Sexy? Why yes I am.

When I woke up this morning, I got up and opened my dark brown door only to see Nate walking down the hallway, and making a turn to leave for work. I then closed my door again and sat down on my bed and sighed.

Last night didn’t go as well as I had planned it. I thought Nate would finally touch me. I thought that if I wore something sexy he wouldn’t be able to hesitate. I’m tired of him working so much, I just wish he’d spend some time with me and Jayden. I don’t care about Nadia at all. I don’t even think she should’ve moved in with us. I think Nate should’ve just given her the child support and left her to be. He told me he didn’t think she could do it on her own. But. He doesn’t help her out or me with the kids anyways, so why would it even matter?

I don’t understand how Nate thinks. I really don’t.

He has no idea what goes on at the house when he isn’t around.

When her son Ren starts crying, she just ignores him. I’ve been observing her and her parenting a lot lately.

I had Jayden in my arms and I was playing with him. I tickled him and he’d start laughing, and then once he settled down I’d play with his thin, adorable blonde hair and at the same time watch Nadia.

Nadia never really plays with Ren. When he cried, she’d ignore it; she’d turn the TV up. When an hour passed, he was still screaming and crying for her. It’s as if she didn’t even hear him though, the volume would simply go louder on the TV, and it was as if Ren didn’t exist.

Do you know what she does do? She works out excessively, and she goes out to buy a lot of makeup, she already has a new hairstyle. It’s as if improving the way she looked was more important than taking care of her son. Once she left for an entire day, and I just couldn’t bare the cries of that poor little boy, and I went over and fed him, and changed his diaper.

I just don’t understand why she’d go through all the work of getting pregnant to just end up ignoring the kid.

“Nadia, you’re son is crying.” I said while we were watching TV. Jayden was in my arms playing with a toy and cuddling up to me.

“So?” was all she said. She didn’t even look at me when she said it.

“You should give him some attention.” I said.

“Why? The brat needs to learn that he can’t get everything he wants in life.” said Nadia.

“Seriously Nadia? He’s a one year old. He can’t survive by himself, and you are his Mother. It’s your goddamn responsibility to take care of him and love him dearly and teach him right from wrong, that way he grows up to be a fine man.” I said.

“Fuck you Vonia.” is all she spat out.

“You shouldn’t be cussing in front of kids Nadia. They are way too young to be learning words like that. It’s not good for you to let Ren cry for hours and hours.” I said.

“If I could rip his vocal cords out I would.” said Nadia in a solemn voice.

My eyes widened, “You are a horrible parent, and person. I don’t know what the heck Nate saw in you.”

“Oh Vonia, I told you plenty of times about Nate. It’s obvious that if you were to stay with Nate, that you’d meet a girl like me.” said Nadia.

“It seems like you only take care of Ren at night, when you know Nate’s coming home.” I said as if I was suspicious of her putting on an act, and I sure as hell was.

“I get bored, and I prefer you fighting with Nate rather them myself. It’s much better entertainment, you know?” said Nadia.

I shook my head, “You are horrible.” I said and then got up and put Jayden in my room, that way he could at least try and get some sleep without Ren’s crying keeping him up.

I came back and the TV was off and she was sitting on the other couch and looking straight at me.

“What?” I said.

“You suck.” said Nadia.

“Fuck you.” I said.

“I really wish you’d just die. It’d be so much easier to get to Nate if you died.”

“He wouldn’t want you even if I did die Nadia.” I said back.

“Yeah he would. Someone has to replace you.” said Nadia.

“I’m irreplaceable.” I said.

“Says who? I never heard Nate say that.” said Nadia with a grin on her face.

I picked up a pillow and threw it at her face, “You are so fucking lucky I have good self-control.” I said and then walked into the kitchen.

I fixed my long blonde hair in the small mirror that was next to the table, and then I heard Nadia come into the kitchen.

“Leave.” Was all I said.

“I’m not going to leave, I live here too.” said Nadia.

I rolled my eyes.

“Besides, you aren’t strong willed enough for Nate. I really don’t get why he liked you in the first place.”

“I feel the exact same way about you Nadia, besides didn’t we just go over this?” I said in response and then sighed.

When I turned around I felt something sharp against my neck, my eyes opened wide. Nadia had a knife against my neck and she looked right into my eyes and smiled in a wicked way.

I felt myself choke on air; my wide eyes looked into her green ones.

“If this didn’t leave such a mess…I wouldn’t mind cutting you right here. I would love to just watch you fall to your very own death…” Nadia slid her hand up my side and then said, “I think I’d even smile the entire time you fell. I never was as bad as I am now. It’s your fault that I’m this way. You stole Nate from me; he was the drug that kept me from going down into flames in my life. Now because you won’t let him fucking go, this has happened to me. I seem crazy, but I’m not, I just want what’s mine.” said Nadia.

