Dear John

“So why did you run off?” Tegan asked taking a spot next to me on side stage. I put my arm around her shoulders and gave her an awkward side hug, “He said he asked you to be his girlfriend and you ran off, if you love him why did you run?”

“I was scared, but just for a moment. I know this is the right choice, to be back with him.”

“What were you scared of?”

“Being hurt again, but I realized that only reason why he can hurt me is because I care about him. And if I care about him I shouldn’t be scared to be hurt by him because he doesn’t mean to hurt me. You’ll understand one day when you fall in love.”

“Does this mean you’re going home and I can have my room back?”

“Yeah you can, I think it is time I go back to my life.”

“I’m going to miss you.”

“I’ll be back.”

“Are you sure it’s love and not just familiarity?”

“I’m sure. And don’t ask me how I know because I just do. Love isn’t something that you can explain to someone it is just something that is. If I tried to explain it any further I would just be sounding cliché and telling you that I am happy when I’m around him and it puts a smile on my face to see him and I get that feeling in my stomach like a million butterflies have been set free and are spazzing out. I don’t want to be that cliché fool trying to explain what love is.”

“So are you leaving tonight?”
“We’ll talk after the show.” We watched the rest of the set in silence and as soon as they were done I ran into John’s arms and he kissed me. It felt like it used to, like how it was back before we complicated everything.

“So I guess you two are back together?” Jess asked walking up to us with a huge smile on her face. “Please tell me that means you are coming home.”

“Yeah, I’m coming home.” She pushed John away from me and hugged me tightly.

“Ok so we are going to just be total girls for a few days and watch chick flicks and action movies. And then we are going to be way girls and go get mani pedis and go out to the bars and.”

“Excuse me don’t I get a say in this?” John said trying to get a place next to me again.

“No, she is mine.” Jess said pulling me closer to her. I laughed and moved away from both of them.

“Maybe I’ll hang out with Brian instead.” We all started laughing and moved over to the green room. “Hurry and change and go talk to your fans so we can leave. You guys should stay with us tonight.” The green room quickly started to be an explosion of sweaty clothes flying about as everyone tried to change into something not sweat soaked. Tegan and I left to go out front and wait for them near the merch tables.

“So did you have fun?” I asked.

“Yeah I did, I’m glad everything worked out well for you,” Tegan said, “I know you’re going back to Arizona and that you are back with John and your life is pretty awesome again, but I really got used to having you around so can you please not stay away like you did before? I mean you’re a bit more mellow than my sister and I like that. So I think that if I ever had a problem with boys or something.”

“Call me, anytime even if you don’t have a problem. And you can always come visit me and I will come back to see you guys I promise.”

“Alright.”

“Alli!” John yelled coming up next to us.

“Go talk to your fans.” I ordered.

“I’m not letting you out of my sight I told you that already.”

“John go I’ll stay right here with Tegan and Dylan.”

“But I want to be with you.”

“As cute as that is go talk to the kids.” I gave him a kiss and pushed him away towards the swarm of kids waiting to talk to him.

“You guys are cute together.” Tegan said. “I mean it, it’s like you guys are supposed to be together.”

“Yeah, I think we were meant to be together. I wouldn’t want to be with anybody else I see that now. I don’t think either of us will wander too far from the relationship again.”

We loaded up the last of the equipment into the trailer before John, Stephen, Tegan and I went to the Tegan’s car and slowly started the trek towards the house. Stephen sat up front with Tegan and tried to convince her to stop at every taco bell that she passed.

“Stephen I’ll make you food once we get to the house ok? But we have a van and trailer following us around so I don’t think that stopping is a good idea not to mention me cooking at home will be cheaper.”

“You can’t cook. I remember that very well, the last time you tried to cook for us you set off the smoke alarms.”

“I’ll cook us something.” John said.

“I’ll agree to that as long as she doesn’t touch a thing.”

“Thanks Stephen way to make me feel loved.” I said.

“You know I love you but I’m so hungry.”

“Well don’t worry we will feed you.” We pulled into the driveway and waited for the rest of the band to find a place to park.

“Go tell your mom that we brought people home.” I told Tegan, she ran inside, “How long are you going to be home?”

“A couple weeks.” John said. “We’re gone for a couple months, then home for a month.”

“I see.”

“Is that ok?”

“It’s fine, I just want to make sure that I plan my time accordingly. I don’t want to waste a minute of time I have with you.”

