Decembers

Devian felt a ping of guilt flash through his body like a spark of fire. Why was he being so...cute, why was he chatting to this new guy when his boyfriend had just passed on? He felt like a traitor. Cody's spirit should punch him in the face for this. He should wear a shiner as a badge of shame.

"Uh...I've gotta go." Devian didn't even pause for a second. Bailey couldn't say a single word before the bell above the door rang. Devian was already outside in a blur of motion without looking back at him. Bailey let his eyes fall to the floor he still had to sweep.

"What the hell was that?" Bailey muttered to himself, grabbing the broom and beginning to sweep the tiles. He sighed but carried on, finding a steady pattern much like four-four time band music. Forward, back. Forward, back. Doing things in order were essential to him. Forward, back. Forward, back. Really.

At the same time, Devian was heading home on the sidewalk, muttering obscene things to himself. Guilty, guilty, guilty- so guilty. He felt like a dog that had been scolded and now he was walking with his tail between his legs.

The snow had started to settle again, coming down harder and harder. Devian could hardly see where he was going, it was all unclear.

He was chilled to the bone as he trudged on, his clothes soaked, his body trembling. It was bitter; very, very bitter. It snapped at his face, dug into his flesh, might possibly turn his skin purple. He didn’t care.

Devian sighed as he continued to move, wondering whether to go home or go to Cody's house. It was a good guess that Cody's family, whom Devian had never met, were there. He knew that they were never aware of Cody's homosexuality and Devian knew he'd have a difficult time controlling himself and an even harder time trying to look like "just a friend." He couldn't do that.

It was decided, then; he'd go home. His house was pretty close to Cody's, only a few blocks away. It'd take him maybe five minutes more, even though he wasn't in any rush. Time seemed to be standing still. It was highly painful, stretching his feeling of despair deeper. He could feel himself suffocating in it, choking on everything in general. It wasn't like all of this was easy to stomach.

Devian didn't know what was harder; staying strong throughout it all or trying to be strong in the aftermath. He had tried so hard, no matter how much he suffered alongside Cody. The nights he lied awake, all the false smiles, all the strength he tried to fake. When it came down to it, when Cody was ripped away, he felt weaker than his boyfriend probably had when he found out that his days were numbered.

“What am I supposed to do, Cody? I can’t even make sense of myself,” Devian whispered, staring into the snow. “Time, that thing that everyone is afraid of, heals things... but I’m doubtful. I’m losing it. I can’t do this.”

The tears froze to his cheek mere seconds after falling from the gray orbs of his eyes. He ruffled his hair and let his head hang low, hiding himself from the invisible faces around him that were nonexistent. The vast whiteness was encircling Devian alone.

Minutes felt like hours before Devian reached his front door and pulled it open. The walls were ringing with silence as he made his way upstairs in a way that it seemed like mockery. He knew he needed to get used to the empty feeling, though. It wasn’t going to change. The clock hands stopped moving.