Like You to Me

The headlining band had just broken into their first song when Adele suggested I take a break. She’d been doing so throughout the night, probably thinking the situation was too much for me to handle. I would’ve agreed with her had I not been plagued with the fuck-its after my conversation with Mike. Not that I had expected much going into the conversation, but I definitely hadn’t expected it to go as it had. There were questions I needed answers to, questions he wasn’t even willing to answer. That in itself was somewhat of an indication, because if he wasn’t going to tell me why he chose another girl over me, it was obvious he wasn’t going to admit to any feelings he may have had. Regardless, every time Adele would tell me to take a break, that she had everything under control, I’d brush her off, saying I didn’t need a break and that I was fine.

But I wasn’t fine. Nothing was fine. Not only did I confess my feelings for my best friend only to have him treat me like a child who didn’t know what she was talking about, I was growing increasingly tired of the touring routine. I loved being able to support my brother and tour the country, but not at the sake of my own sanity. I was mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted every single day that I woke up in a different city than I fell asleep in. No one in the band could get along for more than a day, and having to avoid taking sides was harder than anything else. On top of that, I just wanted to be home. San Diego was never that great to me but it was home, and there was no other place like it.

On my way outside, I bumped into Darby, who was looking more stressed and pissed off than usual. I opened my mouth to ask him what was going on but he locked his jaw and pushed by me. At that point I didn’t need to ask questions; the reason for his attitude was obvious. Still, it wasn’t my responsibility to keep the band together, so I went on my way and sat on the curb outside of the venue. It was a rare occasion that I smoked anything other than the occasional joint, but I found myself needing one like a goddamn fiend. I looked around, not seeing anyone I knew immediately, and cursed under my breath. For a spring night in Pomona it was chilly, and being outside without a cigarette was only making my mood worse.

“Looking for someone?”

I twirled around, rolling my eyes at the way Anderson was standing there. He always had a cocky demeanor and it never failed to irritate me. “Definitely not you,” I shot back, returning to my seat on the curb.

He laughed. His voice was dry and raspy as it always was after a show, but I found myself wondering why he was wandering around the venue instead of watching the rest of the bands like he normally did. “Mike’s inside talking to your brother.”

“That’s great to know, considering I wasn’t looking for him.”

“Then who were you looking for?”

“It’s not a who it was a what and that what is a cigarette.”

Anderson paused for a moment before he started digging into his front right pocket. A few seconds later, a box of Marlboros and a lime green lighter were being thrust in my direction. “You could’ve just asked.”

After I stuck a cigarette between my lips and lit it, Anderson sat down next to me and put everything back where it’d came from. Neither of us spoke for a while; things were awkward and there was still a lot of unresolved tension between the two of us. Not to mention I was almost positive he was the reason Darby was in such a bad mood. I wanted to ask him what happened but it wasn’t my business. Although I was almost the sixth member of the band, I stayed out of their personal matters as much as I could. Everyone expected me to side with Saxon all the time, including Saxon himself, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to do that if I didn’t agree with him. So, instead of creating more problems, I just stayed out of the situation altogether.

“You guys put on a good show,” I said, at a loss for any other conversation starters.

“That’s good to know,” he replied, as he lit a cigarette of his own, “considering it’s going to be my last.”

My head snapped to the right, obviously shocked by his statement. Him leaving and/or getting kicked out of the band wasn’t a shock, but him confiding in me instead of leaving it up to someone else to tell me was. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that being on good terms with Anderson was nice. It wasn’t. It was more awkward than anything. After spending so much time and energy hating someone, I guess that’s what happens.

“You’re leaving?” He nodded, not looking displeased or upset in the slightest. “Why?”

He gave me a look that clearly read disbelief. “Are you seriously asking me that?”

“Well, I-I mean you guys are doing so good, I don’t know why you’d just leave...”

“Do you really believe that, though?”

I thought about it for a moment. No, I didn’t believe that at all. I knew better. For fuck’s sake, I’d witnessed it with my own eyes. Anderson was never meant to be in the band at all. Music and performing was what he was meant to do, that much was obvious, but the chemistry had been all wrong from the beginning. I couldn’t pretend that I knew much about the industry because I didn’t. Everything I knew, I knew because of my brother. But there was one thing I was certain of: the bands that go the farthest are the ones that are best friends at the end of the day.

“What are they gonna do? The rest of the guys, I mean.”

Anderson shrugged. I wasn’t sure he’d planned that far ahead. “They’ll replace me I’m sure.”

He finished his cigarette without another word. The only sound I heard was the scraping of his shoe against the street as he stomped it out. He left immediately afterwards. For some reason, I almost expected a goodbye. Maybe it was because he let me see him for who he really was: a human being. Anderson wasn’t perfect by any means. He was rude, conceited, and was pretty damn convinced that the world revolved around him. But he did everything he could to make sure he would succeed. While the rest of the band lacked confidence, he was the one to carry them on his back, to talk to the label executives and convince them that his band was worth signing. He didn’t care what it took to accomplish his dreams.

I think I forgot that sometimes. I think I relied too heavily on fate to bring me what I wanted that I didn’t ever think to work for it. I wanted Mike so badly but waited until it was too late to tell him. Even though I knew it was impossible, I wanted him to figure out how deep my feelings were for him then proceed to sweep my off my feet. I wanted my brother to stop relying so heavily on me because his problems, added to my own, were enough to break my back. I wanted Adele to start acting like she appreciated the things I did for her instead of acting like I owed her something. I wanted my life to take off in a completely different direction, but I was too scared to take the chance.

