Listen To Your Heart.

It had been hard to say goodbye to everyone again, especially Shane and Nick; but it was even harder to not see John this entire week. He was back on tour; he just stopped in for his Aunt’s funeral. What angered me most was that he let her go on tour with him, something we had fought about for weeks but he never gave in. She had him wrapped around her little finger; she didn’t deserve him at all.

I’d spent my last hour just sitting in John’s room, I surrounded myself with his smell. I was just setting myself up for another heart break, but I ached for his touch, I ached to feel his breath dance along my skin in the morning. When I thought about him it only made me want to come home even more, but he had moved on and I was left broken hearted. I thought it was destiny telling me to move on and let him go, but then again I thought he was mydestiny?

Maybe it was karma laughing at me, saying ‘You broke his heart, now let’s break yours’. I had never meant to hurt John, hurting him only pained me. I’d left so he could be happy, so he could live and put everything towards his music. Then he goes and gets caught up with Grace, he forgets about me for Grace. It hurt though, knowing that I’d never be able to move on and he already had found someone new, someone perfect in his eyes. I was so angry, I just wanted to look at him and scream, ‘You’re stupid Mr. O’Callaghan, you really are!’. But who was the stupid one that left? Who was the stupid one that broke his heart?

Oh that’s right, Me.

I layed on his bed, I just wanted to remember how it felt to be close to him. I closed my eyes and clung to the sheets that I missed so much. I rolled over and buried my face in his pillow, but it didn't smell like my John. It smelt of flowers, it was so strong. I rolled onto my back; I pushed the palms of my hands into my eyes. My tears stung my eyes, I howled out in pain but covered my mouth quickly. She was here, he had already- and with her. I continued to cry; all I wanted to do was cry.

I sat on the edge of his bed and stared at his room. It once was my safe place, now it was a place that had been stolen by her. She had no right to be here, no right at all. I looked at the clock on his bed side table, the red numbers hurt my eyes. 5 hours and I’d be on my way home, away from John andher.

I rested my hand on his side table while my other hand rubbed my temple. I stood up and knocked a pile of paper off. I sighed and bent down to pick it up. Scattered across the floor where letters addressed to me. In the corner where little red numbers, I grabbed the letter with a little one in the corner and opened it.

-

My darling,
God only knows how much I miss you Bee. I see you everywhere; everyday is harder to move forward without you. I saw you today, you were right there. You must think I’m going crazy, but in all honesty I think am. Your voice burnt me, hearing you say my name hurt. I think seeing you after having my heart shattered was just too much.

I need you to know that you hurt me, maybe beyond repair; maybe beyond anything thing that some other girl will be able to fix. I never asked you to leave; I never wanted you to leave me. So why did you? Why did you leave me when I still needed you? How could you?

Leaving me was the most selfish and unthoughtful thing you’ve ever done. I need you to know I'm hurting so maybe, just maybe you’ll realise how much I loved you. God Miss Lewis, you confuse me. I need time for my heart to mend; I need space for my head to stop throbbing.

Maybe one day I’ll look back and see that you really were the one I was suppose to end up with, until then. My heart will ache for everyday you spend away from me, my love.

You’ve done it, you’ve finally broken me.
Yours always my dear,
John Cornelius O’Callaghan V.

-

A single tear ran down my cheek at his words,
‘You’ve done it, you’ve finally broken me.’