Don't Waste Your Time On Me

Aged 13
Thirteen is such a naive age. You tend to believe anything you’re told and fear anything that you don’t understand. Though many are still like that in years to come.

Thirteen is also the time where you start to hate your parents for every little thing they do. You become moody and reckless.

My parents had already gone through the stages of puberty with my two older brothers’ and my older sister so they were more than ready for it when it was my turn.
But what they weren’t ready for was for me to the opposite.

I wasn’t moody or reckless. I didn’t blame them for every little thing that they did. I was oddly calm and serene and I blamed myself instead of them. They truly didn’t understand this.
Now, so many people have asked me why you blamed yourself for every little thing that someone did. Well, I guess that what was going through my mind was why I let that happen when I could have quite easily avoided it.

I was never a rambunctious child compared to my brothers and sister but I didn’t seem to fit in with the whole family scene I was, and still am, a very independent and reclusive person.
So when my parents revealed that we were moving to Lutherville, Maryland in Baltimore they weren’t surprised when I didn’t kick up a fuss about leaving my family and friends behind.

Let’s face it; I never really had that many friends anyway.

I remember watching my parents and my siblings saying goodbye to the people that they’ll miss. Tears were shed and goodbyes lingered in the air. But never once was I the one shedding the tears. A simple goodbye left my lips before I turned to my father and asked for the car keys.

Sighing, he dropped them into my awaiting hands and watched as I silently turned on my heels and sauntered to the car.

I took my usual place in the big 7 seat car, one of the seats in the boot. My family wasn’t one to break tradition or a routine, whatever you want to call it.
It was always me in the boot. My eldest brother Jake, he’s 19, sat on the left side next to the window, then my other older brother Daniel, he’s 18, sat in the middle seat and finally my older sister Grace, she’s 16, sat on the right by the window. Obviously my parents sat in the front of the car, each taking it in turns to drive.

It wasn’t that long later that my family joined me in the car. Tears were still dripping down my sister’s face and I have to admit that I felt sorry for her so I reached across to lay my hand on her shoulder. Her head whipped around as a shocked or surprised look spread across her face before she grasped my hand in hers and gave a quick squeeze throwing me a watery smile along the way too. I too flashed a quick smile before retrieving my hand and sitting back in my seat.

My IPod is my only companion and that’s the way it always will be. Music is a part of me. It’s in my soul. It’s the one thing that can make me smile or make me happy when I’m down or feeling depressed.

I remember when I was young; maybe only 5 at the time, my mum brought me my first tape. Sure it only had nursery rhymes on it but it’s a start right?
The drive from the state of New York to Baltimore took roughly 3 and half hours possibly 4, most of which my family talked about our new start in life, where as I sat and listened to my IPod... of course. I probably would have read a book too, if it wasn’t for the fact that I get a serious case of sickness if I read in the car.

Anyway, the car soon stopped to a halt and I found myself staring at a 3 story house that looked like something from one of those really girly chick flick films. I mean don’t get me wrong it’s a really nice house but it doesn’t feel like home, then again, nothing has ever felt like home to me.

I know what you’re thinking, that this girl is really troubled, maybe not in those words but something along the lines of that. Those words actually came from a shrink that my parents forced me to see twice a week for 2 years.

But whatever, that’s a different story.

I followed my family into the house and saw that they had all claimed their rooms already leaving me with the room on the bottom floor; A.K.A the basement. I wasn’t actually bothered by it, as the room was a decent size, if not big. It even had its own bathroom so that meant no arguing, something that I’m not fond of.

I breathed in feeling a somewhat flutter of happiness spread before me and dropped my bag onto the floor before making my way back up the stairs and out the front door just in time for the moving van to show up.

I just let my parents and my siblings deal with all of the hassle of the furniture and sat down on the grass in front of the house and looked up into the sky.

I wasn’t quite sure how long I had been sitting there when I sensed that I wasn’t alone. And sure enough when I turned my head to the right I saw 4 boys, who looked a little older than me, but definitely younger than Grace sitting beside me staring at me.

I didn’t quite know how to react so I offered them a shy smile and simple “Hello”. To which they all grinned widely and shouted “hey” at me. One of the boys, the tall lanky one with skunk looking hair jumped on me pinning me to the ground and declared me his new best friend. The shock must have been evident in my eyes with confusion sketched upon my face. I awkwardly patted him on the back and said “Okay then?”

