Dear John
Chapter 12
As I climbed onto the bus I knew I was making the biggest mistake of my life, but as much as I wanted to I wouldn’t let myself turn around. I couldn’t do that to myself again; I couldn’t do that to him again. Leaving behind John and the rest of my life was the biggest mistake I ever made but only because I was smart enough not to stay when I can’t handle it.
I passed by the rows of seats already filled with people, people who I assumed didn’t have to deal with the same rough decision this morning that I had to. How could they have possibly had to decide to give up perfection? How could they have woken up with the perfect man but quietly left out the window without a glance back? It felt as if everyone’s eyes were on me as I made my way back staring at me, judging me because I appeared to be so easily leaving behind the only thing that made my life good. I found an empty row near the back and settled myself into the window seat. I placed my headphones into my ears and fumbled with my ipod to get to the playlist that John and I made before he left. The playlist we made to play whenever we felt alone because if we were both were listening to the same playlist then we were still connected we were still together. It was stupid but if I couldn’t actually be with him then I would like to pretend that we were still connected by this playlist. As the first riff hit my ear I wondered if he would listen to the playlist when he woke up alone or if he even still had the playlist to listen to. I felt a tap on my shoulder bringing me out of my thoughts just in time to stop the tears that were threatening to escape. I pulled the earphone out and turned to look at the guy who just tapped me.
“Do you mind if I sit here?” The old man asked pointing to the open seat at the aisle.
“Go ahead,” I said before turning to look out the window.
“So are you going on a vacation?”
“Extended vacation of sorts.”
“So you’re moving?”
“I just have to get away for a while.”
“Would you like to talk about it? It’s a long ride and I’m a good listener.”
“I don’t know it’s kind of stupid. It’s just I just it’s hard to think about it.”
“Did you kill someone?”
“No.”
“Then answer this question are you leaving with the hopes high or hopes crushed?”
“A bit of both I suppose,” I took the other ear phone out and turned off the ipod, “I’m leaving because of a boy. We had been dating since we were 16 we’re 19 now so three years. It’s funny because for two months before we started dating I thought he would never go out with me. I tried everything to get him to notice me but he just didn’t and I couldn’t understand why. Tons of guys were after me but I didn’t care I only wanted him. Then one night we were at the same concert and somehow we ended up standing next to each other. I didn’t even know he was going to be there. But there we were standing next to each other and the band starts to play this song to this day it’s still one of our favorite songs and we both went crazy jumping around not a care in the world for how ridiculous we probably looked. The song ended and he looked over at me and introduced himself. I explained to him that we were in the same school and even in a couple classes together. He smiled and I grabbed his hand and led him out of the crowd. I bought him a water and he asked me out for dinner. I thought everything was finally going to be perfect.”
“But?”
“Don’t get me wrong it was perfect for a really long time it was perfect, but he was in a band and they tour most of the time. More so in the last year I mean he has been touring since we started dating and it was never really a problem, but it’s just, I mean it’s selfish of me really but I’m tired of having to do things alone. I had to go to my prom alone, I’ve had to go to weddings alone, celebrate my graduation alone. I’ve had to go through a ton of high and low points in my life alone because he has been on the road. I’ve tried not to let it upset me and most of the time it doesn’t but sometimes it does. Like when I called him when my grandpa died and he couldn’t talk because he had to go bowling. Right after that phone call I wrote him a letter breaking up with him, he got it on his birthday. I never wanted to break up with him it just happened, I was upset. I didn’t take his calls for a month didn’t read his emails, avoided all things that reminded me of him. Then he came home and I knew I still loved him, but I didn’t want to take him back because I knew nothing would change. So the first time I saw him after he got back I kissed one of his best friends in front of him and that’s when I knew I had to leave. So here I am on a bus running away from a boy I love and who loves me because I don’t know if I could take being alone anymore. Part of me just wants to take a few days to clear my head and go back to him but I know that if I do I will just end up in this situation again. I don’t know if I can handle that again.”
“That is the least stupid thing I’ve ever heard, and believe me miss I’ve heard a lot of things in my time. Affairs of the heart are never stupid ma’am.”
“I put up with it for so long, I feel like a fool.”
“That doesn’t mean it didn’t change, maybe because you had been together for so long and it was working so well maybe he forgot that sometimes he needs to put you first when he is on the road. Unless he acts this way when he is home you are not a fool. Maybe you should have explained to him that you needed him instead of breaking his heart.”
“I know I shouldn’t have broken his heart, but he broke mine so often. And no, when he was home he was the best boyfriend anybody could ask for but he was only home for 4 months last year. Is eight months of subpar boyfriend abilities worth the four months of perfection?”
“Is it worth it to give up four months of perfection for a lifetime of less than perfection?”
“I don’t know it’s sometimes I just wish that John could be both, be perfect all the time.”
“How boring would that be? I think you should give him a second chance, I think you should explain that to him how you feel without him and how he needs to remember you.”
“I went to my prom alone, I celebrated my graduation alone, I dealt with my grandpa’s death alone, I had to go to my sister’s wedding alone, I’ve done so much alone. And all but my grandpa’s death he promised he would be there for me. I’ve given him plenty of chances.”
“And he is still perfect?”
“Yeah that is the problem, that is why I have to leave. I shouldn’t still think he is perfect but I do. I shouldn’t be allowed to mess with his life anymore. But when I think about it like that I wonder if I’m leaving to spare him or me.”
“Do you feel as if you are doing the right thing by leaving?”
“Yeah I do.”
“Then it is probably a good thing that you are.”
