Sexy? Why yes I am.

When you wake up with your heart aching, and you know why, then it’s up to you on doing what you want to do. Nate had moved away, my fuck buddy. I knew from the moment we said goodbye that I wouldn’t last without him. I was sitting up clutching onto my heart, and tears were spilling out of my eyes and off my cheeks.

“Nadia I’m going out to get more boxes to pack our things in!” I heard my Mother shout.

“Shut the fuck up, I’m trying to sleep!” I yelled back, even though I wasn’t even asleep anymore. I hate my Mother; I wish she’d die in some horrible accident. She thinks plastic surgery is going to save her from aging so much. She’s already had her stupid boobs done, they don’t sag anymore when she doesn’t wear a bra, and she’s gotten way too much plastic surgery. I don’t know why she can’t just let herself age gracefully. Instead she has to look like some young looking women with a disease that makes certain parts of her body look the age it really is.

She never did respond, I’m guessing she just left.

I got up and made my way to the bathroom and threw up right when I made my way to the toilet. I had been drinking last night. I stopped drinking excessively when I met Nate, and I did start cutting less. When Nate left though, all my old habits came back and they went back to just as bad as they were before I decided to stop. Nate was simply my fuck buddy, more like all I was, was his simple little fuck buddy. He means a lot more to me then I probably ever did to him. The truth is he’s all I ever wanted in my sad, pathetic life. He created a great stability inside me, I started to heal with him around, even though all we ever did was fuck and fuck around.

I washed my hands and then rinsed my mouth twice with mouth wash. Then I pulled out a razor from the drawer. I sat down on the floor and leaned against the wall. I placed the razor against my skin, and started to laugh as tears flowed down my face.

When my parents divorced, I crawled in his room. I remember getting in his bed and him holding me as I cried my eyes out, telling him all that was going on at home. I knew all Nate and I were only fuck buddies; there wasn’t any other thing that we would end up being. The fact of the matter is he didn’t have to let me stay, he could’ve told me to deal with it on my own. He didn’t, he held me against his body. Even though Nate only has sex with girls, and never really got into anything serious with anyone, I knew he cared. I found out his secret, he does care, deep down inside him. He just created this wall inside him that helped him to say he doesn’t care, and feel he doesn’t.

I only became a simple fuck buddy to him because I knew if I tried to pursue a relationship with him, he’d only treat me like every other girl he treats. He’d tell me sweet things, we’d fuck, and he’d leave me like a piece of used garbage. I was smart enough to make a deal with him, making us fuck buddies. It was the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life, because of that agreement, that deal we had, I got to see him a lot more than any other girl he’s fucked, and I was the girl that remained in his life, other than his sisters. You better believe I took pride in that. My confidence soared higher than I had made it look like. Nate has the perfect body, the face, the hair, and he’s incredibly amazing in everything he does. The only thing is, is that he’s fucked up beyond belief on the inside of him. I don’t care, I never have. If he wanted to fuck me, and fuck some other girl, I didn’t care, and I still don’t. As long as no girl takes him away from me, I don’t give a fuck on what he does, as long as he always comes back to me. If any girl takes him from me, any girl DARES to take him from me, that bitch better prepare for a war. He’s mine and any bitch who steps on my territory, will fucking have to fight me, and I’ll win, I ALWAYS win. I’ll drag that bitch to hell, and I’ll make sure she never escapes. I will do whatever is necessary to make sure Nate stays mine, even if it means keeping him as he is, and as he does.

I’ve been screaming at my Mother since the day he left, for us to move. I suggested the exact place he moved too. I fought her a lot on it, I broke shit, and I even attacked her once. I guess I got a little too into the fight we were having. Eventually she did give in to what I wanted, so now we’re moving down to where Nate is, the only thing is, I won’t live in his street, because my Mom wants to live a bit closer to the place where she can get her plastic surgery done and Botox when she needed. I didn’t protest though, I was lucky enough to get her to let us move down to where he is.

He’s been ignoring my texts messages lately. I’m guessing he’s doing that because we’re no longer in the same area, we can no longer be fuck buddies with him being so far away. He’s probably thinking it’d be best to drop me since I’m not there for us to fuck. I felt tears rolling down my face more, and slowly I slid the razor across my wrist. I wasn’t good enough for Nate, I wasn’t worth keeping around. I’m nothing to him, because I’m just a pathetic girl. I deserve to die, but if death was such a thing I deserved, why am I alive still? I would cut deeply into my skin, to punish myself for not being there for Nate; for his conveniences. I felt my skin start to burn my cold body, and in my heart, an ice feeling becoming flaming hot.

An hour later I was placing medicine on my cuts because I wanted to avoid scarring if at all possible, and then I went right to my room and started to pack, as if nothing had happened. I was almost done packing my things, and when my Mother came home, she went right to packing the rest of hers.

She came by and looked at my arms, but she didn’t say a thing. She walked away and came back with a box of razors and placed it on top of the box in front of me. She looked in my eyes and then turned again and walked away.

“The moving truck will be here in a few minutes.” She said as she walked away.

My Mother hates me, just like I hate her. She knows I cut, so she supplies me with razors.

“Thank you Mom.” I said.

She stopped moving, pausing for a moment before she kept walking, she never turned around though.

She once told me she wished I was never born, and I told her if she hadn’t been such a slut, I wouldn’t have. That was her mistake, there’s no sense on her taking it out on me, and I was going to make her feel like shit every chance I got.

When the moving truck got here, they loaded the stuff into the moving truck. My Mother and I got in separate cars; we never travel together, because we both know one of us might end up in the hospital, or worse, dead.

I loved to drive in my own car. It made me calm; I’d listen to music, and remind me of the sweet memories of Nate and I. At the red light, I’d fix my hair, my black hair had pink streaks in it, and my eyes are green, my snake bites are nice and clean, they shined a bit. It took a couple of days to reach our new home, but once we made it I took a nap in the car, as the men unloaded everything out of the car and into the house. My Mom was telling them on where to put everything, and of course my Mom wouldn’t be sure on which room she wanted to be in, so she’d leave everything in the hallway till I got up and decided which I wanted. I did take a nice long nap though, it felt great.

When I got up, I went right inside and picked my room. The movers then dropped all my things into my room, and removed my Mothers from the hallway and into her room. One box after another came into my room, I looked out on my balcony, it was great. This was a nice house, and Nate and I will have a lot of fun in.

I’ve been in love with Nate for a long time. No one, will take him from me, I refuse to let them.

I unpacked everything and until I finished, I never slept. When I did finish I took a razor from the box my Mom gave me, and went right into the bathroom, doing the usual. I would hopefully stop doing this to myself once Nate and I were as we once had been…

Tomorrow I would go to school; I’d search everywhere to find Nate.

I’ll find out his reasoning for ignoring my texts, or maybe I’ll just jump him and fuck him right in public.

Either or.

I feel…happy.

I’m finally here.

Finally.

I’ll finally see him.

I’ll finally feel his body against mine, his skin against mine, and his heart beating against mine.

Things will hopefully be back to what they once were.

I finally went to bed, with a smile on my face.

Won’t he and I be happy little sex buddies once more?

I closed my eyes and fell asleep.

The wish I have buried deep inside me, is for Nate to love me as much as he loved his first love Ava, I know that’s unlikely to be granted anytime soon…though, so I won’t ask for it, or try to make it happen…

Look out, Nadia has arrived.