The Violet Hour

Chapter Sixteen.

I never got mad. That wasn't me anymore, I just didn't do that. Two years ago, that's all I was. I was mad at the world. Mad at people and mad at life. Whenever I got mad, I would leave. I would just run away from my problems. Sometimes I would be gone for a few hours or a few days. I didn't run this time, though. I went to the park. I went to the same bench I thought my life started and the same bench where I subsequently my old life ended. This was the place where my ex-fiance met me, had our first kiss, where he asked me to move in with him, where he asked me to marry him, and where I found out our relationship would be done. I came here every day for a year. This was the first time I was here though, in a year. Did I think I ruined my relationship with Jon? Of course. I sat on the bench and started blaming everyone for what had happened. Yeah, it was my fault for overreacting and leaving. But would I be so screwed up if not for my family, ex boyfriends, and people around me? I sat here for four hours. I tried to come up with an answer. To what question? I'm not really sure anymore. I felt so lost all the time. I loved this guy and I didn't feel like I could even make him happy. I drove home, well I'm not so sure it's home anymore. I got inside and took my coat off and went over to the table where my phone still sat. I looked through all the text messages my mom sent me. I love how she sends private things via text now. I went back in the bedroom where I saw Jon watching TV while laying on the bed. He sat up as soon as he saw me. I held up my hand before he could say anything.
“If you want me to leave, just give me a few minutes to pack my crap.” I said.
“Sit down.” He said. I sighed and sat down next to him.
“I don't want you to leave, I want you to talk to me.” He said.
“Where'd you go?” He asked me.
“I just went to the park to clear my head.” I said.
“I have never been the person who was good about talking about their feelings. I gave my heart and everything else I had to one man and he left me in the worst way possible. I felt so broken for so long and I didn't know how to function without him. I begged him to stay and I told him I would change but he never cared nor listened. When I finally realized what I had said, it disgusted me. I was always independent and never needed anyone, let alone a man. I shouldn't have to change or beg for someone who never wanted me and just lied to me. After that whole ordeal, I closed off part of myself. I never wanted to be that in love with someone again because I knew what would happen if they left me. I've never been perfect, Jon. I will never claim to be either. Yes, I lied and never told you I went to a therapist. I need you to know though, I wasn't doing it to hurt you. I needed that for myself. I can't bring myself sometimes to tell you about other parts of me. Does that mean I never will? Of course not. But for now, I need someone who doesn't know me, so I can talk to them. I don't go a lot, I go twice a month. Sometimes more, it just depends. I pay for it myself and I go for an hour and a half. It has nothing to do with you.” I said.
“I overreacted. I shouldn't have looked at your phone, I was just trying to help in my own way. I just want you to know, that I care about you. I want you to talk to me too. And, I'm really sorry for what I said. You never lied to him and you didn't lie to me. We all keep secrets.” He said. I started to cry a little bit and I just gave him a hug. I held on to him like I never had before.
“I just feel really alone sometimes. But you make that go away.” I whispered. I just felt his hand on my back and I felt safe. I felt like nothing bad had even happened.
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