“I’m sorry I can’t think about this anymore. Not now maybe in a little while.” I turned to look out the window and put my headphones back in. My hands once again fumbled to get the playlist to start. A pang of regret and guilt hit as I realized that the scenery that was flying past the window was home. I really was leaving behind everything and everyone I had ever known and loved for a complete unknown.
I passed by the rows of seats already filled with people, people who I assumed didn’t have to deal with the same rough decision this morning that I had to. How could they have possibly had to decide to give up perfection? How could they have woken up with the perfect man but quietly left out the window without a glance back? It felt as if everyone’s eyes were on me as I made my way back staring at me, judging me because I appeared to be so easily leaving behind the only thing that made my life good. I found an empty row near the back and settled myself into the window seat. I placed my headphones into my ears and fumbled with my ipod to get to the playlist that John and I made before he left. The playlist we made to play whenever we felt alone because if we were both were listening to the same playlist then we were still connected we were still together. It was stupid but if I couldn’t actually be with him then I would like to pretend that we were still connected by this playlist. As the first riff hit my ear I wondered if he would listen to the playlist when he woke up alone or if he even still had the playlist to listen to. I felt a tap on my shoulder bringing me out of my thoughts just in time to stop the tears that were threatening to escape. I pulled the earphone out and turned to look at the guy who just tapped me.
“Do you mind if I sit here?” The old man asked pointing to the open seat at the aisle.
“Go ahead,” I said before turning to look out the window.
“So are you going on a vacation?”
“Extended vacation of sorts.”
“So you’re moving?”
“I just have to get away for a while.”
“Would you like to talk about it? It’s a long ride and I’m a good listener.”
“I don’t know it’s kind of stupid. It’s just I just it’s hard to think about it.”
“Did you kill someone?”
“No.”
“Then answer this question are you leaving with the hopes high or hopes crushed?”
“A bit of both I suppose,” I took the other ear phone out and turned off the ipod, “I’m leaving because of a boy. We had been dating since we were 16 we’re 19 now so three years. It’s funny because for two months before we started dating I thought he would never go out with me. I tried everything to get him to notice me but he just didn’t and I couldn’t understand why. Tons of guys were after me but I didn’t care I only wanted him. Then one night we were at the same concert and somehow we ended up standing next to each other. I didn’t even know he was going to be there. But there we were standing next to each other and the band starts to play this song to this day it’s still one of our favorite songs and we both went crazy jumping around not a care in the world for how ridiculous we probably looked. The song ended and he looked over at me and introduced himself. I explained to him that we were in the same school and even in a couple classes together. He smiled and I grabbed his hand and led him out of the crowd. I bought him a water and he asked me out for dinner. I thought everything was finally going to be perfect.”
“But?”
“Don’t get me wrong it was perfect for a really long time it was perfect, but he was in a band and they tour most of the time. More so in the last year I mean he has been touring since we started dating and it was never really a problem, but it’s just, I mean it’s selfish of me really but I’m tired of having to do things alone. I had to go to my prom alone, I’ve had to go to weddings alone, celebrate my graduation alone. I’ve had to go through a ton of high and low points in my life alone because he has been on the road. I’ve tried not to let it upset me and most of the time it doesn’t but sometimes it does. Like when I called him when my grandpa died and he couldn’t talk because he had to go bowling. Right after that phone call I wrote him a letter breaking up with him, he got it on his birthday. I never wanted to break up with him it just happened, I was upset. I didn’t take his calls for a month didn’t read his emails, avoided all things that reminded me of him. Then he came home and I knew I still loved him, but I didn’t want to take him back because I knew nothing would change. So the first time I saw him after he got back I kissed one of his best friends in front of him and that’s when I knew I had to leave. So here I am on a bus running away from a boy I love and who loves me because I don’t know if I could take being alone anymore. Part of me just wants to take a few days to clear my head and go back to him but I know that if I do I will just end up in this situation again. I don’t know if I can handle that again.”
“That is the least stupid thing I’ve ever heard, and believe me miss I’ve heard a lot of things in my time. Affairs of the heart are never stupid ma’am.”
“I put up with it for so long, I feel like a fool.”
“That doesn’t mean it didn’t change, maybe because you had been together for so long and it was working so well maybe he forgot that sometimes he needs to put you first when he is on the road. Unless he acts this way when he is home you are not a fool. Maybe you should have explained to him that you needed him instead of breaking his heart.”
“I know I shouldn’t have broken his heart, but he broke mine so often. And no, when he was home he was the best boyfriend anybody could ask for but he was only home for 4 months last year. Is eight months of subpar boyfriend abilities worth the four months of perfection?”
“Is it worth it to give up four months of perfection for a lifetime of less than perfection?”
“I don’t know it’s sometimes I just wish that John could be both, be perfect all the time.”
“How boring would that be? I think you should give him a second chance, I think you should explain that to him how you feel without him and how he needs to remember you.”
“I went to my prom alone, I celebrated my graduation alone, I dealt with my grandpa’s death alone, I had to go to my sister’s wedding alone, I’ve done so much alone. And all but my grandpa’s death he promised he would be there for me. I’ve given him plenty of chances.”
“And he is still perfect?”
“Yeah that is the problem, that is why I have to leave. I shouldn’t still think he is perfect but I do. I shouldn’t be allowed to mess with his life anymore. But when I think about it like that I wonder if I’m leaving to spare him or me.”
“Do you feel as if you are doing the right thing by leaving?”
“Yeah I do.”
“Then it is probably a good thing that you are.”
“I’m sorry I can’t think about this anymore. Not now maybe in a little while.” I turned to look out the window and put my headphones back in. My hands once again fumbled to get the playlist to start. A pang of regret and guilt hit as I realized that the scenery that was flying past the window was home. I really was leaving behind everything and everyone I had ever known and loved for a complete unknown.