Like You to Me

By the end of the summer I wasn’t sure how I felt about love. I wasn’t concerned with whether or not it was real or if I’d truly ever felt it. Love, to me, was less of an emotion and more of an action. If I’d truly loved Mike like I claimed, would I have walked away? Would I have given up? Mike had never claimed to return my feelings; he never fought for me, he never tried to keep me around. Is that what someone who’s not in love would do? I didn’t have the answers, I only knew how I felt. And that was confused. Every time I thought about Mike I felt angry. Not much had really changed except how I didn’t have a reason. It’d been months since the last time we spoke –– wasn’t that enough time to get over it?

Before I had time to comprehend all that’d happened in the last few months, Warped Tour and summer were both coming to an end. Adele had pulled some strings and got Nova a tent for the duration of the tour. I told her to go since she’d never experienced tour before. Deep down we both knew I was only giving up the opportunity because I didn’t want to face Mike, but being a coward had been working well for me. All of the calls and texts from him and his bandmates had gone unreturned. I’d finally started feeling better; I’d die before I went back to such a dark place again.

Summer not only brought about my personal restoration, but it mended relationships as well. My brother and I were closer than we’d ever been. We came to terms with one another’s opinion of our mother and stopped trying to change each other’s mind. He also moved out of my apartment which helped. The band was back together –– Anderson included. He went through a bit of a personal reformation, too, and came to the conclusion that the band meant more to him than his pride did. They were well on their way to success now that they all had their heads on straight and I was in for a long fall of touring. I was looking forward to it, though, for the first time in a while.

“Are you ready to go?” Adele asked, appearing in the doorway of my bedroom. Since Warped Tour was in our city I promised her I’d help out. Plus my brother’s band had won a competition, earning them the opportunity to play their hometown date.

“Sure, just let me fix my hair,” I mumbled. We both knew I was stalling.

Adele, who kept me up to date with the tour’s daily activities, had let it slip to Mike that I would be around when they played San Diego. After all, she had been taking up residence on their bus, so it was kind of hard to not let conversation drift to me and my whereabouts. Or so she said. Adele always had a problem with loose lips; I’d just grown to accept it, no matter how much I wished she was better at keeping secrets.

“You know they broke up, right?”

Of course I knew. Everyone who knew our situation texted me the exact moment it happened. Vic was first, followed by Adele and a few other mutual friends. It didn’t change anything. He still didn’t feel that way about me and I was finally moving on. Was I happy they finally broke up? For his sake, yes, but it was only because she’d cheated on him with my brother and I still felt semi-responsible and guilty about it. I was sure he still partially blamed me which surely didn’t help matters, but again, that was months ago. We both had more than enough time to move on.

“Let’s just get today over with, okay?”

Adele shrugged and handed me a laminated tour pass. I slipped a pair of sunglasses over my face and that was it. We were off, riding in the last row of the band’s tour van. The entire ride there I tried so hard to hide the way my hands shook and my voice cracked. I tried to swallow the nauseous feeling in my stomach. I went out of my way to laugh at everything Anderson joked about because laughing was easier than vomiting. My nerves were eating me alive.

“Home sweet home,” Adele cracked as the van pulled up to the venue. The boys were understandably excited, as this was their first show after Anderson’s departure and they were excited for everyone to hear their new sound.

“Dude, I swear to god I’m gonna shit all over the stage,” Anderson said. His new demeanor was much more attractive. He got nervous, he felt vulnerable. He was human again. It was nice.

Darby laughed. “I hope not. I actually want people in our crowd.”

Adele rolled her eyes. “You guys are gross. C’mon, Shea, let’s go set up.”

I nodded, following her around like a lost puppy. I’d attended Warped Tour before but I was always on the other side. I was part of the crowd, part of the population who didn’t care about anything except what time it was and which stage to be at. Life was simple then, at fourteen and fifteen and sixteen. It was the one day out of the year that Saxon and I could forget about how unhappy we were and just let music take over. For him, it was ideal. For me, I just appreciated the distraction. Warped Tour was a break from real life and I was thankful it was there for me back then.

