But I Just Can't Speak.

‘I wanna tell you what I feel inside...’

Those words haunted me.
It was exactly what I wanted to do most in this world... but at the same time I just couldn’t do it, even if my life depended on it. I couldn’t open my mouth and just say the silly sounds; at least I couldn’t say them so they made sense or without making me sound like a complete idiot. It was the most embarrassing thing I could possibly do.
I’d take running down the main street of town naked and with Leanna watching then stuttering like a fool trying to explain how I felt about her.

Honestly it pissed me off till no end, but I can’t do anything about it.

Rolling my eyes I picked up the small piece of paper I had written those words on and screwed it up into a ball. I threw it down on ground and snapped my notebook shut. Standing up I half stomped over to my friends and let myself flop to the ground so I was standing on my knees.
I was that frustrated at myself sometimes I could rip all my hair out and not even care.

Growling annoyed I tossed my notebook to the side and let myself fall forwards so I was laying face first into the ground. The guys laughed lightly at me.
“Can’t think of anything?” Trent asked poking me in the ribs.
“Nope.” I muttered into the grass.
Though what he was asking about was the ending of a new song I came up with; not if I could figure out what to say to her. Either one I had a mind block on it.

“Maybe we could help?” River offered.
Quickly I shook my head.
“What’s the song about?”

Hearing her voice made my heart jump, but not just because of how pretty it sounded but of what she asked. If I can’t tell her that I liked her, then how the fuck do I tell her the song is about her? Easy I won’t.
“N-nothing.” I grunted hoping she missed the little stutter there.
“You can’t write a song about nothing.” River pointed out.
I lifted my head up so I could see him looking at me curious as he pushed his black, blue, and blond layered hair out of his sight. Wasn’t he’s hair red and black yesterday?
“Actually you can.” I shrugged. “Just come up with a bunch of rubbish and stick it all together.”
“Like that song you and Leanna wrote two weeks ago?” Trent asked.
“Exactly.”

River nods his head then gazed at my notebook. Quickly I reached out pulling it under my head acting like I needed it as some kind of pillow.
There was no way I was going to let anyone read out of this – at least not until I ripped those pages out that I want no one to see. I consider that notebook as my journal in some ways.
I bet you don’t find many guys around here that carried around a notebook everywhere they go, like I do.

“I’m sure you’ll think of something.” Leanna murmured.
I turned my head around to look at her. She was sitting by my knees behind me so turning my head around to look at her wasn’t really good for my neck, but I’ll live.
I showed her a small smile and nodded. She smiled back at me softly her blue eyes shining.
I looked away slowly, careful of my neck and placed my face into the book.

“Well we have to get going.” Trent said. “Come on Issac, up you get.”
I whined and shook my head like a little kid trying my best not to laugh. But seriously I didn’t really want to move because it was kind of comfy here believe it or not. I smiled as the others laughed at me.
Suddenly there was dead weight lying across my back making me gasp in surprise. I placed my palms to the ground and tried to push me and the person up but their dead weight was too heavy. I huffed as the person crushed my lungs and turned my head slightly. I saw blue and blond hair.

“River get the hell off me!” I yelled.
He started laughed as I squirmed under him. I shoved my elbow backwards and got him in the back, not as hard as I’d like to but hard enough to get the message across.
He got off of me and I took in a large gulp of air. Heavy idiot.
“Get up Issac!” He called jogging away from me laughing.
“Lazy ass.” Trent added chuckling.

Rolling my eyes I rolled over onto my back and looked up at the clear sky. Suddenly Leanna was in my vision standing over me, feet either side of my hips. She laughed and bent over slightly holding her hands out of me to take. I bit my lip and took her soft offering hands. She pulled my up gently to my feet and smiled at me. I smiled back and watched as she picked up my notebook.
My breath hitched my throat as she touched it. Oh, please let nothing fall out of it right now.

She handed it to me and I took it holding it with one arm, looking like I was just holding it normally; not actually clutching it to my chest like I really was.
“T-thanks.” I muttered, quickly embarrassed by me mini stutter.
Why must it always happen around her?
“You’re welcome.” She said easily looking me in the eyes.