The boy on top of me just laughed and sat up brining me up with him; although he remained sitting on my lap and began talking a mile and minute.

“Well hi. I’m Jack. The guy with the brown hair that’s Alex, he’s also my slut. The fatty that’s Rian, well actually his name is Robert but no one calls him that and last and definitely least is Zack.”
Once he finished talking he flashed me a cheesy grin before wrapping his arms back around me and chatting away about all of the best friend things that he was going to make me do with him.

I let my eyes wonder the other boys sitting before us, each of which smiled at me again, but my eyes got lost in the deep hazel eyes that were staring into my soul.

Deep for a thirteen year old huh?

Fast forward 2 months

As the weeks passed, I was enjoying my time in Lutherville more and more, granted most of it was spent with the boys, whether it be with Zack after school or all of them at the weekends or at their band practice every evening.

Jack was hugely disappointed when he found out that I wasn’t going to be attending Dulaney High School with him, Alex and Rian like my siblings but instead I asked my parents if I could Towson High School after I finished at middle school. Sure it was a bit of a travel every morning and my parents weren’t that happy about it but I was. I think that it had more to do with Zack than the actual school. I just have this dream that when I get there
Zack will meet me before and after every one of my lessons despite me being a year younger than him.

I think that it’s safe to say that I a crush on Zack. No actually wait. It’s so much more than a crush. I think that it’s seriously possible that I love him.

Aged 15

So a lot yet nothing has happened in the last 2 years of being in Lutherville.

Jack is still, and most likely always will be, hyperactive but I wouldn’t love him if he wasn’t. Obviously in the platonic way.

Alex is basically the man-whore of the group. But honestly, once you get past his slutty ways you find that he has this great big heart and will look out for you if you’re ever in trouble.

Rian. What can you say about Rian? He’s the group’s teddy bear. Well at least he is mine. I know that whenever I’m sad I can just go to him and he’ll make me feel better.

And then there’s Zack. My boyfriend.

I love him. I really do. The way that his hazel eyes glisten when he’s talking about something he loves or is passionate about. The way that he flashes that crooked grin whenever he’s embarrassed or nervous. The way that he seems so shy and quiet to those who don’t know him when really he’s almost as energetic as Jack at times. The way that he loses himself in music when playing with the guys. The way that he can just kick back and relax but still look irresistible.

I love the way that he’s not just my boyfriend but he’s my best friend. I can talk to him about anything without being embarrassed. The way that he would climb through my window at 2 am if I needed him.

I can honestly say that the longest that I have been apart from these boys is like a week, maybe less in the whole 2 years that I’ve been here.

They’re my rock.

It’s kinda ridiculous really and my parents hate it, but I literally spend all of my free time with them. It’s possible that I’m closer to them than I am with my family and oddly I don’t mind it that way.

They’re the first people that in my entire life understand me and allowed me to open up to them in my own time.

Aged 16

Okay so I just had the biggest fall out with Zack EVER! And I’m not even joking. And it was all over that stupid subject that every boy’s mind revolves around.

Yes I’m talking about Sex.

I mean, I’ve only just turned 16, as in last week. I know that plenty of girls my age have got it over and done with by now but I’m just not there yet and I would have thought that he would have understood that but obviously he’s just like every other 17 year old male.
Sure we’ve been together almost 2 years but I have the right to my own body. I’m just not ready and it kills me to know that he doesn’t understand that.

12 Am
I’m currently curled up in a ball with my knees under my chin trying to stop the tears from falling.
Part of me just wanted to phone up Zack and tell him that I’ll do it; I’ll have sex with him, just so that he won’t be angry with me anymore.

But I know that I shouldn’t do that because I’m not ready and I’ll just end up regretting it and hating both Zack and myself because of it.

I was so lost in my thoughts that I hadn’t even noticed Zack approach my window until I heard him tap upon it gently.

Keeping my knees to my chest, I turned my head slightly towards the sound and when I saw his face; his sad, ashamed face I burst into tears all over again.

I watched as he let out a deep sigh and rested his forehead against the glass misting it up as he breathed.

