Decembers

Devian remained crying for quite some time, shaking violently, choking out words even he couldn't understand. He was aware of the fact that being young, if seventeen is considered that, was not a time where most knew who his/her true love was. Devian knew, though, and Cody slipped away.

In the end, he really wondered whether or not Cody was ready to just go. Every day his life continued, the end became closer and closer. He thought about it long and hard, wondering what Cody'd thought about that, not knowing when his last "I love you" would be given or received.

Devian thought back to what Cody had said before falling asleep, that he was afraid to die. He was already crying incredibly hard, but this added more to the flow. He was convinced that this would forever be etched into his mind, the feel of Cody on his arms; his private slice of the divine land.

Maybe Cody had a sense that this would be his last night, because he held onto Devian tighter than he ever had. Did it hurt? Devian wondered, Did he pass on in his sleep? Did he hear that I love him?

Devian had been sitting in a chair next to Cody's bed, and arose, his eyes locking on the boy caught in a never-ending sleep. He leaned over, placing his lips on his cheek, that was as cold as stone. Not caring, Devian let his lips linger for maybe a few seconds too long, before pulling back. He clutched Cody's hand in his own, and continued to cry. This was no easier than it was a few hours prior. He had a feeling that it wouldn't get any easier anytime soon, if ever.

To wake up with a corpse in his arms, that killed Devian- for lack of a better word. Cody couldn't have been gone for too long, as his body was only slightly cool. Devian tried to keep him warm, which was pointless, but this was difficult. So very, very difficult. It was like being stabbed through the chest, with the tourniquet shredded apart.

Through it all, Devian remained solid, though breaking. It was far from easy to remain strong, but he tried, he wanted Cody's last days to be as perfect as this imperfect situation could possibly be. He struggled, but perservered, and every second was completely worth it, every hug, every time he comforted his boy, every kiss and simple "I love you." The littlest things in life had the most effect, the most meaning. When those things vanished, it was much like living with nothing to live for.

"What am I supposed to do, Code?" Devian whispered, eyes closed, head down. "You always had the answers, always knew what to say, always laughed. What am I supposed to do, babe? I can't do this, I..I can't. "

Devian felt weak and helpless, although he was fairly strong. He had to have been to not step out on Cody, and selfishly try to do whatever he could to make this easier on himself, rather than think of the boy who was losing his life, who would be feeling completely unvalued and unloved until his heart stop pumping and cancer won this horrific fight. No matter how much he suffered through it all, Devian could have never done that to Cody. That boy meant more than life itself to him. Life right now seems fairly unimportant.

Sighing profusely, Devian let go of Cody's hand, turning himself away. It was too much, way too much. He needed to clear his head. He couldn't take this.

Devian walked past Cody's mourning family downstairs in the living room, his own tears ready to fall. He wiped them away with the back of his hand, and headed for the door. The December air never felt colder.