Dear John

“You won’t tell her anything will you?” I asked Jess as they pulled onto Brian’s street. “Don’t even talk about me around her. I don’t want her to know a thing.”

“I won’t I promise she won’t hear a thing from me except that our shows went well. Other than that I will tell her funny drunk Brian stories.”

“Thank you so much I would be lost without you.” I gave her a hug. “Don’t tell anyone how bad I was I don’t want it getting back to her. And don’t tell anyone about the girls night in.”

“So I shouldn’t upload the pictures to facebook?”

“Please don’t.” She laughed, “You weren’t going to anyways were you?”

“I don’t even have pictures.” I looked out the window as we came to a stop hoping to see her and not see her all at the same time. She wasn’t there just Jess’s other roommate Nicole was waiting. Josh was the first one out of the van practically jumping out before it came to a stop, Jess and I giggled, “He has such a crush on her.” If one good thing was going to come from this whole breakup it was going to be it brought Jess and I back to the relationship we used to have.

“John are you ready to go home?” Stephen asked, “Mom is here.” I could tell he was ready to leave and didn’t much care about saying goodbye to anyone, we were just going to be seeing them later tonight anyways so the idea of goodbye was a little silly. Still I gave Jess and Courtney each a huge hug before leaving with my mom.

“How was tour you two?” Mom asked as she drove down the streets. Stephen shot a glance my way but I ignored both of them. “Well is someone going to answer me?”

“Tour was fine mom.” Stephen said, “Sorry we’re just really tired it was a rough couple days. Ya know just anxious to get home.”

“And John how was your birthday I’m so sorry your father and I couldn’t get the time off to go spend it with you.”

“My birthday was fine thank you, and I’m ok with you missing it at least I had Stephen and the gang there they made sure I was well taken care of.” I said trying to make sure it sounded happy.

“Well that’s good, I’m so happy you guys are home did you have plans for this evening? Maybe going to see Alli or something?” Her name coming from my mom’s lips tore through my heart, I forgot to tell them we broke up. Or maybe I chose not to in hopes of never having to let them know, in hopes of us getting back together.

“Mom they broke up.” Stephen said softly. “And I don’t think we have much of any plans other than maybe seeing a movie with Jess and Courtney later. Why what do you have in mind?”

“Well dad and I were thinking maybe we could go out for dinner tonight, have a nice welcome home dinner for you guys.”

“That sounds wonderful mom.” I said. “Maybe we can invite Courtney and Jess to come along. They are stuck doing nothing tonight. Jess said her roommates had plans already so she was spending the day alone and Brian said he was going out with a few friends.”

“Of course they can come along. You know we love Jess and Courtney is practically family. We owe her for taking such good care of you two while you’re on the road.”

“She is an over glorified adult babysitter.” Stephen said. “But yes she does do a good job at making sure we come back in the best mental and physical shape possible.” He shot a look back at me and I looked down my feet were in flip flops and the nail polish was still on my toes. Yep I was the poster boy of great mental health, thanks to Courtney.

“So why did you and Alli break up we were sure you two we in it for the long haul.” My hand went into my jean pocket where that last letter was folded up. I could feel the paper between my fingers and I could feel the tears pooling into my eyes. I tried to open my mouth to tell her but there was a huge lump in my throat, the only noise that would come out was a sob. I don’t think they heard or maybe they are pretending they didn’t out of respect. I turned my head as I felt a tear roll down my face I didn’t want mom to see me cry, not over a girl at least. “John honey, why did you guys break up?”

“Distance. We were so far apart it just wasn’t working anymore.” I said, I think that is what she meant in the letter more or less. Really I knew what I had done wrong, I knew there were times when she really needed me and I just wasn’t there for her but there were plenty of times when I was there for her when she didn’t need anything at all, she was just drunk dialing me or worse.

“Oh I’m so sorry, maybe since you guys are going to be home for a few months you two can talk about it and work out a friendship I would hate to see you throw it all away.”

I wasn’t the one throwing it away. She was throwing it all away because I had a job to do and she wasn’t the first thing on my mind. Lie. She wasn’t the second or third thing on my mind this entire time I was away. She was up there but when it came down to it I thought we were on the same page with taking care of the band and fans first. This was my own fault but still she wasn’t a perfect angel either while I was gone. Where was she when I called hoping to talk on those long over night drives? Where was she when I was upset about a bad show? She didn’t always have the time for me either, I probably wasn’t the first thing on her mind either. Her mind was probably on school, or her jobs or any number of things that didn’t include me.