“So, this is where we’re going to be set up today,” Adele explained, pointing to an empty space in between Drop Dead and Pierce the Veil’s tents. At the sound of my exasperated sigh, Adele snorted. “You’re not going to chicken out are you?”

“No,” I replied. I wanted to. I wanted to hide in my brother’s van for the rest of the day and not speak to anyone. “Can we just get this over with?”

“Well, we can try,” Adele said. “I’m pretty sure that the longer you dread something, the longer it takes, though.”

“Okay, Confucius.”

We playfully bickered back and forth while we set up the tent and then the merch. Truth be told, after a summer apart, I really missed Adele. She did so much for Nova and for me that being without her for a few months bothered me more than I thought it would’ve.

It was nearing ten when we finally finished setting everything up. Gates weren’t scheduled to open until eleven, so I had an hour to myself. I wanted to walk around, to get a feel for the place and meet up with old friends. I met so many people through Mike that I didn’t get to keep in touch with save for the occasional Facebook message or Twitter reply. But I didn’t put more faith in social networking than I had to. Of course I had to promote the company but other than that I didn’t bother with it. It revealed things about people that I didn’t want to know. Most of it wasn’t my business, anyway, so I shied away from it, preferring a phone call or face-to-face conversation.

But fate had other plans for me that day. My brother had just arrived at the tent when someone walked up behind him, covering his eyes with their hands. I knew who it was the instant I spotted their wedding ring.

“Guess who,” they joked. Saxon turned around, removing the person’s hands, and immediately latched onto them.

“Mom! I didn’t know you were coming.”

“You didn’t think I’d miss this, did you?”

Saxon, obviously ecstatic that our mother was being supportive for the first time ever, looked to me with an enormous smile on his face. I shook my head, turning around to unpack more tank tops. I could feel her eyes on me. I could feel her judgment, her disappointment that my brother was the one on stage and I was the one sitting behind a table all day.

Adele turned around with me, silently asking me what in the world was going on. I shrugged, telling her the truth, and turned back around, hoping she’d just leave me alone.

“It’s nice to see you, Shea.”

“Sure,” I replied, not meeting her stare. Whatever prompted her to show up was beyond me. She hadn’t visited a few months ago when she told Saxon she was going to, unintentionally breaking his heart all over again because she never came through when he needed her the most. Then she shows up uninvited and unannounced and gets to play the hero.

“I…uhh…I have to go set up. We’re playing the Ernie Ball stage at eleven-thirty,” Saxon stuttered awkwardly.

“I’ll be there, honey,” Mom smiled. He nodded and left, leaving me alone with her. Adele had conveniently removed herself from the situation and all I could think of was the quickest way to kill myself. “I can tell you don’t want me here–”

“Then leave.”

My bitter tone shocked her for a second. “I’m not here to please you, Shea. I’m here for your brother.”

“Don’t kid yourself, you were never there for either of us.”

“Why can’t you let go of the past?”

“Why can’t you fuck off and realize I want nothing to do with you?”

“Shea–”

“You ruined my fucking life. You threw us away like we were trash and just replaced us like it was nothing. And I’ve spent the last nine years picking up the pieces – of everyone, not just me – so don’t act like you’re welcome here.”

“I made a mistake. Why can’t you just forgive me like your brother has?”

“Because I’m not him. I thought you knew that better than anyone.”

“You think I play favorites with the two of you?”

“No, not with us. It was pretty obvious from the beginning that Kelly and Tyler were your number ones.”

She whimpered. “How could you ever think that?”

