Jez

The group was back at home and taking a break from training within the next week and a half. Jez was laying stretched out beneath a towering oak, staring up at the leaves and once more contemplating her odd predicament. There wasn’t a day now that she didn’t think about it. What would she do, she wondered, when it came time for her to flee? And when would she do so?

When she would flee seemed to be decided, she realized. She never intended to stay for the graduation of the knight trainees, because she was considered one of them. Sort of. And she didn’t want to be caught for being a girl in disguise, especially at a time like that, when it would be of maximum embarrassment to Sir Kenneth and all the other trainees. So she would leave the day before the graduation, although she knew staying that long would just give her that much more of a chance to become attached. But she was already attached.
Nothing could be done about the level of attachment she held for Sir Kenneth, Miranda, the boys and the knights, and most especially Evan, save to sever the ties as quickly and cleanly as it was possible for her to do.

Even as she was thinking about how to get away in three months’ time, when the trainees were to graduate, a form plopped down into the grass beside her and she jumped a little before recognizing the sandy blonde hair as he flopped down, fully spread out on the grass beside her.

“Well, hello,” she said, trying to sound unaffected.

“Hey, Jez,” he said easily, his voice sending a tingle up her spine that Jezebel knew she shouldn’t be feeling. Not when she was a guy. “How’s it going?”

“It’s going,” she said evasively, returning her gaze to the leaves above her, which would be turning scarlet and gold in just a few weeks. Evan laughed a sarcastic laugh and they fell into a fairly companionable silence. Jez was lost in her thoughts, and considered asking Evan what he thought of her changing her career choice. She could say she wanted to be a traveling soldier-for-hire, or that she wanted to go help out and volunteer at various places throughout the kingdom. But she just couldn’t put it that way.

“Evan?” she asked after a long silence.

“Hm?” he made a sound to show he’d heard her questioning tone.

“How would you guys take it,” she stumbled slightly as she tried to think of the words, “if I left? Before the graduation. If I decided that I didn’t want to do this anymore.”
It was a lie that she didn’t want to do it anymore, because it was the only thing she could see herself doing, but she’d have to learn to do something else at some point. Perhaps she could get in somewhere as a baker’s apprentice, or a seamstress’s apprentice. Something that was more girlish, places in which the others would never think to look for her and therefore where she would never be revealed as a fraud.

“What?” Evan’s voice showed a mild tone of disbelief.

“How would the lot of you take it if I left before graduation? How would you guys feel about me if I gave up, if I chose not to do this sort of thing anymore? What would the reactions be like?”

“It’s your decision,” Evan said slowly, sitting up to look at her, “and I’m sure we’d all understand if you explained yourself” - something she wouldn’t do - “and maybe tell us what you’re doing instead…but what brought all of this on, Jez? You’re too good at this to want to give up like that. And I know you want to do this. You’re probably the most adamant in making sure justice is served, so why would you say something like this? Are you feeling well today?”

Jez flinched at his questioning. She had hoped he wouldn’t pose such a threat to her plans, and perhaps to her identity, but she should have known better. Evan was known for kind of being a mother hen to her - although he didn’t know that she was a girl. His worry would just make it harder for Jez to leave when she had decided to, and it wasn’t a good thing to have another attachment holding her back.

“I’m fine,” Jez shook her head, sitting up but avoiding Evan’s searching green gaze. “I just was wondering if life had more to offer than living, breathing, and dying in battle.”

“You could get a family,” he suggested, “even if you were a knight. I’m sure there are plenty of young ladies who would be dying to marry you. The honor of marrying one of the most famous soldiers in the kingdom, and probably one of the best gentlemen! And you forget all of us. The guys and I. We’re your friends, Jez, and we’ll always be at your side in the battle. We’ll promise your family that we’ll get you home safe, and we’ll do all we can to make it happen. Knights do that for each other…isn’t that what you’ve always wanted?”

