Believers Never Die Pt. 1

"Wait, so, you fucked somebody?"

"Yes, Evan, if you want to put it so bluntly, yes I fucked somebody."

There we were, in our living room. We stood on opposite sides, both standing defensively, identical brown eyes narrowed with frustration at the other. Evan had his arms folded, giving me the "I can't believe you just did" look. I stood across the room, weight on one hip, my arms crossed, but my positions changed every two minutes. I had a hard time staying still. It was common when I got angry.

Evan did have every right to be angry. I had been seeing "somebody" for about two weeks now. It wasn't until now that I had told him I'd even had sex. To make matters worse, it just kind of slipped out. That practically tripled the shock factor. Not to mention, I had only known "somebody" for about twenty minutes.

Not to mention, I didn't even tell Evan who it was or what gender they were. How was I supposed to tell my extremely straight brother that I fucked a guy? As much as I trusted Evan, that was a big deal. I didn't know how he would take it. I couldn't lose my brother, so I kept Ryan under wraps. Evan didn't need to know he was a guy. Evan also certainly didn't have to know that Ryan was actually a man.

"Max, what the hell? How long did you even know this guy? Twenty minutes?"

I scoffed, shifting my hands to hips, absolutely insulted. I flung my left arm out, flailing it a bit for emphasis. "Yeah, well, you had sex with whatsherface--"

"Jeisa," Evan bitterly corrected me.

"Whatever-- when you were thirteen!" I exclaimed. "How is that any different?"

Evan rolled his eyes. "I don't know why you even want to go there. Whatever, Max. I'm not getting into this. If you wanna go fuck strangers, go ahead, but don't come crawling back when you get some kind of gross STD." He shook his head, turning around and walking away. He stopped for a moment and looked back. "Whoever this is, they're going to hurt you. And don't say I didn't warn you."

Groaning loudly, I dramatically exited to my room. I slammed the door behind me, and I flopped back on the bed. I stared at the ceiling for about two seconds before sighing and restlessly rolling onto my side, reaching for the cell phone on my nightstand. I scanned through my contacts and called Ryan. I waited as the phone rang, and after a few seconds, Ryan answered.

"Hello?"

I couldn't help but smile. I loved his voice. "Hey."

"Who is this?" he asked, sounding genuinely confused.

"Uh," I laughed awkwardly. "it's Max."

"Oh, hey. Sorry, I'm uh, kinda tired."

My smile grew a bit wider. "No, it's fine. So, I was wondering, you know, like, if you wanted to go for a walk or something."

"Yeah, totally. Sounds great. I'll meet you at my place, okay?"

"Okay! i lo--" But he already hung up.

About a half hour later, I was standing outside of Ryan's door, waiting for him. When he finally emerged, I couldn't help but grin. As he closed the door, I leaned in toward him, though when he turned, he seemed to walk right past me and down the stairs. I was caught off-guard, but I shook off the feeling and quickly followed him down the stairs. "So where are we going?" he asked me when he noticed I had caught up to him.

I just shrugged, my hands in my pockets. "Don't know. I just like to look at things. Maybe we could go to Griffith Park or something--"

"No," Ryan interjected, quickly shaking his head and shooting me a sideways glance. "No, let's go somewhere quieter. I don't like being around all those people."

I looked at him for a second and nodded. "Right, right, well... Okay. Why don't you lead the way, then?" I gave him a smile. He gave me nothing in return.

We wandered for a while, and I may as well have been walking alone. Ryan didn't acknowledge me at all. He stood at least four feet away from me at all times. He seemed to go out of his way to walk ahead of me. Whenever I tried to hold his hand, he would move his. Once or twice, he actually pushed me away from him. He never explained to me why he did this, but he made me feel invisible. It made me wish I was invisible. It almost seemed like it would hurt less if he didn't see me. Then, I wouldn't be so painfully aware that he was doing this on purpose.

It was dark when we made it back to his house. He kissed me goodnight like nothing was wrong. He said he would call me later. When he went inside, none of the lights turned on. I didn't know what he was doing, but I could feel anger swelling inside me. I stood there for a few minutes, standing under his window, against the wall where he couldn't even see me if he tried. I briefly considered finding a cinder block and throwing it through his window. I almost wished it would nail him right in the head. I didn't know why I was so angry, but if Ryan was hit in the head by a cinder block, he could never make anyone feel as shitty as I did now.

When I got home, I immediately took the stairs on the second floor up to the roof. I hated Ryan. I hated the way I felt, and I hated myself even more for knowing that I would just crawl back to him in the end. As much as I was angry with Ryan, I was at least three times angrier with myself. I didn't understand it. I wanted to hate him. I wanted to tell him I hated him, but I was a coward. All I did was hide behind a pen and write stupid, angsty songs that nobody cared to listen to.

I wished he was dead.

"Max?" I turned my head. "What are you doing?"

I shook my head. "Nothing, Evan, I'm just thinking."

He walked up and sat down beside me. "You okay?"

I just nodded. "Fine," I told him, glancing away.

"No, you aren't," Evan immediately replied. I looked over at him. He put his hand on my shoulder. "Did something happen with your girlfriend? Did she dump you?"

I shook my head, and I bit my lip, feeling water forming behind my eyes. I blinked vigorously, trying to hold it back. "He is an asshole."

Evan opened his mouth to speak but stopped. "He? You mean..."

"I think I'm gay," I sputtered. Suddenly, I burst into tears. "He's such an asshole. I hate him. I hate him."

Instead of having the reaction I expected him to, Evan reached over and put an arm around me. "Max, it's gonna be okay," he told me. He rubbed my arm, and we sat there in the dark, on the roof, in silence. Nothing needed to be said. Evan just knew, and that's what I loved the most about him.

Evan didn't judge me, even though I would test him time and time again. It didn't matter. He always stuck by me, even when I went running back to Ryan every time.