I Couldn't Be More Afraid

“Leah, seriously, what the fuck am I supposed to do?” I was talking a mile a minute, pacing through my living room, and my entire body was shaking. Instead of responding with words, Leah handed me a shot glass and I wasn’t even sure what was it in, I just swallowed it. I didn’t really care that it was before noon. As the liquid, which I realized was tequila, burned through my throat, I looked at my friend in front of me. She had pounded two shots while watching me panic.

“Are you starting to relax a bit?”

“Giving me liquor isn’t going to make me calm down about it,” I responded, still talking fast and shoving the piece of paper in my hand into her face. I printed out the e-mail and read it so many times; I didn’t know whether or not I should tell Marc about it or whether or not I wanted to see Scott…my mind would not stop racing.

“Layla…the fact that you’re freaking out about this means that you want to see him…”

“How do I tell Marc? I’ve barely told him anything about Scott to begin with.”

“Don’t yell at me for this…” she paused.

“What?”

“Are you over Scott?” My heart stopped when she asked that question…my hesitation alone seemed to answer the question for Leah. As for myself, I didn’t know – Scott was part of my past and Marc had made me forget the entire ordeal. At least I’d thought he did.

“What do I do?” I asked her, my voice solemn.

“You have to be honest with Marc, he is your boyfriend.”

“So what do I tell him? ‘Well the guy who broke my heart is coming to town and wants to see me.’ What if I see him and he’s everything I remembered him to be?”

“Or maybe now that you have a great guy who treats you amazingly, you’ll realize that Scott was never who you thought he was. Can I be honest with you?”

“When aren’t you?” I smiled.

“Seriously babe, when you would come back from school and talk about Scott, you never made him sound like that great of a guy. Sure, you would say all of the good things, but as an outsider, it made me wonder why he never asked you out if he liked you that much. He took advantage of you and he used you and you deserve so much better than that. I even think that if you saw him again, you might realize that he was never Mr. Wonderful. Maybe you’ll compare him to Marc even…”

I didn’t have words for anything she was saying. I wasn’t sure that she was right…but I also wasn’t sure if she was wrong. Throughout college, I probably did think that Scott was better than he actually was. I was a girl with a crush and he fed into it by kissing me, cuddling with me, and making me believe that he actually cared. He also listened to me when I needed him to, helped me study, and was an overall good friend. Friends and acquaintances would tell me when he hooked up with other girls at parties and my response was always “so? We’re just friends,” of course I was lying through my teeth. It always hurt to know he had other girls.

Marc was on the road for a few days, he would get home really late on Saturday night. Scott wanted to see me on Saturday. I could actually do it without Marc knowing and just tell him about it afterwards. Seeing Scott would put all of this to rest, wouldn’t it? I would see him, realize that I only wanted to be with Marc, and that would be the end.

“What are you thinking,” Leah asked me in an accusatory tone.

“Nothing.”

“Layla…”

“Fine…Marc’s out of town until late Saturday night, I could see Scott during the day and Marc would never know about it.”

“That’s honest.”

“It would be lunch with a friend from college, Marc doesn’t have to know that it’s Scott.”

“Are you really trying to convince yourself of this, Layla?”

“I would see Scott, realize I’m over it, then that’s it. All over.”

“Honey, it doesn’t work that way.”

Leah was right, but I didn’t want to admit that to her or to myself. I wanted to see Scott, the more I tried to tell myself that I didn’t, the more I realized that I wanted to. Seeing him again would be the only way to get closure. It had become pretty clear that I was letting Scott get in the way of my relationship with Marc. However, I didn’t think Marc would like me seeing Scott and I didn’t want to have that discussion when I didn’t even know what could happen.

“Maybe I’ll call Dubi and ask what he thinks.”

“No,” Leah responded very quickly.

“What?”

“It’s just that they’re best friends and you don’t want Dubi telling Marc. Remember, his loyalties are with him.”

“I guess you’re right,” I responded, but I was definitely getting a weird vibe from Leah with how quickly she responded to that.

“Alright, I need to get some sleep before work,” Leah said. She came over at ten in the morning straight from some guy’s house having not slept at all and we had to be at work in eight hours. “So, I’ll see you tonight….and Lay?”

“Yeah?”

“In the end, it’s up to you…but I don’t think seeing Scott would be a bad idea. I do think hiding it from Marc would be.”

With that, Layla was out the door. I thought about taking a nap, but I knew that it would be as hard to sleep as it was the night before after I read that e-mail. Marc could tell there was something wrong when I talked to him before bed, but I lied and told him everything was fine. He was done with practice by noon and I knew that he would be calling or texting before his afternoon nap to see if I was okay. I could lie to him again or I could listen to Leah. I looked through my phone and saw that Scott’s number was still there, I never had the heart to delete it. There were so many times that I almost drunk dialed him or drunk called him, but I’d always stopped myself.

It might have been the tequila and it might have been my overactive mind, but I found myself pressing the send button and putting the phone to my ear. I didn’t know what I was doing, but suddenly there was ringing on the other end.

“Layla!” a cheerful voice answered, “I didn’t think I’d hear from you.”

“Hey Scott,” I said in a much more formal voice.

“How are you?”

“I’m hanging in there, how about you?”

“I’m good. What have you been up to?”

“Just working at the bar, figuring out what I want to do with my life, how about you?” I don’t know why, but I felt comfortable just having a conversation with him.

“I got a job here in Philly, entry level, but that’s why I’m going to be in New York this weekend. I’d really love to see you if you have time.”