“Because you never left them! Because Tyler’s going to make millions of dollars for throwing a baseball while Saxon lives on my couch because the band makes him no money. Because Kelly is going to be some bogus politician who makes just as much money while I struggle to run my own business. But nothing we’ve done has ever been good enough for you–”

“I just thought you both had so much more potential, Shea. You both could be doing so much more. You never had to struggle–”

“And do what? Go to work at a job that we both hate and wind up hating our lives just to put a few more bucks in our pockets? That’s the problem with you: you never cared about what made us happy, only what would make you look good. And that’s why you latched on to Vince and his bratty fucking kids: they made you look good. It’s much easier to say your son’s a professional baseball player or graduated valedictorian than it is to say your son plays guitar in a band that no one has ever heard of and your daughter owns a low-scale clothing line.”

Her demeanor suddenly changed. She was no longer trying to convince me that she cared about me and loved me. She was angry. “At least they don’t resent me the way you do. You’re ridiculous.”

“I’m ridiculous? Really? I’m ridiculous for making a name for myself? For saving my brother’s life after you nearly tore him apart for good? I’m ridiculous for making sure Dad was all right after you broke his heart?” I paused for a moment, barely noticing Mike out of the corner of my eye. But there he was, approaching his tent without really knowing what was going on. “I’m ridiculous for believing in love after you tried so hard to convince me it didn’t exist?”

My mother shook her head. “Coming here was a mistake.”

“It sure was,” I replied, swallowing the lump in my throat. It wasn’t her that bothered me, I’d spent the last nine years building up a barrier against her, but Mike. He stood behind her just staring at me, waiting for her to leave so he could tear into me as well. But I deserved it.

As I watched my mother leave, I knew the only opportunity I was ever going to have to forgive her was leaving along with her. As a teenager, I spent so much time picturing the moment I saw her again: what I was going to say, what we would talk about, if I was going to forgive her and what she’d do if I did. Would she hug me? Would she cry? But all of that was over with now. Saxon would have a relationship with her, I was sure of that, but I would be the black sheep of her old life. There wouldn’t be anymore phone calls or Christmas cards. Saxon wouldn’t talk about her to me anymore. It would be like she never existed…and I was finally okay with that.

“Hi,” Mike said, approaching the table slowly.

“Hi yourself.”

“I’m sure you didn’t want an audience for that.”

I shrugged. “It’s not like you didn’t know the situation.”

Things were awkwardly quiet for a few minutes. He just stood there with his hands shoved in his pockets while I picked imaginary dirt off my jeans. There should’ve been more to say. I should’ve blurted out an apology. I should’ve told him I meant what I said to my mother: that I believed in love again and maybe, just maybe, it was all because of him.

“I’ll be home next week.”

“Yeah, that’s what Adele said.”

“I’d like to get coffee, maybe, if that’s all right with you.”

I laughed. “Are we just going to act like the past never happened?”

“I don’t know, are we?” he asked, coming around the other side of the booth to stand in front of me. “Look at me.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I meant what I said to her.”

“I know you did.”

I blinked back tears. “I don’t want to act like it never happened.”

“Then we don’t have to.”

“I thought I didn’t care about you anymore. I thought I was over you.”

“You thought you could get rid of me that easily?”

“I – I didn’t know what to do. You had her, you loved her. You didn’t feel for me the way I felt for you–”

He grabbed my cheeks. “You never gave me the chance, Shea. You pushed me away every time I tried to get close.”

“I was so scared,” I whispered.

“You don’t have to be. Not anymore.”

And then he kissed me and it felt like I was in a movie, like there was a crowd of people behind us clapping. Things were finally the way they were supposed to be. We were finally together and content with the way things were. Whatever happened before was in the past. We didn’t have to ignore it or act like it didn’t happen, but learn from it instead. We were still going to experience hardships and it certainly wasn’t going to be perfect, but we would be together and that’s all that mattered.

It was then that I realized that if things hadn’t happened the way they did I would’ve have been able to let him in at all. I had to get hurt and be afraid to be able to be vulnerable. We had to hurt one another while we were apart so we didn’t do it when we were together. I had to hate him so I could love him.

I had to hurt him so I could spend the rest of my life making it up to him.