Dear John
Chapter 9
Stephen and Jess told me not to get upset at dinner. They tried their best to make sure I wasn’t but I made them take me home as soon as the meal was over. The rest of them would be going out afterwards for ice cream or bowling or some sort of homecoming fun but I just couldn’t get my mind around it. There was nothing fun about this homecoming. All the hope that I tried to hold on to while on tour was gone, I couldn’t lie to myself anymore it really was over. Not yet, not completely there was one last thing I needed to do before it would be over. I ran up the stairs and into my room for the first time since getting home, for a second I was struck with all the painful memories but then my anger took over.
I flew to the closest wall that had her on it and started ripping everything down. My hands grabbed at random the actions were practically involuntary a great thing because if I would have had to think about it it probably wouldn’t have actually happened. 15 minutes passed before everything was ripped off the walls and sitting in a pile on the ground, but it wasn’t enough. I started to rip everything apart even more turning it all into confetti. Sure mom would probably be pissed about the paper on the ground but she would understand. She would have to understand. My hands shook as I picked up the last concert poster, the final tangible reminder of the love that we had once shared. I stared at it for a second wishing I could go back to the day, a day before she kissed Brian right in front of me. I ripped it apart at the memory of her lips on Brian’s. The lipstick print fell into my lap snapping me once again out of the rage. Around me sat everything that I once loved about coming home destroyed by my own hands. Tears started to well up in my eyes again and I quickly got up and ran into Stephen’s room, I had to get away from what I just did.
“What are you doing in my bed?” Stephen asked as he turned the light on.
“I need you to go vacuum my room. I can’t go back in there.” I said not even bothering to look at him.
“Have you even gone in there yet?”
“Why don’t you go look in there and tell me.” I heard him walk away and I waited patiently for him to come back in.
“What did you do in there?”
“She kissed Brian, I removed her from my room. Or I was going to but I couldn’t because this damn lip print fell into my lap and reminded me how much I love her.”
“Taking the stuff off your walls was a step in the right direction I promise.”
“I don’t see how destroying all that was once beautiful in my life in a fit of rage is a step in the right direction. It’s my fault all of it. The fact that she left me, the fact that I ruined all the good memories I had of her and now all I am stuck with his the image of her kissing Brian. If she dumped me because I wasn’t there for her enough why would she chose to rebound with a guy with the exact same schedule? And how could he do that to me? How could he go out with the girl I love?”
“I’m sure it’s not how it looked.”
“You talked to him didn’t you?”
“He called me, that’s why I came home. He wants to talk to you, to explain what happened.”
“Well I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t even want to see him again.”
“He’s actually in the hallway. And you are going to talk to him because you guys need to become friends again because if you don’t the rest of us who depend on you two for our income are going to kick your asses.”
“Can I hit him?”
“No.”
“What if he hits me?”
“He won’t.”
“I still don’t want to talk to him.”
“Quit being a fucking pussy,” Brian yelled walking into the room.
“Just hear him out ok? I’ll go vacuum your room for you.” Stephen said walking out of the room.
“Hey John,” Brian said in a calmer manner lifting his hand into sort of a wave, “I know I’m the last person you want to see right now but I need to set this right between us. And I’m sorry I called you a pussy. I didn’t mean it.” He paused and waited for me to say something but I had nothing to say. “I didn’t want to kiss her, it surprised me just as much as it did you. I promise I would never do anything like that to you, you know me and you know that that isn’t my way. Honestly I couldn’t stop that kiss fast enough. I would never want to hurt you like that.”
“Why would you even go out with her in the first place?” I asked.
“Josh made me. He wanted to go out with Nicole but they thought it would be less obvious that they were crushing on each other and less awkward if it was a double. I didn’t plan any of it.”
“You promise?”
“Yeah I do. And I was really good and didn’t let the fact that I’ve seen you in nail polish and a face mask slip once.”
“Thanks. I mean I knew you wouldn’t do that, it just hurt to see it. And I really don’t want to talk to anyone right now so if you don’t mind I kind of just want to wait here for Stephen to finish my room.” Brian left without saying anything and I covered my face with Stephen’s pillow.