“Jase, please just let me in baby. I’m sorry so, so sorry” His voice started to quiver half way through suggesting that he was close to tears and no matter how angry or upset I may be, I can’t stand to see him cry.

I sniffed and wiped my eyes with the back of my hand while slowly slipping off of my bed.
My legs were shaking beneath me ultimately making it hard for me to hold my body up because all it wanted to do was collapse to the floor; all I wanted to do is cry myself dry.
Slowly, but surely, my hands made their way to the window in front of me just sitting there for a few seconds almost lingering on the idea of not opening it at all.

Taking in the deepest breath that I could muster up, I pushed the window up opening it just enough so that he could grab hold and pull himself through.
Seeing that he had a grip on the window I moved away to sit back upon my bed my head down and my hands in my lap.

The bed dipped slightly with the added weight of Zack’s body and before I knew what was happening I was lifted off of the bed and wrapped up in his strong arms; a place that I always seem to feel safe and protected.

He whispered into my hair over and over again.

“I’m sorry Jase. Really I am. You deserve so much better that what I can ever give you. You deserve so much better than me”

I simply just shook my head unable to form any words to comfort him other than

“Zack please. Stop. Just stop apologising. It’s not just your fault. I’m just as much to blame as you are. I lead you on, I mean with how touchy feely I am with the hugging and the kissing who wouldn’t take that as I sign that I’m ready. And I’m really sorry about that. But I just can’t Zack. My heart is telling me to let go of my insecurities and trust you with my whole being but my mind, my mind is screaming at me, screaming that I’m not... there yet or that I’m not good enough for you, at least in that way. I’m not like all of the other girls other than the fact that I love you; I’m not like them at all. I’m not sexy or curvy. I don’t have an underlying sex kitten just waiting to show itself. I’m just a plain Jane. There’s nothing special about me”

I honestly think that I had knocked all the words out of him.

“Jasey... I honestly can’t believe what you just said. I get that you’re not ready and that you have insecurities. But don’t you ever think that you’re not good enough for me in anyway what so ever. You’re all I could ever wish for and more. I don’t understand how you can say that you’re not sexy or curvy because you obviously haven’t taken a look at yourself recently. Jasey; say you mean it. I need you to love me as much as I do you. You’re dressed to kill all the time and let me tell you, I almost do... every single day. It takes all of my strength to keep myself standing upright and to stop myself from falling to my knees at your feet but don’t waste your time on me. I’m not worth it”

Hearing him say these things about me and how he isn’t worth my time I couldn’t help but fall even more in love with him. New feelings spread throughout my body, ones that I didn’t know that I was capable of feeling.

“Zack... do you honestly think that I would lie about loving you? I love you so much that it pains me to be apart from you even if it is just for an hour. You’re the first thing I think about every morning and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep at night. Hell, pretty much all of my dreams consist of you. You’re on my mind every single day if not every hour at least. Look at us... we’ve been gambling with desire and we lost. So what? It’s something to learn from. Something to aid us for when we do finally become one... when we finally entwine our souls in the most intimate way. You make my heart race and I love it as do I love you”
I swear that I could see tears forming in his eyes before he leaned forward and pressed a loving kiss upon my forehead.

“I love you Jasey Rae Taylor, I honestly mean that. My words are as timed as the beating in my chest. Look” He grabbed hold of my hand and placed my hand directly upon his heart.

“Do you feel how fast my heart beast for you? Whenever I’m near you or even when I think about you my heart goes into overdrive. I love you Jase. And I’m prepared to wait as long as needs be”

A blush was already creeping onto my cheeks just thinking about it.

“What if I were to say that I’m ready now?” My voice was quiet and shy fearing rejection or for him to just jump me and not take it slow like I need or desire.

“Jasey... you don’t just have to say that you’re ready because of me. I want you to be ready in every aspect. I want your first time to be special”
The sincerity in his voice made me melt inside.

“Zacky... I’m ready, I promise. Besides it’s always going to be special because I’m with you”

His eye’s caught mine and I could see the emotions just pouring right out. His eyes truly are the window to his soul.

I leaned up and caught his lips with my own.

The love between us flowed easily.

That night we became one. In every way possible.
In heart, mind, soul and body.