She then turned and started following the two idiots we call friends running around pretending to be planes to make the kids on the play equipments laugh. Sighing I shook my head and followed my best friends out of the park quietly looking at my feet.

Look at how you get to me, love.

.+.+.

Looking at the bright blue water surrounded by rocks I felt like hitting my head on the biggest rock I could find.
How fucking hard was it to say ‘I like you’? It was like I was stuck in my own personal hell with those words I keep trying to say and end up sputtering like an idiot. I had tried –again- last night to tell her. I thought talking on the phone and not face to face would help. Hell I think it made it worse.
I felt so embarrassed I almost hanged up instead of changing the subject saying I needed help on another new song I had started.

Honestly I wanted to know what she thought when I did stutter like that. She never seemed to really laugh at me and just let me take my time trying to speak waiting patiently.
At least that is what I thought. What if she was laughing at me with Trent and River behind my back?
I shook my head. No, I don’t think they would do that. I’ve known those three for years and well enough to know that they wouldn’t do that...plus Trent was more of the person that if he was to laugh about you for something he would do it in your face. He hasn’t yet so I guess its ok.
Anyway I have stuttering like that for a while now when I go to say anything about my feelings.
Fuck it was frustrating.

‘This shouldn’t be so difficult.’

I agree with my own written words. No it shouldn’t be.
But it is.

Sighing I closed my notebook gently and looked up at the crystal blue water of Black Diamond Lake. Today was perfect for swimming; it wasn’t cloudy, too hot or windy – just right. It was obvious that Trent and River thought so as they climbed up the almost two story high cliffs to jump off the top. The lake was that deep there was no way anyone could touch the bottom without professional diving gear; even then they would be swimming for ages to touch it.
You’d think they would fill in this old open cut mine a little before flooding it with water.

Looking away I moved my book into my bag I had brought to carry spare clothes in and stood walking over to where Leanna floated ten meters away from the sand on an old boogie board. I took five steps in and couldn’t touch the ground. I paddled over to her and rested my arms on the board like if I was holding onto the side of a pool, just like she was doing.

“Tried to do some more writing?” She asked tilting her head to the side.
“Yeah, couldn’t c-come up with a-anything though.”
She nodded like in understanding.
“It will come to you, that’s what I do when writing; I wait until it hits me suddenly.” She laughed.
I smiled hearing her prettyful laugh and nodded.
“It w-would help if he came now though.” I sighed. “It’s...f-frustrating.”

She smiled at me sadly and was about to say something before she got cut off.
“Look out below!” Trent yelled.

We both looked up at the two on the cliff and I almost face palmed when I noticed we were nowhere near them. I smiled shaking my head.
The two of them held hands and ran off the cliff jumping into the air; both screaming loudly before they hit the water. I winced as I heard their skin slap the water. As fun as that is, it’s hurts from that height; it’s like doing a belly flop off a driving board. But here isn’t just your stomach and chest stinging; it’s any skin that hit the water first. In my option shins are the worst.

Only seconds later they had surfaced laughing and whining about how it hurt, but want to do it again. They waved at us and started swimming towards the walk path to get back to the top.

“I’m going to film them this time, coming?” She asked easily talking all my attention again.
I nodded and started kicking taking us over to the sand.
My feet search for the rocky ground edge to get back onto the sand. After a moment I found it and stood up suddenly standing in water coming up to my waist. I pulled the board Leanna was still floating on towards me. She let go but suddenly went almost under, I gasped quietly and reached out as she popped her head up. Her cheeks had a sudden rose pink glow as she chuckled lightly.
She reached out her arm and I took hold pulling her gently towards me.

“Well I found the edge that’s crumbling away.” She laughed standing up.
I chuckled and let her arm go grabbing the board and holding it under my arm. We walked towards out stuff and I dropped the board into the dirt. I didn’t bother drying off with a towel because I would probably go back in soon.
I watched as she dried her hands and picked up her old trusty camera. She has that thing for so long; it even has the odd scratch to prove it.

Suddenly she whipped around and held it up at me. I laughed and did a quick last second pose for her. I hate to think of how many pictures she had of me by now.
She laughed and walked past back to the water’s edge. Smiling I followed and sat down next to her in the ankle deep water.

