Couldn't Hate Enough to Love

Our fights always started the same way. Stupid, petty disputes blown completely out of proportion.

"I don't fucking need to go to greif therapy!"

"Counseling."

"There's nothing wrong with me!" That was a lie, that I couldn't even convince myself. It's been a year since Luc passed away, but it didn't get any easier. After Luc's funeral, I mustered up every ounce of strength I had not to have a mental breakdown. I immersed myself in the playoffs, only to fall short.

I thought that the grief would fade, but there was always constant reminders.

"Kris," Tara's voice was low, trying to calm me. "I love you. I'm trying to help you."

I shook my head fervently. "You have no idea what you're talking about! You don't know what it's like! "

That was my first mistake.

"Oh, I don't? Kris, I lost both of my parents. I think I know damn well what it's like! So why don't you let me help you?" She was animated, waving her hands in front of my face.

"I'm fine," I said through gritted teeth. "Just let. it. go." I brushed past her trying to escape her inquiry.

She stepped in front of me, blocking my access to the hallway. I looked down at her and laughed. I could easily push past her.

"This isn't funny. You need counseling Kris. You can't just push everyone away. Luc would want you to get help."

I hate it when people think they know what the dead want. If Luc were alive I wouldn't need help.

"You don't know what he would want!" I exploded. This had been a long time coming. "So just drop it and get the fuck out of here, okay?"

"What?" She looked up at me, dazed.

"Get the fuck out!" That was my second mistake.

"You want me to leave?"

I gave one stiff nod.

Love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage.

This was only the second time I'd seen her cry, without trying to hide it. "Wh-what's going to happen to us?"

"I can't destroy what isn't there," I said bitterly.

"This is really what you want?"

No. I turned around so she couldn't see the pain on my face. "Yes."

Mistake three: letting her go. I watched her slam the door shut, before I collapsed on the floor, burying my face in my hands.