to me, sitting on the stool next to mine.

"Do you remember anything about last night?" He looks at me through bloodshot eyes.

"Do you?" I question raising my brows.

"Just answer me, what do you know about last night?" He scowls at me.

I hesitate before answering.
"I know you took that girl in your room and I know you touched and kissed her" I trail off, whispering.

He groans putting his face in his hands. He turns to grabbing my shoulders.
"Look Farrah I- "You had to, you needed to. You told me" I look away from him. He shakes me roughly, making me look at him strangely.

"Yes Farrah, but you don't know why I needed to"

"Then tell me" I meet his intense stare with one of my own.
His mouth opens and closes his brow furrows like he just cannot find the right words to say.
"I want to tell you, but I can't, I-I just can't"

"Then I guess I should go get ready for school" I say dully, removing his hands and leaving the kitchen.

"Dammit" I here him mutter harshly, followed by the sound of the glass hitting the floor and shattering. Must've thrown something...

*X*

I'm so tired, my legs ache form walking home. Blake didn't pick me up. My shoulder hurts from my backpack, weighed down with many books I got at the library. Many book I wouldn't have gotten if I would have known he was going to be a no show.

I throw the heavy bag down on the couch and flop down lazily next to it. The house is silent.
I know I have homework to do, but I really don't want to do it.
I look at the TV remote, sitting on the coffee table five feet away.
I contemplate how vitally I want to watch TV, then decide not enough to get up off my tush and retrieve the remote.

I tap my nails rhythmically on the arm of the couch.
That stupid nagging voice in the back of my head tells me to get out my notebook and do my book report.

I pull a book on the Maya out of my back and flip to the first page, easing my conscious.
My eye lids droop, the sentences start to blur. Soon my thought process switches over to nonsense land, the kind a person floats to right before they fall asleep. The place where your still aware of your surroundings, but what your think makes absolutely no sense.

I better dance in the hallway so the cats can't follow the bread crumbs mom is throwing on the floor....

I'm ripped from the darkness I descended into as I slept when I'm placed on a bed by strong arms. Blake.

I moan tiredly and press my face into my pillow. Something soft and light is place on my tummy. Lips brush against my cheek before silence take's over and I know I'm alone.

I force my eyes open, staring at my popcorn textured ceiling a moment before glancing downward. In the darkness I see an odd shaped object laying on my stomach. I grab it and bring it close to face, squinting.

Two button eye's planted above a fuzzy snout stare back at me.
Reaching over, I turn on the lamp that sits on my nightstand.

I push myself up so I'm sitting, the teddy bear in my lap.
He is the bear from the park. He's been washed and revamped, with some new stitching and a new eye.

A small pink piece of folded paper hangs by a string from his neck. I smooth it out and look at Blake's soft writing.

I love you dear sister and I cannot explain everything, but one day it will all become clear. Please understand this. No girl, no rule, no nothing will stop me from loving you. You'll see why when the time comes

The words are tiny, squished together on the paper. A smile tugs at my lips. Maybe I was wrong, maybe he doesn't want Babybop, maybe he just likes the way she looks and feels.

I set the bear aside and jump out of my bed looking at myself in my mirror. I pull up my shirt and pinch a small fat roll.
I run my fingers over my dry skin, I touch my hair.

Maybe if I change? Maybe if I look more like her, then I will be the only one for him.