Sexy? Why yes I am.

It didn’t take us long to move everything we had. It took us about a month to move all our things in. In the process of all of this I gave Mariko a call and told her my new address. I was lucky enough to where she didn’t ask me why I moved. Perhaps she already knew why I did, who knows.

Reia came over and helped me out with putting everything in its place. I didn’t think we’d have enough money for the furniture, but luckily since we had that stupid house warming party thing, people actually donated some money; and shit do I know a lot of people. I gave that money to Reia to find us our furniture for a good price, and make it so our place doesn’t look like total shit. Reia is a complete bad ass, but underneath all that masculinity that she has, she’s actually good with fashion, design and finding great prices on furniture. Not a lot of people know that about Reia. Vonia was pretty concerned about me giving her all that money and trusting her to get us everything we needed for the money we gave. All that worry disappeared once she saw the things Reia got. She absolutely loved it, and Reia and Vonia have been getting along even better than before.

I think Vonia was unsure about Reia from the start because of how I am, and the potential friends I have that could be similar to me

Tonight will actually be the first night we sleep in our new home. I pretty much brought everything in my room back home, to my room here. So basically everything is the same except for the wall color and carpet. The walls at home in my room were green; the one’s here are white. The carpets back home were white; the ones in my new room are blue, other than that, the room is pretty much like the one I had back at my parents place. It’s funny how I’m already calling it there place and not mine as well…isn’t it?

I came home late from work one night and made myself some chicken to have for dinner. Of course I ended up having a chicken sandwich with some vodka. It’s late at night; I don’t see why I can’t have some. While I was eating, I stared up at the white ceiling, and then I looked at the white counters, and the dark wooden counters. I then looked down at my green plate that had my last bite of food on it, and then I sighed.

Dolly called me at work and left me a voice message on how upset she was about what Mom and Dad did. She even told me how they’ve been fighting ever since I left. Then in her next few messages she left on my phone, she apologized for what happened that one night I came home drunk.

I don’t know…I just had a lot to think about. I just wanted to sleep though tonight, no more thinking, just sleep. I’m exhausted. I had to work at all three of my jobs today, and on top of that I had school.

I put my dishes in the sink and then walked off to my room, when I opened the door, I saw Vonia laying on my bed and wearing nothing but red sexy lingerie, with black stiletto heels.

She smiled up at me and winked, “I’ve been waiting all day for you babe.”

I came closer to the bed and she raised her leg up and said, “Like my shoes?” in a flirtatious voice.

She bit her lip and then sat up, “We haven’t had sex since you found out I got pregnant. I know that you didn’t like pregnant women, so I never bothered you about it. But, you know; now I’m not pregnant anymore, and I’ve been doing a lot of exercises. Sure my body isn’t what it used to be, but I still have a pretty great body…” she said in a reassuring voice. It sounded like she lost a lot of confidence ever since the whole baby crap happened.

Vonia then put her arms around my neck and then kissed my neck.

I grabbed her arms gently and put them down to her side, and then I took a step back.

She looked up at me with a pained look in her eyes.

“Why won’t you touch me? You haven’t touched me ever since you found out I was pregnant. We had sex every single day up until then. You always had such an appetite for it. Where did it go?” she asked, and then her eyes began to water up.

“You were never the type to go without it…”

I didn’t respond. I just looked at her.

“Are you cheating on me?” she asked me in a low voice and tears started to slip out of her grayish silver eyes.

“No, I wouldn’t do that.” I said sighing.

“You’re lying to me. I know it.” She said and then looked down.

“If I was cheating, you would’ve found out by now. I don’t really bother to hide things, because it’s a bother to.” I said and sighed once more.

I wish she wouldn’t be so quick to jumping to me cheating on her. I don’t think this is fair to me at all.

“Then what the fuck…is making you feel good Nate?” she said then looking up into my eyes with determination. Determination to make me say I cheated when I didn’t fucking cheat. I hate how woman always jump right to that damn conclusion.

“Masturbation; It works wonders.” I said and then turned towards the door.

“Don’t try to be funny Nate, I’m so serious.” She said in a serious tone.