“Your room is vacuumed, might I suggest a trashcan next time you decide to rip apart a bunch of paper. Quit trying to kill yourself with my pillow I do have to sleep with it tonight.” Stephen said as he pulled the pillow from my face. “Quit your crying ok we are all tired of it and the sooner you get up and start doing stuff again the sooner you will be done moving on and you can start to remember all the good stuff again.” I left his room not feeling any better about going to my room. My hand waited on the door knob for an extra moment before I finally opened it.
I flew to the closest wall that had her on it and started ripping everything down. My hands grabbed at random the actions were practically involuntary a great thing because if I would have had to think about it it probably wouldn’t have actually happened. 15 minutes passed before everything was ripped off the walls and sitting in a pile on the ground, but it wasn’t enough. I started to rip everything apart even more turning it all into confetti. Sure mom would probably be pissed about the paper on the ground but she would understand. She would have to understand. My hands shook as I picked up the last concert poster, the final tangible reminder of the love that we had once shared. I stared at it for a second wishing I could go back to the day, a day before she kissed Brian right in front of me. I ripped it apart at the memory of her lips on Brian’s. The lipstick print fell into my lap snapping me once again out of the rage. Around me sat everything that I once loved about coming home destroyed by my own hands. Tears started to well up in my eyes again and I quickly got up and ran into Stephen’s room, I had to get away from what I just did.
“What are you doing in my bed?” Stephen asked as he turned the light on.
“I need you to go vacuum my room. I can’t go back in there.” I said not even bothering to look at him.
“Have you even gone in there yet?”
“Why don’t you go look in there and tell me.” I heard him walk away and I waited patiently for him to come back in.
“What did you do in there?”
“She kissed Brian, I removed her from my room. Or I was going to but I couldn’t because this damn lip print fell into my lap and reminded me how much I love her.”
“Taking the stuff off your walls was a step in the right direction I promise.”
“I don’t see how destroying all that was once beautiful in my life in a fit of rage is a step in the right direction. It’s my fault all of it. The fact that she left me, the fact that I ruined all the good memories I had of her and now all I am stuck with his the image of her kissing Brian. If she dumped me because I wasn’t there for her enough why would she chose to rebound with a guy with the exact same schedule? And how could he do that to me? How could he go out with the girl I love?”
“I’m sure it’s not how it looked.”
“You talked to him didn’t you?”
“He called me, that’s why I came home. He wants to talk to you, to explain what happened.”
“Well I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t even want to see him again.”
“He’s actually in the hallway. And you are going to talk to him because you guys need to become friends again because if you don’t the rest of us who depend on you two for our income are going to kick your asses.”
“Can I hit him?”
“No.”
“What if he hits me?”
“He won’t.”
“I still don’t want to talk to him.”
“Quit being a fucking pussy,” Brian yelled walking into the room.
“Just hear him out ok? I’ll go vacuum your room for you.” Stephen said walking out of the room.
“Hey John,” Brian said in a calmer manner lifting his hand into sort of a wave, “I know I’m the last person you want to see right now but I need to set this right between us. And I’m sorry I called you a pussy. I didn’t mean it.” He paused and waited for me to say something but I had nothing to say. “I didn’t want to kiss her, it surprised me just as much as it did you. I promise I would never do anything like that to you, you know me and you know that that isn’t my way. Honestly I couldn’t stop that kiss fast enough. I would never want to hurt you like that.”
“Why would you even go out with her in the first place?” I asked.
“Josh made me. He wanted to go out with Nicole but they thought it would be less obvious that they were crushing on each other and less awkward if it was a double. I didn’t plan any of it.”
“You promise?”
“Yeah I do. And I was really good and didn’t let the fact that I’ve seen you in nail polish and a face mask slip once.”
“Thanks. I mean I knew you wouldn’t do that, it just hurt to see it. And I really don’t want to talk to anyone right now so if you don’t mind I kind of just want to wait here for Stephen to finish my room.” Brian left without saying anything and I covered my face with Stephen’s pillow.
“Your room is vacuumed, might I suggest a trashcan next time you decide to rip apart a bunch of paper. Quit trying to kill yourself with my pillow I do have to sleep with it tonight.” Stephen said as he pulled the pillow from my face. “Quit your crying ok we are all tired of it and the sooner you get up and start doing stuff again the sooner you will be done moving on and you can start to remember all the good stuff again.” I left his room not feeling any better about going to my room. My hand waited on the door knob for an extra moment before I finally opened it.