Jasey Rae

They say you are in love when the goodbye is the hardest. That's not entirely true. I'm not in love with Rian; I'm not in love with Zack. 

But, some say that goodbye shouldn't be said at all. Why? Because when you're saying goodbye, it means you'll never meet up again. So, when departing, one should say "See you later". Then it means "Hey, I'm leaving right now, possibly for a long time, but in the future, I want to meet up with you again".

'Goodbye' means "I'm leaving you right now, and I don't really intend on seeing you again". Goodbye is something you say when you are completely done with that person, that you never want to see that person again. It means you have no intention of ever wanting to talk or hear about this person forth rest of your life.

So why did I say 'goodbye' to Alex? Why did I intend that I didn't want to meet up or hear from him again? Why did I say that I was going to lose all contact with him and never speak to him again? Why did I say that when I actually wanted to see him again? I wanted desperately to see him in the future.

Maybe it's because I wanted myself to believe that I never wanted to see this boy again. Maybe it's because I had to tell myself to let go and this was the only way of doing it. Saying goodbye meant ending this relationship completely with him. And I definitely did not want that.

Waking up wasn't a problem for me today since I was awake most of the night. I tossed and turned on the couch I was sleeping on, my brain having no intention of shutting down for a while at all. My body wanted desperately to go to sleep, but my mind wasn't having it. I was leaving and there was no denying that. 

Rian, Jack, and Zack all slept like rocks, completely unaware of the millions of thoughts racing through my mind, keeping me wide awake. 

My shower was slow this morning, ten minutes longer than usual. Half of me didn't want to leave and wanted to just keep living in Maryland, but the other half wanted me to leave. That half was convincing me that I needed to leave. I needed to leave and continue my life in Chicago. Sure, I never wanted to leave the three boys that were most important to me, but I wanted to continue my dream. I needed to leave to get away from the presence of Alex Gaskarth for a few months. Yes, I was going to be furious at him for a long time, and yes, I was going to most likely cry a few nights. But after a while, I'm going to stop crying, I'm going to stop imaginary killing Alex in my head, and I'm going to stop being mad at the boy and just let it all go. I'm going to move on. Eventually.

When I walked downstairs after I finished getting ready, the air smelled strongly of waffles. Walking in the kitchen, I smiled. My three favorite boys were making breakfast. Each of them had a solemn expression on their faces, to which I gave a sad smile in return. Today was going to be a hard day. 

Jack looked at me with sad eyes, but a small smile was still tugging at his lips. He pulled a kitchen table chair out, and made me sit down. Like a gentleman, he pushed my chair in and gave me a kiss on the top of my head as Rian put a plate of steaming hot waffles in front of me with two sausage links on the side and real maple syrup on top, also giving me a kiss on the head. Zack put a glass of orange juice next to my plate along with a fork, and followed his best friends' actions and gave me a kiss on the head.

"They'll never measure up to yours or Nina's, but we thought we'd give it a try." Rian explained softly, a small smile dancing on his lips, though his eyes were cheerless.

"We figured you won't really get a home-cooked meal for a while." Zack continued, the hurt look in his eyes tearing my heart apart.

"And besides, how often will you really get a decent breakfast cooked be three incredibly good-looking guys?" Jack tried to joke, and he cracked a smile from me, but it didn't do much. 

Tears welled up in my eyes, and I felt my chin quiver a little. They're seriously the best boys in the entire world. I went to stand up, but Jack pushed me down softly, shaking his head at me. "Hugs later. Eat now. Or it'll get cold."

I smiled and took my fork, cutting it into the soft waffle and stabbing it before putting it in my mouth. The butter and syrup made my mouth water quickly, and I sighed of content. These were really amazing.

After breakfast, it was nearly time for me to leave, so the boys helped me pack up the rest of my belongings in the taxi we had called. The cab driver had said take our time to say goodbye because he saw how sad we were and he wouldn't run the meter, and I thanked him gratefully for that. He merely said he wanted an autograph in return, and I laughed lightly, telling him I'd give him one.

My first goodbyes were said to Mr. and Mrs. Barakat. I was already crying silently. They had done so much for me when my real mother wouldn't. "I want to thank you so much for all you've done for me. Truly, you taking me in was possibly the best thing ever to happen to me. You have been so kind and generous to me and I don't deserve it. I don't know how to thank you enough."

