Dear John

I was sitting on his windowsill when he turned the light on, the look on his face was a painful mixture of hatred and longing. Neither of us spoke for a while just stared at each other not moving. It was as if we both feared that if we moved we would find out it was only a dream. Or maybe we hoped that if we didn’t move we would wake up from the nightmare that lay before us.

“You’re room it’s so boring, it doesn’t match your personality at all.” I finally said not being able to take the silence anymore. I smiled but he still didn’t move he just stared at me with an expression that there are no words for. “I know I messed up. The house looked really dark, I thought you were gone. But that doesn’t give me right to break in, I’m sorry.”

“What are you doing here?” He finally said.

“I’m leaving.”

“Don’t go.” His voice got really small as he said the words that normally I had to say.

“I have to, I can’t be here anymore.” I knew he thought I was talking about in his room but I was taking about in this state. “I messed up a lot, I messed you up and that was never my plan.”

“Please just stay the night with me. One last night. Just fall asleep in my arms one last time. You don’t owe it to me but I would like for it to happen.”

“I don’t know if that is such a good idea.”

“Please.”

“I just wanted to drop off a letter and leave.”

“Alli, Please,” He was pleading and I couldn’t stand it. I got off the window ledge and walked over to him, he wrapped me up in his arms and just held me close. “I missed you.”

“Let’s go to bed John,” I whispered, “Let’s fall asleep one last time.” I tugged on his hand lightly trying to get him to go to the bed. “I have to leave early though.”

“Do you have class?”

“No I’m done for this semester. Next semester I’m doing online courses only.”

“So you can work more?”

“Something like that.” I crawled under the covers of his bed and he followed suit keeping our bodies close. “You probably won’t see me in the morning.”

“I’m not going to see you again after tonight am I? Don’t lie please.”

“I’m going to go stay with my Aunt for a while.”

“The only Aunt you have lives in L.A.”

“Exactly. Don’t be mad but I can’t be here, I can’t ruin coming home for you.”

“You’re leaving? You aren’t even going to stay here? What about Jess and Nic? What about all your friends? Jess didn’t tell me anything.”

“Nobody knows. And be honest you don’t care about anybody else. You thought that maybe we could still see each other sometimes. Maybe we could go on bike rides together or maybe we could grab lunch once a month to make sure we really were better off alone.”

“Not right away but soon yes. I was hoping we could be friends.”

“Yeah well, I’m not over you, you aren’t over me. I mean come on I kissed Brian tonight because I saw you. I can’t do that. He’s not even a good kisser, not like you. But I can’t freak out like I did tonight and do stupid things like that just because when I see you I feel like I’m going to explode. We need distance.”

“We had a month apart after our breakup.”

“Yeah and I convinced myself for a month that it wasn’t going to hurt, I convinced everyone that I was over you. Everyone but myself because honestly I’m still in love with you. If you don’t believe me feel free to go into my room and check the shoebox at the back of my closet. I’m not taking anything when I leave in the morning but a backpack so the box is yours. I mean it should have been yours anyways but it’s yours. I’m finally giving it to you.”

“What is it?”

“You’ll see when you go get it. I have to go to sleep now, I have to be up early.”

“Should I set the alarm?”

“My phone alarm has been set for a while.”

“Oh ok.”

“Go to sleep honey.” I hesitated for a second but still kissed his cheek. “Go to sleep.” He put his hand on the back of my head and pushed my face closer to his.

“I still love you, don’t go, I can be a better boyfriend.” He kissed me.

“You act like it’s so simple.”

“It is simple, I love you. You love me. That’s enough.”

“We aren’t kids anymore. A bit of love doesn’t make everyone as happy as can be. I need someone who will be there for me. And you can’t be.”

“But.”

“One day you’re going to be perfect for someone else. And it won’t matter that you’re gone a lot. And you won’t get mad because she calls you drunk, a lot.”

“I never got.”

“Yes you did. I don’t blame you I’m an annoying drunk dialer. I’m just saying there is probably someone out there that will make us both very happy.”

“You make me happy.”

“John, please, let’s just go to sleep I don’t want to do this with you right now. You’re still too much in the relationship. I’ll stay tonight and tomorrow I’ll be gone. Tomorrow you can start a over? Promise me tomorrow you’ll start over?”

“I promise but only because you’ll be gone.” I turned over in the bed so he wouldn’t see my face anymore. I could feel his fingers gliding through my hair and I could feel his lips brushing against my shoulders. But I refused to give in to him. It was for the best that I left and didn’t look back. After tonight there was no looking back.