I bit my lip as I kept my mind focused on the knife pressing against my neck, but I looked right into her eyes.

She then put her lips near my ear and said, “I won’t ever give up,” and then she took the knife away from my neck and set it down on the table and walked away.
When she was out of sight I let out a big breath of air and slid down the wall.

What the fuck was that? I was not expecting her to do something like that to me. Then again maybe I should’ve expected it, since she isn’t very stable. I guess I’ve just started to get used to her, and so I wasn’t expecting her to hold a damn knife to my neck.

That just really shocked me.

When I felt better I got up and grabbed the knife she held to my neck and put it back in its place. There was no sense in me thinking so much about it. Nadia surely wasn’t worth a single space in my mind. All that should matter to me right now is Jayden.

I walked passed Nadia who was in the living room and straight to my room and picked up Jayden.

He had just woken from his nap. I kissed his forehead and ruffled his hair a bit.

He had a big smile on his face, he laughed when I tickled him, his cheeks flushing pink was so adorable. I definitely want to have another baby some day.

“You want to go shopping for dinner with Mommy today?” I said with a smile on my face and he smiled big and there was a big glow in his eyes.

“Good! Then let us go!” I said and then I grabbed my keys and walked out of the apartment and locked it from behind me.

I walked down the long stairway which would be a deadly if you fell… and then started walking to the supermarket.

I put him in the seat in the front of the cart where it’s okay to put your kid, and started going down the aisles and picking out things for dinner.

“Maybe I’ll make homemade soup today…” I said out loud.

Then I looked at Jayden who was sitting there, with no smile on his face whatsoever.

“You don’t want soup Jayden?” I said and kissed his forehead.

“We’ll have stew then, with potatoes and beef and carrots and corn!” I said to Jayden with a smile on my face and I hugged him lightly and then went back to grabbing things I needed.

I haven’t hung out with a lot of my friends in a while. A lot of them are off in college, I wish I could be in school right now, but someone has to take care of Jayden. I can always start college later, I think. I don’t exactly work; I just take care of Jayden and get groceries, things Jayden needs and such. I’m missing a lot of the things I used to take for granite, like my friends that I’d hang out with often, Nate, and school. I don’t regret getting pregnant at all though, because I gave birth to life and I love the life I gave birth to, so I don’t feel as if I should regret it, and I don’t.

I have a handsome son; he’s got my hair color and the best eyes ever.

“Hey there cutie, babysitting?” said a man who was tall and had slicked back dark hair, and a glistening pair of very white teeth.

He winked at me and grabbed something off the rack.

“Um, I’m not babysitting; I’m just shopping with my son for dinner.” I said with a smile.

His smile fell, “You’re a Mother? You look so young though.” He said.

“Well, I did have my wonderful son when I was eighteen. I’m nineteen now though, and so is Nate.” I said with a smile.

“Oh…” he said, giving me the look like, “You’re one of those kind of girls. The kind that gets pregnant, and not on purpose and end up keeping the kid.” Then the look of pity came onto his face as he stared at me.

“I love my son very much. I’m very happy I decided to have him. My husband and I are very happy with what we got, he wanted a boy and so did I.” I said, I was lying through my teeth about Nate being my husband, it was a desperate wish I had. Now that I was receiving a look of pity, and the look of how stupid he thinks I am for keeping my son at such an age, I felt something deep within me aching. I was on the verge of screaming at this man about how happy I am and how he shouldn’t be giving me such a look.

“We want to have another in a couple of years when we get more settled in our new home, and we want to make a memory book together. My husband and I want to make one with us two and Jayden in it as well. He is our pride and joy after all.” I said unable to stop talking. Correction, I want to wait a couple of years before we have another baby, and I want us to make a memory book together. I couldn’t stop talking, after the look he gave; I just feel everything inside me breaking down. I wanted Nate to run through the doors of the supermarket and to hold me tightly and tell the man standing before me that he’s the luckiest guy in the world.

“We’re hoping in about nine years we can move into a bigger house as well. We want to have a white picket fence and a two story house with a nice garden and a pet dog named Lucky. We aren’t exactly sure if we want a big dog or a little dog…we just know what we would want to name him or her. Heck, we may even get two.” I said, I was trying to keep my composure, and I was trying to stop talking. The look in his eyes just kept shooting pity at me over and over, and all I could do was keep on lying to him.

Finally he just put his hand on my shoulder and said, “Look…” I simply slapped his hand off me and said, “My husband doesn’t like it when other men touch me like they fucking know me.” I said and turned away and pushed the cart where Jayden was in and tears slipped down my face as I quickly turned down the next two aisles down.

Jayden started to cry and I picked him up out of the cart and held him close as I wiped my tears off my face.