They smiled at me, small tears were in the corners of their eyes, threatening to fall. Mrs. Barakat touched my face lovingly, using her thumb to whisk away the tear that had fallen. "You, my dear, are the best thing that's happened to our son. He's such a changed man, and we can't thank you enough for that. Having you in our home was a true delight, and you are welcome any time no matter what. We consider you one of our daughters, and we'll surely miss you."

I smiled, giving them one last hug before pulled away. "If you need anything, please don't hesitate to ask. I'll do pretty much anything for you."

"Don't be a stranger, dear." Mr. Barakat requested, and I reflected his smile.

"Never." I promised. I took a few steps over to the three I didn't want to say goodbye to. But, I have to. 

Zack was first, and I felt his strong arms immediately wrap around my body tightly. He crushed me a little, but I didn't care; I was crushing - well, trying to - him back. His now black hair tickled my face as I felt him give me a soft kiss on the cheek. I felt more tears fall. "Now who am I supposed to talk sports with?"

I laughed breathlessly and pulled back, using my shaking hand to wipe away the tears from my face. "You can call me any time, Zack. I don't care if it's two in the morning."

He smiled, pulling me in for another quick hug before reluctantly letting me go. "I'll hold you to that."

I gave him once last smile before stepping over to Rian. My chin quivered as I felt the waterworks coming again. I enveloped the boy into a secure hug and felt him quickly give me a kiss on the cheek. "Come and visit us sometime, yeah?" He asked, and I nodded furiously.

"Every chance I get." I promised, and he smiled his amazing, shiny smile at me. I smiled back and sighed. "Keep Kara, kay? She's perfect for you." He nodded, giving me one last bug before I stepped over the last boy.

The tears came fast then, the moment I looked up at the banana haired boy in front of me. I sniffled, feeling him pull me into his chest tightly. We stayed like that for a few minutes, just sniffling and holding each other. Finally, I pulled back, knowing I had to leave now. "Jack, I'll always love you. Never forget that."

"Only if you'll remember that I'll always love you back." 

I smiled through my tears and leaned up, connecting our lips with a soft kiss before pulling back. My stomach flipped at the contact, but this time, I didn't run away or push him away. I just...smiled at him, and he smiled back.

"One last picture of you four, okay?" 

We all nodded sadly at Mrs. Barakat as she rushed over quickly in front of us to snap a photo. We composed ourselves as best as we could, wiping our faces and trying to get the redness down. Rian and Zack were on my left side and Jack was on my right, and I put my arms tightly around Rian's and Jack's waists. 

"Now smile!" 

The flash momentarily blinded us, but we didn't care. I gave them one last hug before climbing in the car. "See ya, guys." I waved, smiling softly as I rolled the window back up. I looked at the driver and he gave me a sympathetic smile.

"You know, someone said that one should never be sad that one is leaving, because in the long run, if it's meant to be, you'll meet up again in the future." He said wisely, and I smiled, watching out the window as the five bodies I'll miss most get smaller and smaller as the distance was put between us.

"Trust me; it's meant to be."

[jaseyrae]

I hate flying.

I've never liked it. Ever since the tragedy at New York in September, I've forever hated gliding in an oversized toy airplane, through the clouds, and sometimes above them. I'd rather be on the ground rather than look at it from 16,000 feet in the air, you know? I'm claustrophobic, too, which does not help the fact that I always get stuck in the middle seat of the row, between two overweight couple that one had wanted the aisle seat so he could easily get out of the plane, and the other wanting the window seat so she could look out it. And I get stuck in the middle of them, as they start fighting about if one is overdressed for a plane ride, then end up falling asleep on each of my shoulders. The flight attendants are always too perky, asking every two seconds if I want a refill when I haven't even had a look at it. The turbulence sucks, making me spill my complimentary pop everywhere, and my complimentary peanuts shoot out of the bag because we had hit a bad bump and my fingers rip open the bag, making the nuts fly every which way. The plane ride is always too long, and you can't walk anywhere without getting accused of being a terrorist or getting in trouble because your "disturbing the other fliers." The plane no longer gives you an actual meal anymore, so my stomach is growling at me for food, when I'm trying to fill it up on pop, nuts, and whatever else the flight attendants give me. And, of course, I get stuck in a place where there's no TV, so I can't watch a movie, and I can't even sleep because I have two huge apes on each shoulder, snoring louder than a lions roar every second.