“I have to be at work at 7 on Saturday, but I could maybe do something earlier.”

“How about I take you out to lunch on Saturday, maybe 1:00? It will give plenty of time for you to get home in time for work.”

“That sounds good.”

“I can’t wait to see you, Lay. It’s been too long.”

“Yeah, same,” I said softly.

“I have to run though, I’m at work, I’ll e-mail you details tomorrow or Friday. I’m so glad you called me, babe.”

“Bye Scott, I’ll see you Saturday.”

“See you Saturday.”

I hung up the phone and collapsed onto the couch. I wasn’t sure what I just did or what I was going to do about Marc. I also found myself smiling; I was excited to see Scott. It had been months since graduation and our unhappy ending. He was a part of my life for four years; I couldn’t just erase all of those feelings. At the same time, I was afraid of what other feelings would rush back when I saw him again.

---

Marc called me on Friday afternoon before he had to head to the rink for a game in Ottawa and before I had to go to work. We didn’t have much time to talk, but I was okay with that because I hadn’t told him about my plans to see Scott. He kept telling me that I sounded off, but I would constantly play it off as if I was just tired and not really in the mood to go to work.

“Babe, are you sure nothing’s wrong?”

“Marc, I’m fine, I promise.”

“I don’t believe you, but I know you’re not going to tell me anything else. I just hope you know you can talk to me about anything.”

“I know. Really, I’m just tired. It’s gonna be a long night at work and I don’t have another night off for a while.”

“But you get to see me late tomorrow night.”

“I can’t wait.”

“Alright, I’ll talk to you later.”

“Good luck tonight.”

“Thanks, bye.”

“Bye.”

I hated lying to him, but I knew that nothing good would come out of telling him the truth, especially when he wasn’t going to be home until after it was over. I was planning to tell him everything when he came over on Saturday night. At least then there would be something to tell him. It wasn’t a date; it was two old friends going out to lunch and catching up. Scott made it very clear that he didn’t have feelings for me.

I took a shower to clear my mind and get ready for work. I was in the mood for a more conservative outfit; flirting would probably make me feel guiltier. Marc knew what I did at work, he knew that I flirted with customers, and he knew that it was completely harmless. For some reason though, that night I felt guilty about it. My conscience was playing games with me and I had a feeling, it would only get worse.

All through work that night, I tried to act naturally and the customers were treating me the same as always, so I thought I was succeeding. Of course, throughout the night, Leah was making comments about Scott and asking me if I told Marc yet.

“Seriously Layla, did you tell him.”

“Yes,” I lied, “Marc knows I’m having lunch with my friend Scott from college tomorrow.”

“And he knows that Scott is the same guy as the one who broke your heart.”

“He knows who Scott is,” I replied. That technically wasn’t a lie because Marc did know who Scott was…he just didn’t know I was seeing him. After that, Leah dropped the subject, and I hoped that she believed me. The more I lied, the worse I felt about the whole thing. Yet, at the same time, I was excited for what it would be like to see Scott again.

---

Saturday morning, I woke up at nine after only six hours of sleep. Even though I didn’t need to leave until noon, I needed to get some caffeine in me and make sure I was myself before I left. I turned on my coffee pot and then went into the shower; I timed it perfectly that the coffee was perfect. I had a bowl of cereal with my coffee and then went back into my bedroom to figure out what I was going to wear. He told me that the place wasn’t that fancy, so I decided on my favorite pair of jeans and a blue top that was tight in all of the right places. It wasn’t too revealing, but it definitely said “you missed out on this.” I did my makeup and the next thing I knew, it was almost noon and I had to get on the train.

I took a cab to where Scott told me to meet him and I could see him standing outside before I even paid the driver. I stepped out and looked at him; he was exactly how I remembered except he looked a little more mature. His nearly black hair was gelled into the perfectly messy style and his green eyes were brightened by the sunlight. He wore a pair of jeans and a black button down; I wasn’t sure why I thought he would look any different, perhaps I just wanted him to.

He saw me get out of the cab and walked over, “Layla, you look gorgeous,” he greeted me with a kiss on the cheek.

“You look good too, Scott.”

He took my hand and led me into a cute little café that I had never seen before. We sat down at a corner table and it suddenly felt like a date and as if on cue, I felt a buzz in my pocket. I looked at my phone to see a text: “Just wanted to say hi before heading to the game. See you tonight. xoxo.” I smiled and replied “good luck,” then turned back to Scott.

The conversation flowed throughout lunch; I found myself laughing and falling right back into the patterns I thought were long gone. We were teasing each other; we talked about hockey, we talked about the old days, and we talked about our current lives. The next thing I knew, almost three hours had gone by. I offered to pay my share of the bill, but Scott insisted that he offered, so he was going to be treating. I smiled at him and we walked out the door.

“I have to go home and get ready for work.”

“Are you still at that same sports bar?”

“Yeah, the money’s good and I love it.”

“Well, a girl as pretty as you that knows the game probably makes great tips during a hockey game.”

“It does me well,” I smiled back.

“It was really great seeing you again, I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too, Scott,” I replied honestly.

He took my hand and leaned in and his lips met mine, my body shuttered and then tensd up; immediately I jerked back, pushing him away.

“What’s wrong, Lay?”

“I’m kinda seeing someone,” I responded, realizing that I hadn’t even thought to mention Marc to him all night.

“I’m sorry, I had no idea…you never mentioned him.”

“I know,” I responded, “I have to go,” I said quickly before hailing the next cab back to Penn Station.