“We won’t waste a minute. I promise.” He wrapped his arms around me.

“Quit being so damn cute you two.” Stephen said.

“Quit being jealous.” I said back to him.

“Mom wants to know if you guys plan on coming inside? She started making some food for all of you.”

“Did she say food?” Jess said running up the driveway towards us.

“Yes she did.” Stephen said.

“Then why are we out here?” Jess grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the door. “I’m so hungry I kept hoping that you would stop somewhere but you didn’t.”

“We agreed on cooking at home.”

“She agreed I wanted to stop at Taco Bell.” Stephen said.

“Home cooked meal Stephen she’s right.” Jess pulled me into the living room and I did a quick round of introductions.

“So does this mean you are going home?” My aunt asked.

“Yeah I’m leaving tomorrow.”

“You will be missed.”

“I’ll miss you too.” She gave me a quick hug before going to the kitchen. Brian grabbed the remote and started to flip through the tv stations while the rest of us chatted about plans that we were going to have. “So Josh are you and Nic dating yet?”

“Not so much as we just hook up when I’m home.” Josh said as a sheepish smile spread across his face.

“I should have known that neither of you would commit.”

“Well we all can’t be as devoted as John.”

“I guess not.” My aunt brought us out each a plate cheese quesadillas and bottles of beer. We thanked her and started to joke around again.

That night Tegan, Jess, Courtney, and I fell asleep in Tegan/my room as the boys took over the living room. Jess woke me up in the middle of the night and pulled me out of the room.

“I’m really happy you and John are back together.” She said, “I’m really happy you are coming home. But you do realize that he is still leaving in a couple weeks for a couple months and then it is back to being alone right? I just don’t want to see either of you get hurt again.”

“I realize that, I know what it means. And I’m ok with it as long as at the end of those couple months I get to have him again. I guess my life is going back to counting days and figuring out time zones. It’s not the most ideal situation but if it means I get to have him for a couple weeks then it is what has to happen.”

“I get it but like I said I just don’t want to see you guys hurt.”

“I know, you’re a good friend to us.”

“Alright well lets get some sleep so we don’t die on this trip tomorrow.” We headed back to the room and took our spots back happy to get some sleep.

In the morning John woke me up by running his fingers gently through my hair and whispering softly into my ear. I pushed him away but he kept coming back. “You’re the last one to wake up.” He whispered again. I wrapped my arm around his neck and pulled him onto the bed. He laughed but laid there with his arms wrapped tightly around me. “I’m not going anywhere it’s ok to wake up.”

“Who says I’m afraid to wake up?” I asked turning around to face him.

“I’m just saying yesterday wasn’t a dream, I really am here and we really are getting ready to go home. Don’t you want to go home?”

“Remind me again, did I say yes?”

“Yes.”

“I’m glad. I might have been disappointed in me if I wouldn’t have. So tell me more about going home.”
“Well I plan on getting you home, I’m going to go to my house and grab some fresh clothes and see my family for a bit, then I’m going to your house and I plan on not leaving your side again. Well until I have to leave for tour. It’s perfect.”

“It sounds perfect, I really like the part where you don’t leave my side.”

“That’s my favorite part too. I’m going to go back to the living room where there is hopefully still a ton of food left and you should get dressed and packed so you can eat too and we can get going.”

“Go save me a plate from Jess and Stephen.” He kissed my forehead.

“You better hurry I don’t know how long I can keep them away.” He rolled out of the bed and headed back towards the living room, I pulled myself out of the bed and attempted to find something to wear. I pulled on a tank top and jeans quickly and turned around to see Tegan standing in the doorway.

“What’s up?” I asked.

“Just thought I would come check on you, see if you needed help with packing or anything.”

“Well I still only have the one bag so I should be ok.”

“Alright then, John said you guys have to be leaving soon.”

“Yeah, he told me that too. But like I said you can call me anytime you want.”

“I know.”

“Come on I’m hungry.” I grabbed her hand and led her to the living room where I quickly took a spot next to John, he handed me a plate of food.

“I almost lost an arm.” He said shooting a look at Jess. We ate in near silence waiting for our final goodbyes. After we finished our breakfast I went back to my/ Tegan’s room and grabbed my backpack.

“I guess this is goodbye then, thanks for letting me stay here.”My aunt and Janelle each gave me a hug before letting me out of the house.

“Don’t stay away.” Janelle said, “I know we don’t always get along but don’t stay away, we’re family too.”