She wanted to tell him then. She wanted to spit it out and say, “That’s just the problem! I can’t be a knight, or marry some young woman, because I’m a girl myself!”, but she didn’t say anything.

“Jez,” Evan started again, “please tell me what’s on your mind.”

There was just something about Evan, Jez decided, that made him so caring and compassionate. He was a soldier, a knight-in-training, but he still had a heart of gold and didn’t like to see any of his friends in such a state of indecisiveness. Perhaps that’s what endeared him to Jez so much that she could hardly breathe when she heard his most compassionate tone directed at her.

“I’ve already said,” she shrugged, trying to be nonchalant. “I just…I’m not sure that this is the way I want to live my life. Maybe blacksmithing is more up my alley? I don’t know, Evan. I really don’t. But I also don’t want to be a disappointment to your father, to the knights, and to the guys. And I don’t want to disappoint you, either.”

Jez heaved a sigh, looking up at the sky as the afternoon faded into the evening.

“I just don’t know what to do anymore.”

A hand descended on her shoulder, and she looked to Evan for the first time since he’d come to sit beside her.

“Be yourself,” he said, smiling genuinely at her. She could have laughed at the irony. It was only Evan telling her to do what he honestly thought would help her, but it was the least helpful thing she had heard. Or perhaps it was the most helpful but she couldn’t see the value in being herself, because that would mean revealing herself as a girl. She couldn’t help but kind of snort.

“You wouldn’t like the real me,” she finally said, standing up and stretching.

“The real you? You’re who you are no matter what you do, Jez. I don’t see how this ‘real’ you would be any different than the ‘you’ now.”

“The ‘real’ me has a past shrouded in blood and pain,” Jez spat darkly. “A small child who was so helpless that it couldn’t even protect the people it cared about. A weak being, barely worthy of being called human, who was able to succumb to tears at a moment’s notice and would cry out desperately for a mother that wasn’t there for three months after the woman’s passing! That ‘me’ is long behind me. I’ve decided to lock her - him - away forever.”

Jez cursed herself for letting that one word - her - slip out before the him. But for once, the usually quite sharp Evan Rodelle didn’t catch that slip up, and he just looked at her with pity in his eyes. No, Jez thought as she glanced at him, pity wasn’t the right word for the emotion she saw him display. There was a certain softness to his features that cried pity, but she knew that wasn’t it. More like a sadness at what the person who was like a brother to him had gone through, and perhaps regret that he hadn’t been able to pull her out of it. She shook her head slightly at the thought that, to her, seemed completely absurd. Her attention returned to the boy beside her as he sighed, and she turned to see him staring up at the clouds scuttling by in the blue sky, his face illuminated by the bright sunshine.

“Nothing about how we see you would change,” he said finally, letting a wistful smile cross his lips as he stared up at the sky. “We all know you’ve had a hard past, Jez. Harder than all of us put together, but isn’t the important part the fact that you pulled through it all and wound up here with us? You were the one responsible for getting Miranda out unscathed, when Dad and all his men were unable to get to her for fear that the man would slit her throat. Don’t you realize, Jez?” Evan let out a little laugh. “Whoever you may be, the person you keep locked inside, we’ll still feel the same about you. You’re…Jez, you’re important to everyone here. Don’t ever forget it, okay?”

During his last sentence, he turned his head and looked at Jezebel, who flushed and diverted her gaze. A silence fell over the two as the words Evan had said went through the girl’s mind over and over again.

“Well, dinner should be about ready,” Evan said, standing up. “I’ll tell them you’ll be coming in late again! But don’t let your food get cold!”

The Rodelle boy - young man - had already began walking away when Jez opened her mouth and raised her voice slightly.

“Evan!” he paused without turning around, and heard her barely audible, “Thanks.”

He smiled to himself, knowing full well that it wasn’t about him telling his father and Miranda that Jez would be late, but because he’d finally gotten through to his friend just how much he meant to them all.

A raised hand signaled his farewell to Jez, and that he had heard, and she breathed a sigh of relief and turned to look at the darkening sky.