Then, when you finally get off the plane, your legs are so wobbly and you can't walk very well. And you fight your way out of the plane and into the airport, screaming out, 'Hallelujah! I'm on the ground again!' Then, you practically run to the baggage claim, hoping you don't miss your bag before they throw it into the unclaimed baggage area.

And, as if in cue, people surround you, beefing for your autograph, and saying how much they are a fan of you, and have seen so many games and they're my biggest fan. And"Sign this, sign that. Here, here's my shoe, sign them so I can show my friends!" "Take a picture with me so I can show my friends!" "Take a picture so I can show my cat!" "Here! Here's my forehead, sign it!" is all you here as you try to bolt out the airport as quickly as possible, but no one moves. Then someone tries to steal your hat, or an article of clothing so they can have a "memory" of you. Then finally, after twenty minutes of suffocation, and hyperventilating because of no space, security breaks up the group so you can actually breathe. Then they eventually ask for your autograph and everything goes back to the way it was just minutes ago.

Then you finally get out of the airport and outside where there are six trillion people there all trying to get a taxi, and sprinting into the one that comes to the curb. People curse and swear at the ones who had cut in front of them when they've been waiting for "hours." And when you finally get a cab after people have cussed at you for stealing their cab, the roads are moving at one mile an hour because there's so much traffic.

I hate flying.

But, today, I didn't complain. I didn't talk to the airport managers or whatever because of such poor security and quality. I just...let it happen. Why? Because I had just left my three most best friends, and said goodbye to the one boy I thought I was completely in love with and vise versa.

Arriving at home, my mother and brother each gave me a hug, asking how I was and how my flight was. I merely shrugged, giving them a small smile before sighed deeply. They ask how home was and that if I had any trouble there when they were gone. I froze then, my mind flashing memories of all the fights and tears when I was home in Maryland. But, I shook my head, smiling softly as I thought back to all the good times I had, like Christmas morning and Eve, and the time I gave myself to the boy I loved, despite the reason why he did it. No matter what people said, that night was magical, and I'll always remember it as that. I told my family that I was tired and wanted to sleep to which they nodded and ushered me upstairs.

I smiled to myself, thinking of my friends back home. That was truly the best few months of my life, and for the first time ever, I'm thankful for the accident. Because if it didn't happen, I wouldn't have met the four boys I love, and I would never change what happened.

[jaseyrae]

[(two and a half months later)]

I laughed lightly, patting my relief pitcher on the shoulder before heading off to my bag. It's been two and a half months since I was on the plane to Chicago. And now, my life couldn't be more spectacular. The team had welcomed me back vigorously and told me they missed me a lot, demanding to know what happened when I was on the east coast. I just shrugged at them, smiling softly. 'Oh, just met some really amazing people. Went back to school. That's about it.' Normally, I'd tell then every single detail, no matter how long it lasted. But this time, I didn't feel the need to tell them.

I quickly checked my phone secretly, seeing if I had any messages. I did. There was one. And it was from a boy who I have barely talked to since I left. I quickly typed in my passcode and waited impatiently for the message to play. Finally, after what seemed like years, it started.

JASEY! JASEY RAE! WE DID IT! WE'RE SIGNED! WE'RE GOING TO BE ON TOURS AND EVERYTHING! WE'RE SO EXCITED! YOU WERE RIGHT! WHOO!

My jaw dropped the second the Jack said 'signed.' They did it! They were going to be famous! 

"Jasey! Come on back! We need you to practice a few more times." 

Looked over at my shoulder, smiling like a lunatic at my coach before giving him the one minute sign. I put my phone back in my bag before jogging over to my pitcher's mound. 

I'll have to call Jack back later to congratulate them. The boys are finally signed and I know this is going to be an amazing season. Who knows? Maybe we'll win the World Series this year. Two thousand and five couldn't be much better.

Life couldn't be much better.