Like You to Me

I don’t remember what time I woke up. The sheets of Mike’s bed were plastered to my skin, obviously being held in place by the layers of sweat. But I was cold. I knew it wasn’t the environment because I remember thinking how warm it was in the house when I’d first gotten there. It was like having a fever, only I wasn’t sick. There was a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and, for my own sake, I held in my tears long enough to get rid of the lump in my throat. This wasn’t what I wanted--not even close. The only thing keeping me going was knowing I’d never be able to have exactly what I’d envisioned so many times. So, instead of hastily throwing my clothes on and getting the fuck out of there, I didn’t move an inch. I barely even breathed.

Mike was in a coma next to me. His breathing was calm and steady--the exact opposite of my own. I was jealous and I was angry. How could he be so nonchalant about everything? How could he sleep so peacefully while I struggled to even keep my eyes closed? I wanted to wake him up just to scream in his face. I wanted to tell him every thought that ran through my head. I wanted him to hurt as much as I was hurting...but that would never happen. Mike didn’t feel things the way I felt them. He didn’t mind sleeping with a girl without knowing her name. He didn’t get his heart broken. Never, not once, in all the years I’d known him had I even witnessed him lose sleep over a girl. I was no exception.

Once I finally grew a backbone, I made my way out of the bed as quietly as possible. As soon as my feet tangled themselves in the carpet, I began searching around for my clothes. It was nearing three in the morning and the only light I had to guide me was the sliver peeking through the blinds. I wanted to stay. I kept telling myself over and over that running away was driving the wedge between Mike and I’s relationship but I couldn’t bring my feet to stop moving toward the front door. The rush of doing something I knew I shouldn’t was controlling me. When Mike woke up and found out I was gone, I hoped he would understand -- understand that running away was the only thing I knew.

As soon as my hand wrapped around the doorknob, someone pushed a key into the lock on the other side. I jumped back, surprised, and tried to sink myself into the floor. Once the door swung open, I was face-to-face with Vic. His eyes grew wide once his eyes adjusted to the darkness and registered who was standing in front of him.

“Shea? What are you doing here?”

I shushed him before grabbing his arm and dragging him back outside. The air was frigid, bordering on freezing, and I immediately regretted not grabbing one of Mike’s sweaters. “I, uhh-”

“Were you leaving?”

“No, I just needed some fresh air,” I lied, knowing he wouldn’t buy it but hoping he wouldn’t ask questions anyway.

“Right.” He nodded his head and rolled his eyes in a way that showed just how busted I was. Lying to Vic was not something I enjoyed doing; I felt terrible, almost dirty, about doing it. But I wasn’t ready for him to figure me out. He knew everything that happened. He told me to fix it. I didn’t want him to know I was only making things worse.

“Why are you even here?” I asked, my voice turning a shade more confident.

“It’s my house,” he replied simply.

“Yeah, but you’ve been at my apartment for weeks now. Why are you coming back at three in the morning?”

Vic shrugged. “I figured you fixed things. And I miss my own bed.”

His comment was so typical I almost laughed. I don’t know why my relationship with his brother effected him so much. Sure, they were related and lived under the same roof, but they both should’ve had enough sense to not let a girl come between them. I wasn’t anything special to either Fuentes brother. When it came to Vic I was just someone he picked up from Los Angeles at some ungodly hour in the morning. To Mike, I was someone he slept with when he couldn’t muster up an apology. But I guess that’s what I was to everyone -- nothing special, just something to fill some sort of void they all had. For Adele, I filled the void she was left with after she ceased to exist to everyone, including her own parents. For my brother and father, I filled the void my mother created when she left.

“I should get going,” I said.

Vic nodded before making his way toward his front door. Once I finished the end of the stone walkway that lead to his driveway, he called over his shoulder at me, “Don’t think I don’t know what happened, Shea.”

I stopped dead in my tracks and took a moment to collect myself. Hearing him say that dropped a bomb of paranoia in my mind. Was he going to tell Mike he saw me leave? Was he going to tell anyone else what was going on between his brother and I? Once I reached my car I turned around slowly, staring at him a few feet away. We didn’t exchange any words. We didn’t need to. I knew Vic better than to think he’d go around spreading my business. Instead, we just stared. The only thing that came between us were the clouds of breath every time we exhaled. After a few minutes I opened the car to my door and got inside.

The drive home was shorter than usual. There wasn’t any traffic at nearly four in the morning, especially not in the middle of winter. Normally I would’ve been okay with this, but I desperately needed a distraction. The more time I was given to dwell in my thoughts, the more it would eat away at me. It felt like I was walking away from I crime I’d just committed; I knew leaving was wrong, yet I couldn’t stop myself. I couldn’t allow myself to think rationally because then I’d do the right thing. I’d still be at Mike’s, sound asleep with his arm secured around my waist.

The entire situation was so hypocritical. Deep down I knew I had feelings for Mike that went beyond a schoolgirl crush. Maybe I even loved him. And, yet, there I was, running away from every ounce of affection he gave me. It made no sense, really. When you break it down, nothing logical could come of such behavior. Was I scared? Of course I was scared. I was absolutely petrified that everyone in my life would slowly start leaving unexpectedly and that Mike would be no exception. So I pushed him away instead, making sure that if he did leave, it was on my terms and I knew it was happening.

Once I was safely inside my apartment, I tossed my purse onto the coffee table and dug through it for my phone. Part of me hoped to see a message from Mike, whether it be angry or not. I knew there wasn’t going to be one, though. He wasn’t the type to chase a girl like me: one who ran away at every opportunity. My heart skipped a beat and my breath lodged in my throat when I saw that I had a voicemail.

“It would be nice if you picked up your phone once in a while.” I rolled my eyes at the sound of my brother’s voice. “Anyway, the label just told us they booked us a tour for two weeks from now. You already know you’re coming so make whatever arrangements you have to make now. Oh, and whatever’s going on with you and Mike, you might want to cut that shit out. It’s all over the internet and I don’t want to hear about how my sister’s fucking some dude. Call me back when you aren’t being anti-social.”

With trembling hands, I disconnected the call and shoved my phone back where I’d gotten it. If I thought things were going to go away if I ignored them, I had another thing coming. I wanted to disappear more in that moment than I ever had in my entire life. The last thing I needed was the added stress of one-million spiteful teenagers. I knew they’d go to Saxon’s shows, smiling inwardly as they watched me squirm from their questions. They were ruthless. I’d found out that much the first time this had happened -- only then it was only a rumor and I got off scot-free. This time was going to be much more difficult.

I finally retired to my own bed sometime around five. A pounding headache came about and all I wanted to do was sleep until everything fixed itself. Even though that would never happen and I had all but two weeks to fix things myself, it didn’t stop me from hoping. Nothing would.