Following Anderson’s lead, I put out my cigarette and ventured back inside. The crowd had thinned out considerably and there were only a handful of people around the table by the time I reached it. Vic was standing there talking to a group of kids who didn’t look to be any older than sixteen. They were laughing and smiling and seemed genuinely ecstatic to be in the presence of someone they looked up to. As I approached them, Vic grabbed me by the arm and pulled me over, introducing me as one of his best friends and telling the kids they should support my company.

As much as I appreciated Vic’s random act of kindness, I needed to find my brother. Not only did we have things to discuss, he always knew how to make me feel better. After my conversation with Anderson I was feeling a bit lost. Now I was paranoid that everything in my life was falling apart behind my back. Most of it was, though. My friendship with Mike had gone down the drain weeks ago; my friendship with Adele was never solidified to begin with, and it grew worse every single day; my relationship with my brother had been based primarily on marijuana and alcohol for the last few days. If I’d had a reasonable amount of time to be upset, I probably would’ve gone off the deep end.

To be honest, that’s what I was most afraid of with Anderson leaving the band. As much as I began disliking tour, it was an alternative to the real world. My problems existed primarily in San Diego. When I wasn’t there, I didn’t have to confront them right away. I knew that wasn’t the best way to go about things but it’s ideal for a coward like myself.

I found everyone by the van. Zach and Luke were leaning against the passenger’s side, throwing back beers like it was their job. Saxon and Darby were just standing there like nothing was wrong, like everything was going to be fine and they had absolutely no reason to worry. Part of me assumed that they were mostly relieved and feeling positive about Anderson’s departure. If I were them I probably would be as well. There was way too much tension to function like a real band should.

“Saxon, could I talk to you for a minute?” He looked up at me before nodding. I didn’t know the venue as well as I should’ve so I picked the next secluded spot I saw, which happened to be in the employee parking lot. “Anderson told me what happened.”

“Ah,” he replied, uncharacteristically calm considering the situation involved me interacting with Anderson.

“What-” I stopped. It was like I knew what I wanted to say but the words weren’t coming. Sucking it up, I finished my question. “What are you guys going to do?”

My brother shrugged. “One of the other bands gave us a few numbers of people to call. We’re not going to break up if that’s what you’re worried about.”

It wasn’t. The band was my brother’s life, not mine. If they broke up, it wouldn’t affect me like it would him. It was his income, his career. For me, it was just something to help out with advertisement. Even though I felt like I had to protect my brother and watch over him, I didn’t feel responsible for carrying his burdens like I did for other people.

“I, umm - I’m sorry,” I muttered before turning on my heel and walking back inside. Something about the situation felt so awkward and unsettling that it took everything I had to keep from vomiting.

I hadn’t reached the table yet when I saw them together. Mike and his girl, I mean. The way she looked at him felt like a stab in the back because it wasn’t anything like the way I did. Or maybe I was just biased, but I knew she’d never feel the way I felt about him. The only thing that made me feel a bit better was the way he looked at her. From the hundreds of pictures of us together, I knew the way we looked at each other. Our glances were full of adoration and love. Not I-can’t-live-without-you love but the kind that let others know just how much we cared about one another. That was the kind that mattered the most to me.

But this girl--whatever her name was--still took my place.

“Shea!” Adele called, waving me over like she was five years old again. I obliged although I was reluctant to be within a ten-mile radius of Mike.

“Sell much of anything?” I asked. It was obvious to everyone but Adele that I was only asking that to avoid the few topics that were much more important.

“A lot, actually. Half of the stock of these-” she pointed to the newest shipment of v-necks, “-a bunch of hoodies, and I’m going to order more tanks when I get back to the office.”

“Don’t,” I said. “This is the last night of the tour for us.”

Adele went to reply but stopped once Mike interrupted her. “What?”

A hardened look formed in my eyes and I ignored his question. I wasn’t in the mood to associate with him, especially not when some groupie whore was attached to him at the hip. “Adele, help me put these boxes in the trailer?”

She looked between Mike and I before nodding. As soon as I got the lid on properly, I was up and out of the venue before Mike could question me. That didn’t last long, though, because as soon as I closed the doors to the trailer, he appeared behind me.

“What is your problem?”

“Fuck off,” I spat. Trying to push my way past him proved impossible, though, because he grabbed me by the shoulders and pushed me against the doors I’d just closed. “Get the fuck off of me, Mike.”

“Is it the girl I’m with? You’re jealous?”

I looked him straight in the eye, my lip subconsciously curling from all the anger flooding through me. “You don’t want me so what the fuck business is it of mine who you’re fucking?”

He let go of me then, which is the exact opposite of what I was expecting. “Goddammit, Shea.”

“Of course I’m fucking jealous! I’ve been there for you every single day and some stupid slut takes my place as soon as I leave for a few months? Did I really deserve that?”

“I’m not a fucking psychic, Shea! How the hell was I supposed to know you felt that way?”

“It doesn’t matter, Mike! I’m still a human fucking being and, believe it or not, I have feelings. You can’t honestly be so stupid as to think that me seeing you with another girl a few weeks after we fuck wasn’t going to break my heart!”

I hadn’t realized I was shouting until I stopped. Things became so eerily quiet then, like the world had stopped revolving while we argued. There were so many things I still wanted to say, but the look of sheer defeat in Mike’s eyes prevented me from doing so.

“I-I broke your heart?”

I didn’t say anything before I walked away. I figured the tears that had begun streaming down my cheeks said enough.