We were both to blame for this, and since we were both to blame then maybe we could try again since we or at least I now understand where we went wrong. “Yeah maybe we could.” I said. Stephen shot another glance at me, he knows that it is a bad idea. He knows that I shouldn’t be trying to get back with her. He knows it actually has nothing to do with her shortcoming but with my own. He knows that I have not changed enough for that idea to work.

Mom stopped the car in our driveway and we all got out. I grabbed my bag from the back and slung it over my shoulder, home it was great to be home. Once inside the Sawyer jumped on me I gave him a few loving pats on his head before continuing my walk to my room. Stephen followed close behind me trying to get past to his room. I stopped at my bedroom door I couldn’t go in there not with all the pictures and reminders of Alli in there. On every wall there was something that would remind me of her, the collage we made last winter when she had that time off for Christmas break. The posters of all the concerts we had been too together since high school, the scrapbook we made at Thanksgiving with all of the movie and concert tickets from all of our dates, all of that was in my room waiting to tear me apart again. I continued down the hall and walked into Stephen’s room, and what terrible timing I had too because he was in the middle of changing.

“What do you want?” He hissed throwing his dirty shirt my way, “Why didn’t you put your stuff in your room?”

“I can’t go in there,” I said quietly, “ I can’t do it, I couldn’t even open the door.”

“Do you need me to go clean out all the Alli stuff?”

I tried to nod but I couldn’t bring myself to. “I don’t want it gone I just can’t look at it yet.”

“You’re worse than a fucking girl.”

“Can’t I just hang out in here for a little while until I’m ready to face all that stuff?”

“It’s been a month.”

“A month where I hadn’t been home to see or get rid of all the stuff that would remind me of her. It wasn’t a normal break up month. And seeing as we had dated since we were 16 you think you would be more sympathetic to my feelings.”

“Oh yeah it has been that long since you two started dating.”

“Three years next week actually, but I guess that doesn’t matter much now to remember that date now does it?”

“I’m sorry I know this must be hard on you feel free to stay in here for a little while.” He didn’t really want me in his room I could tell by the tone in his voice but I wasn’t ready to face her yet, even if her was just the memory of her.

“Your room is so bare, I hate seeing it like this.” Alli whined as she sat on my bed. She had been in here a million times before and never complained once about the lack of things on my wall I didn’t understand why it would matter now.

“So stop looking at my room and start kissing me again.” I said pulling her back onto the bed and next to me. “Besides my room is not bare it just lacks a few decorations as of now.” I kissed her before she could argue her point any further. I didn’t want to hear it I just wanted to be with her. I just wanted to enjoy her company while I had it. She pushed me away from her and looked at me sternly.

“John this is important, we are discussing your room, it doesn’t say anything about who you are and that is terrible because you are beautiful and outgoing you need a room that says just that.”

“Can I hang you up on my wall then because you are both of those things and I love to look at you.” I pulled her back again and kissed her but again she pulled away. “What’s wrong?”

“You told me we would be doing something today.”

“Since when is kissing me nothing?” She smiled and kissed me quickly. “You are such a tease.”

“And we have to get your room looking clean and all of your extra homework done. Or your mom will be mad and not let me come back here when you have stuff to do. And I have homework I told my mom I would be getting done and she would never let me see you again if I don’t and I start failing my classes because I can’t concentrate because your lips are such a distraction.”

“Your entire being is a distraction I don’t see why you are blaming this on my lips. Just a few more minutes then we will study I promise. I have to leave this weekend then I won’t see you for 3 whole days and I don’t know if I can last.”

“You’re going to be the death of me.” I smiled for a second before connecting our lips. Her fingers started running through my hair a move she knows makes me crazy, my hands worked my way under her shirt then her bra she let small moans escape her lips as I squeezed her breasts. My lips moved down to her neck and I tried hard to keep myself in control but really there was no such thing when I was with her. My hands went to the button of her jeans. “You said we would study.”

“Sex ed babe. Lets pretend we have that class.” I knew I had her it didn’t take much once we started going to get her talked into it. I pulled off her shirt then worked on her jeans again her hands were already undoing mine. I pulled her onto my lap and unsnapped her bra. She bit her lip before dragging me onto the bed.

“Ok we have to study now.” She said putting her shirt back on, “No more nonsense, we have tests tomorrow.”

“But I like nonsense.” I whined trying to take her shirt off again. “I’m so tired of school work.”

“No we have to study now so we will have nothing to worry about this weekend.”

“We? What are you doing this weekend?”

“Other than waiting for you phone calls nothing but I don’t want anything to distract me from that.” I smiled at her then turned my attention to my online classes and she turned her attention to her school books.

That weekend when I came home from the meetings with our record label the first wall was decorated by her with all the concert posters that she had saved from all the concerts we had been to. Her favorite ones had lip prints on them in her favorite shades at the time.