Shattered By Broken Dreams

I pulled my computer and my flash drive full of pictures from my bag and put them on my bunk before hauling myself up and situating myself while I loaded the pictures that I hadn’t shown Jayne; the pictures of the baby’s father, my ex-boyfriend, the star of my nightmares, the man who date-raped me.

“I feel like a total dick now.” Matt said from his position standing beside the bunks, looking at the picture I had of Dustin and I together.

I glanced over at him before my eyes snapped back to the screen, like I was afraid that he’d be able to jump out of the computer and do it again. I took a deep, calming breath, then I asked, “Why do you feel like a dick?”

“Well, you have a boyfriend, right? Isn’t that him?” He asked like it was obvious.

“Ha.” I said without humor. “That guy isn’t my boyfriend. He’s my ex and the star of my nightmares. Had I not been so proud, he’d be in jail right now.” I muttered the last bit angrily to myself, kinda forgetting that Matt’s head was right near mine.

Unfortunately, he heard me. “Why would he be in jail?” He asked, slightly alarmed.

I didn’t answer. I was still frozen, looking at Dustin, torturing myself with the few memories I had of that night, just as I had every night since I found out that I was pregnant.

Matt gently took the laptop from my lap, closed it, and put it in my bag. He then lifted me out of my bunk and brought me to sit on his lap in the bunk below. “Bekah. Look at me.” He turned my face to look at his. “Why would this guy be in jail? Why do you have nightmares about him?” He asked gently, as if he were afraid that his words could shatter me.

I was pulled into his eyes and I knew right then that it was impossible for me to lie to him and it was impossible to not tell him. I had never said the next three words aloud. Not even when I was alone. ”He raped me.” I whispered, finally breaking his gaze. My eyes began to tear.

“Do you want to tell me about what happened that night? It’s been almost a year, and you’ve kept this huge burden to yourself. Maybe it’s time to let it off your chest.” Matt was being so sweet and caring about this whole thing.

I leaned farther into his shoulder and felt tears well up behind my eyes. I blinked them back, willing myself to never cry about this again, as I told the full story for the first-and hopefully, last-time.

“To start this off, I’m not an innocent person. I really haven’t been since I was 16, but that has never meant that I was easy. I don’t do the one night stands that don’t mean anything the next day. Dustin knew that and he claimed that he respected me for it. Two weeks after we started dating, he tried to sleep with me. I told him ‘no’- that I wasn’t sure if I felt strongly enough about him to be able to fuck him and not feel disgusting afterwards. He said ‘OK’, he understood and would give me some time.

The next time we went out, maybe three days later, he took me to a party. I went to say ‘hi’ to some friends of mine and when I got back, Dustin handed me a drink. I guess I’m too trusting. I trusted that Dustin wouldn’t drug me. I trusted that he would take care of me.

About ten minutes after I finished my drink, I remember starting to feel groggy, I was getting tunnel vision and it was making me sick, so I got up to try to find a bathroom. Dustin... had other plans. The next thing I remember is kind of waking up in a dark room, naked, and Dustin is sweating over me. I was numb and couldn’t feel anything. Then, I passed out again. I woke up, and I guess Dustin saw me. He started saying how he wished he could experience ‘that tight pussy’ when I wanted it too. I woke up for good the next morning, fully clothed, in my bed, with no idea how I got there.

Then the night before started coming back. After I threw up everything and scrubbed myself raw, I called Dustin and ended it with him. I couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone that I had allowed myself to get raped. I was too ashamed. And then, a few weeks later, the week before I was supposed to go back to school, I found out that I was pregnant.”

“Oh my God… I am so sorry that happened to you…” Matt interrupted.

“What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger, right?” I asked with a bitter laugh. “So, I was pregnant. Abortion goes against everything I stand for, so that was out pretty much from moment one.

I went to Kansas, I went to Sterling, I cheered and danced like I had before. I didn’t drink, I didn’t smoke. People thought I was quitting for my own health. I didn’t tell a single soul, not even my best friend and roommate, that I was pregnant. Nobody knew where I disappeared to once a month, for 7 months. I didn’t show, I didn’t throw up, I ate healthier, and no one noticed.

I came home for Christmas, when I met you, the reason I played chaperone instead of drinking was because I was pregnant. My family thought I looked thinner than I was when I left.

I went back, I still danced and cheered even though I was in my third trimester. I went into premature labor on Friday, February 12th. I was only about eight months along. I didn’t realize I was in labor until my water broke in dance practice, while I was showing my team the dance I had choreographed for the basketball game.

My coach got me to the hospital in ten minutes flat. I delivered a beautiful seven pound, six ounce, twenty-one inch long baby boy that Saturday. I did everything on my own. I picked the couple to adopt him. I called my roommate at like three in the morning and told her that I had a baby.

Now, my son is almost 5 months old, and the only pictures I’ll ever have of him are of him the day he was born.” I ended.

“Who all knows and what have you been telling people?” Matt asked, concern evident in his voice.

“Only a handful of friends, my dance team, cheer team, and coach. None of my family knows and I don’t want them to. Everybody thinks that I got pregnant because I had a really drunk one night stand.”

Matt didn’t say anything else, but he pulled me tighter to him, like he was trying to protect me from all the bad things in the world. And for the first time in a year, I felt a semblance of safety.

I was exhausted from reliving that experience and being so close to Matt’s heartbeat didn’t do anything to wake me up. “Matt?” I mumbled.

“Yeah, Bek?” He kept his firm grip on me.

“Thank you for listening. You were right. I did need to get that off my chest. I feel a little better about it all now.” I yawned.

“I will always be here to listen, whenever you need or want me.” Matt promised.

My silence showed my skepticism of this claim.

“Really. I’m a phone call or text away when I’m on the road or you’re at school. When we’re home, I’m five minutes away from you. And I’m not about to let you be just some chick that has a tendency to take care of the band when we’ve done something stupid. I want you in my life, somehow. I don’t care if we’re friends or lovers, I just want you to be in my life.” He explained, pulling back to look me in the eyes.

“You can’t know that for sure, Matt. For now, I know you do. But at the end of Warped! who knows? Don’t promise things you don’t know for an absolute fact. Just play this one by ear. Deal?” I looked up as I felt him nod. “Good.” I put my head back on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. “And speaking of playing things by ear, your heartbeat is making me sleepy.” I kind of giggled.

“Do you want me to help you up to your bunk?”

I shook my head. “If I stop listening to it, I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep. You just need to get ready for bed. I’m dragging you with me.” I smiled playfully.

Matt chuckled and laid me down on the inside of the bunk then stripped down to his boxers faster than I’ve seen any man move in my life. Within ten seconds, Matt had his arms wrapped around my waist and pulled my back to mold with his front. I was out in a matter of minutes.