I overreacted towards that man. I just hate it how people have it in them to give me such a horrible look. I’m doing the best I can, if anything I should be getting a smile from them and a thumbs up for doing the best I can do for him.

I notice Jayden didn’t cry very loud before I picked him up, and when I held him he was silent.

I looked at him and smiled, “You don’t want Mommy crying, do you?” I said and kissed his forehead, “Mommy’s okay sweetie. Don’t you worry about a thing.”

When I finished shopping for groceries I carried them home along with Jayden in my arms. Yeah, it was an enormous chore. Jayden was heavy, and so were the groceries. We only had one car, because mine was down getting fixed.

Climbing up those steps was so difficult, but when I reached the top and opened the door to my home, I exhaled and smiled at my great success.

I set Jayden down on the floor and then dropped the food I got onto the counters and began taking it all out and putting it in the fridge.

Afterwards I put my hair up with a small bit of lace, and started scrubbing down the counters. After that was done I started to make a bottle up for Jayden and started to feed him, after burping him I laid him down in his crib and went back to the kitchen and began to peel the potatoes and cut them up, and then putting them in a big pot. Cooking was a chore, but I do enjoy cooking. The wonderful scent made me smile. I started cooking around seven, so I’m hoping Nate comes through the door once it’s done. It’d make me so happy if we could sit down and have dinner together. I smiled at the thought of it and added some pepper to the stew.

When I finished making the stew, I put the top over it and sat down at the table. I kept the fire on low to keep the stew warm. I sat in that tan chair, just staring straight ahead, hoping to see Nate come right through that door. I felt so eager for this dinner with him. It’d be our first in a long, long time.

When an hour passed I sighed and got up and scooped myself some stew in a bowel, and then I sat back down at the table and ate it. I didn’t put a lot in the bowel; I just wanted to eat a little bit in case Nate came home we could then still eat together…

Around ten I started to put the food away, but making a bowel for Nate to eat for when he gets home, and one for me too if I catch him before I get to bed.

When midnight came, it was official; I had waited about five hours for him to come home, just so I could eat for at least twenty minutes with him at dinner.

Am I a fool?

Ugh.

I heard the door open and a smile replaced the frown that had fallen upon my face before.

I got up and walked over and called Nate’s name.

“I made dinner Nate; I have a bowel of stew in the fridge you can microwave for dinner.” I said with a big smile on my face.

I was excited, eager, and happy. I thought I was finally going to get rewarded for my hard work.

Is it pathetic that all I wanted was a sit down dinner with the man I fell for?

“I’m not hungry.” He said and turned towards the hallway.

My smile fell from my face.

“You’ve been working all day, you should eat something before you sleep, that way you have something your belly.” I said.

“You sound more and more like a Mother every time I see you.” He said turning at me with a smile and then turning back and walking down the hallway then making a right into his room.

I’m upset, I went through all this work, just so that I could do something for him, and at least receive one little thing in return. All I get is him coming home and going straight to his fucking room. He doesn’t touch me, he doesn’t eat with me, and he doesn’t spend time with his goddamn son.

Nadia came out of her room with a big smile on her face as she walked towards me and whispered, “Is he still your wonderful prince charming? ” as she passed me and went right into the kitchen.

At this point I was ready to either crawl up in a ball or cry myself to sleep, or rip Nadia’s head off, or possibly doing both of those things.

My hands were fisted, and I looked over my shoulder at her as she grabbed a piece of fruit and sat down in the same spot I had sat in waiting for Nate. She had the biggest grin on her face, one that I wanted to rip it off her very face.

Then I let my hands relax and I turned towards her and said, “Yeah, he is, and I’m not dying alone like you are, so I’m a very happy. So, Nadia, have fun dying alone.” I said with a smile and turned back once her smile fell and began to walk.

I felt an arm slither its way around my neck and yank me back into the ground. I slapped whatever it was that jumped on top of me. I opened my eyes wide to see Nadia on top of me with her face turned to the side from me slapping her, but her hands remained tightly around my neck, choking me.

I tried to speak out words, but I couldn’t.

“Shhh Vonia, you’ll wake the kids,” She said with a huge grin on her face, “And Nate, you know how hard he works.” Her black hair and newly dyed pink streaks swayed back and forth as she did.

I glared at her and socked her in the stomach and slapped her arms hard off me, and ran right into the kitchen; she followed after me, and jumped on me. I fell to the floor which resulted in a loud thump.

“Fuck! GET OFF.” I said in a stern voice. I was pissed off, I’ve had the shittiest day today, and she dares to fucking try me? This bitch seriously has another thing coming for her. I swear to god.

I shoved my elbow into her stomach, she shrieked a bit before once more, wrapping her hands around my neck, but this time, from behind…