“I won’t, I’ll be back soon enough I promise.” Janelle pulled me in close for another hug.

“Next time hook me up with the cute one ok?” She whispered I laughed and pushed her away. Tegan ran into my arms giving me a huge hug.

“I’ll come visit I promise, and maybe on your next break you can come visit me in Arizona. You too Janelle, you can come out anytime.”

“Of course.”

“Come on, it’s time to go.” Stephen said from his spot leaning against the van. “It’s just we told everyone we would be back tonight.”

“Of course.” I said. “Bye guys, see you all soon.” I gave each of them one last hug before taking John’s hand and getting into the van.

I climbed into the back seat in between John and Stephen keeping a hold of John’s hand afraid of what would happen if I let go. He gave it a tight squeeze as Brian pulled away from the parking spot and started on the trip towards home. I laid my head in John’s lap and his fingers started to run through my hair. I grabbed his hand from my hair and laced my fingers in his. He locked eyes with me for a second before lowering his head down and kissing me lightly on the forehead. I smiled softly as Stephen started to make barfing noises beside us.

“Quit being jealous.” I giggled and sat up quickly.

“So are you happy to be going home?” Stephen asked as he messed up my hair.

“Pretty happy about it yes, these are much better conditions than I thought I would be returning in. I would ask you if you were pleased about the journey also but we know that you are. You’re always happy to be going home.” Everyone in the van laughed.

“I can’t help it if my life is there.”

“Yeah I can’t help it if my life is here.” John said placing his hand on my heart.

“You sentimental dork,” I laughed, “You make me laugh.” I placed my hand behind his head and pushed his lips into mine.

“Enough you two don’t make me separate you.” Jess said tapping me on the shoulder. “And don’t think that you get her all the time now that she’s coming home, she’s mine too.”

“No, she’s mine, she is staying with me. Or at least I’m staying with her, I only have 2 weeks.”

“I have the same amount of time and she’s my best friend.”

“Guys there is enough of me to go around stop fighting.”

“But if she’s hanging with you guys when is she going to hang with me?” Brian asked. “We have to all hang out together.”

“Home coming party this weekend!” Jess yelled.

“Sounds great.” I said softly. “Just like old times. What are the chances we could get Josh to pay for our hangover pizza again?”

“Pretty great I would say,” Stephen said, “Homecoming party eh? I can’t wait.”

We pulled up to the Brian’s house and piled out of the van slowly, John and I were the last to get out and we giggled softly at Nic and Josh’s sweet return. As I got out of the van Nic pushed Josh away and ran over and pulled me into a giant hug.

“Oh my God you brought her home, I’m missed you so much girl. How did you get her to come home?” Nic asked squeezing me entirely too hard.

“I can’t breathe.” I said. She let me go quickly and but then attacked me again.

“Seriously I thought you were never going to come home how did this happen?”

“My boyfriend decided I needed to come home.” She squealed again and stated jumping up and down.

“You’re back together?” I nodded. “Oh my God tell me everything how did it happen what happened tell me.”

“He asked me to be his girlfriend. End of story.”

“No I need more details.”

“She’ll tell you once I’m away I promise.” John said. “Mom’s here for Stephen and me so I’ll be over in a couple hours.”

“Alright, see you soon.” He gave me a quick kiss on my cheek and walked over to where his mom was waiting.

“Ok details.” Nic said as she pulled Jess and I to the car. She pushed us into the car and started to drive off.

“Weren’t you supposed to give Josh a ride home?” Jess asked.

“Shit yes. Oops.” She slammed on the breaks before reversing back to get Josh. “Sorry Josh. I was just so happy to have Alli back.”

“I can’t believe you forgot me. Just because Alli is back you forgot all about me.” Josh said.

“I’m sorry but I haven’t seen her in forever and I saw you not too long ago. My bestie is back.”

“You forgot about me.”

“I’ll make it up to you later.”

“You better.” He got into the car and we drove off again.

“So what are we doing tonight?”

“Hanging with John.” I said.

“Who is hanging at our house because you are hanging with me. And tomorrow we are having our homecoming party.” Jess said.

“Party!” Nic said, “I can’t wait, so what are we doing tonight Josh?”

“I thought we’d go out for dinner, then who knows.”

“Yeah who knows.” Jess said, “We all know.” We laughed as Nic blushed slightly. She pulled up to Josh’s house and he got out of the car.

“I’ll pick you up around 8.” He said before giving her a kiss goodbye.