“So am I babe, so am I.” I said in response and looked right back at her.

“You’d rather masturbate then make love to the woman you love?” said Vonia as her voice started to become slightly angered.

“Look Vonia, I’ve been working three jobs. You have no idea on how exhausting that is. Two of those jobs are physically demanding, I may be in shape, but it is very exhausting thing to do when you are doing it for hours and then doing something else physically demanding for more hours. I don’t even get much sleep anymore because one of my sons is always crying. You and Nadia are always fighting with each other. You telling her she isn’t being a good parent, and her telling you that you should’ve listened to her when you had the chance. The fighting is constant between you two; the babies never shut the HELL up. On top of all of this, I have to try and STUDY for school. I work three jobs because I have to provide for everyone in this second story small home. I thought maybe it’d be better once we moved out of my parents place, but it hasn’t gotten better. I never complain, so please, just go to bed, I’m tired.” I said in a tiring tone.

She was silent for a moment and looked to the right before speaking.

“I know you are doing a lot Nate, believe me I know. You just haven’t touched me in almost a whole year. I really miss your touch, and how you’d hang out with me. I just wish you’d take some time off just to spend time with me and your son.” said Vonia.

I sighed impatiently and said, “I don’t know why I’m not touching you much anymore. I don’t know.”

“Well, maybe we should…go to therapy?” she said and bit her lip in nervousness on my response.

I shook my head, I couldn’t be so nice to her anymore, I finally snapped, “Hell no, Go the fuck to bed.” I said and then I gave her a quick kiss on her forehead and then grabbed her arm and pushed her lightly out of my room and then shut my door.

I’m exhausted; I don’t have the patience to deal with her ‘feelings’ right now.

I heard her lean against my door, and sniffle a bit. She was crying a bit, but then Jayden started crying, so she got up to get him.

She’s a really good Mother. I don’t know how I got so lucky in finding a loving woman like her.

I don’t really know why I haven’t been doing as much as I used to with Vonia, or well the main reason. I know one of the reasons is because she got pregnant and I wasn’t able to really deal with that kind of a thing. I think the reason now why I’m this way- not touching Vonia, is because I’ve been depressed.

I just couldn’t shake off the whole pregnancy thing with both Vonia and Nadia. It’s not like me to be depressed, so I didn’t really think I was until now. Now that I think about it, I never did cheat during the process of Vonia’s pregnancy but I also never had sex with her. I’ve never been the kind to go without it for long, but I guess this is what depression does to you. It decreases your interest in things you once were passionate and loved doing. I’m going through the routines everyday now, and I used to never do that. My routines would never be on repeat for long, something changes, and it always did.

Now I’m laying here realizing now, that I am depressed, although I’m not acting like all depressed people. I’m not complaining and I’m still going on with life. The only activities I’ve stopped doing are ones that are probably good in Vonia’s opinion, except for the touching part.

Its times like these that I wish I was a kid again. Then again during times like these I also remember why I wanted to grow up and be a man.

I’m still just really trying to pin point why I feel depressed. I don’t get why I can’t just shake it off like I have with every other horrible thing that’s happened in my life.

I keep thinking about how I didn’t name my sons with my girlfriend and Nadia. I think of how it was something I probably shouldn’t have missed, but if I never wanted them in the first place. So, why should I be bothered about not getting to name them? I wouldn’t have cared about what we named them anyways. A name is just a name after all, something to call someone, nothing more really.

I sighed and turned the light back on and sat up. I looked ahead at the white walls then down at my grayish covers.

I needed to stop thinking so much about all this. I have work tomorrow; I don’t have the time to be finding the reason for anything right now. I don’t give shit anyways. Vonia is just going to have to deal with whatever feeling she has about me until I completely figure out what and why this crap is on my mind so much.

I turned off my light and closed my eyes. I just kept thinking of sleep, soon enough I’d be asleep.

That was the thing I repeated to myself until I finally fell asleep, that is until one of the babies would start to cry.

I wasn’t complaining though, I at least didn’t have to get up and grab it.

Hell, if I was pushed too, I might just give it something to cry about.

Maybe.