“This was a g-good idea coming o-out here.” I said quietly looking around.
“Yeah we haven’t been out here since last summer.” She nodded. “I still have that photo of you stuck in that tree.”
I laughed and shook my head. She chuckled quietly and I looked up at her. She smiled down at me and poked me in the ribs with her toes. Like usual when she looked at me her blue eyes were shinning happily. I smiled softly and looked away. That was one of the things I found pretty about her; her eyes.
Wish I could tell her that though without sounding like an idiot.

Sighing I brought my knees to my chest and looked towards the cliffs. The guys waved at us and held hands again. Counting loudly they jumped up and down before sprinting to jump of the edge again. I chuckled lightly but winced again when they hit the water.
Once they had surfaced and started swimming again to the walk path I looked down at my hands.
Out the corner of my eye I saw Leanna sit beside me smiling softly.

It was times like this I wanted to open my big mouth and just spit it out. But I can’t. I frowned and placed my chin on my knees.

But I just can’t speak...

“What’s wrong?” She asked softly.
I blinked and looked towards her just to look away again bitting my lip.
I...I could try again right? I have already scared myself enough from embarrassment as I could. I just really, really want to tell her.
I was at the point of not caring if she liked me back or not; I just wanted it off my chest. It was almost suffocating.

“H-have you,” I swallowed hard. “W-wanted to tell s-someone s-something but couldn’t get it o-o-out?”
I flinched mentally at hearing how much I stuttered then. Leanna looked at me with her kind, helpful eyes nodding. I expected her to laugh at me for it, but like all the other times she didn’t.
“Yeah...I have.” She said almost shyly.
I bit my lip hard.

Can I do this? Can I say it without messing it all up?

“W-well, I...” I trailed off. “I wanted to t-tell you s-s-something.”
I glanced at her to see her smiling softly and nodding for me to continue. This is hard.
“I-i-I l-l-like-e...“

I growled annoyed and hid my face in my knees. I felt so bad that I wanted to cry or rip my hair out. With one hand I reached up and pulled at my hair slightly clinching my eyes closed tightly. I took a deep shaky breath.
I felt a soft cool hand on my shoulder making me jump startled, but I still didn’t look at her as she took the hand that was pulling my hair and held it between hers.
“Take a deep breath and try again slowly.” She said softly trying to help. “Take your time, all day if you have to.” She added trying to make me smile.
It worked a little.

I nodded and took a few deep breaths slowly lifting my head up.
“I s-sound like an i-idiot.” I mumbled.
She chuckled making me glance at her to see her shaking her head.
“I don’t think so.” She smiled. “It’s ok to be shy about saying something even if there is no reason to be.” She said softly.
I bit my lip and nodded. I...I guess that was true. I sighed closing my eyes.

“Well,” I said quietly sucking it up. “I-i-I l-like-“
Shaking my head I cleared my throat.
“L-like y-you more than an f-f-friend-d.”

My eyes snapped open and I started at the water almost in shock. I said it...I actually said it!
I smiled and was about so say something else but I froze from a different shock.
What would she think? Does she like me too?
Slowly I turned my head to look at her. She looked at me surprised. I felt rejection started to eat away at my stomach. Maybe there was a reason why I couldn’t say it.

“Really?” She whispered.
Not trusting my voice I nodded and looked away. She was quiet and I could feel her eyes on me. Sighing I went to stand up but her squizzing my hand stopped me. I couldn’t look at her though.
“I-I like you too.”

My head snapped around to look at her with wide eyes. One of her pretty smiled spread across her lips.
Slowly I smiled back and lent towards her pulling her into a tight hug. She giggled and wrapped her arms back around me. Smiling still I hid my face into her neck, only then realising how hot my face was.

“So is that what you have been trying to tell me a few times?” She asked pulling away.
“Y-yeah.”

Hearing myself stutter again and hid my face in my hands as she laughed. I felt her pull my hands away from my face and she smiled before quickly pecking my lips. I couldn’t help but grin.

And what she said next make be smile even more.

“By the way, I think your stutter is cute.”