I Couldn't Be More Afraid

I let him kiss me. Why the hell did I let him kiss me? And why didn’t I tell him about Marc until after? I knew that I was always going to let Scott get to me, but this was a new level. I was finally happy. After all of the time avoiding things with Marc, we settled into something amazing and I was about to blow it. I found myself crying on the train home, just wanting to be in my bed and by myself.

In all of the time I had been working at Maxwell’s, this was the first time I had ever called in sick. I didn’t even call Leah, I couldn’t deal with her saying “I told you so,” even though I needed her more than anything. Marc called a couple of times, but I hit ignore. I didn’t want to deal with anyone. I had made a mess and needed to figure it out myself. I reached over to turn my phone off so it would stop buzzing and actually read the text on the screen.

Marc: What’s going on Lay?
Me: nothing
Marc: well you’re alive and responding
Me: sorry, I was sleeping

It wasn’t a lie, but I couldn’t say anything else. When my phone buzzed again, I expected it to be Marc, but it wasn’t.

Scott: It was great seeing you again, Layla. You looked amazing.

I didn’t respond. After what I told him, there was no reason he should be texting me. I knew what was going to happen. Everything was going to start all over again. Finally, I was happy with Marc and he had to come back and ruin everything. Then, I couldn’t stop thinking about the question Leah asked me before I left…and how I wasn’t able to answer her. Maybe I wasn’t being fair to Marc; with all of the fears I had of him being unfaithful to me, I was the one with the attachment to someone else.

Being alone wasn’t a good idea anymore. I called Kim, she had been with me through everything with Scott and she would understand. Luckily, she was off work and was willing to come over immediately. I was on the couch, crying to myself, waiting for some type of comfort. While I was waiting, my phone rang again…I was getting tired of the sound of the buzzing phone moving across the coffee table. I looked at it and knew immediately that I shouldn’t answer, but I did anyway.

“What the hell happened to you?” I couldn’t tell if she was concerned or angry.

“Nothing Lee, I just don’t feel well.”

“Don’t give me that bullshit, Layla.”

Kim knocked on the door, saving me from dealing with Leah. I told her that I had to go and while she tried to fight it, I hung up the phone. Kim had a very serious look on her face, it looked like I was in for a lecture and a half. It was going to be a very long night.

“Tell me what happened. From the beginning.”

So I did. I told her everything starting with the dream and ending with the kiss. I told her that I didn’t know how I felt and made sure to mention that I didn’t tell Scott about Marc until after he kissed me. She just sat there and listened; she didn’t react at all, that was something about my best friend, she always remained neutral until the end.

“What was the first thing you thought when he kissed you?”

“Marc.”

“That’s a good sign, then. It means that you really do care about him. What we have to figure out is what made you not mention him at all before that.”

“I don’t know…it just felt so much like old times and back then, I didn’t have a boyfriend. All I wanted then was Scott.”

“Well first thing…you have to tell Marc.”

“I don’t know how to do that.”

“Tell him that you saw Scott, tell him that Scott kissed you and that you immediately left. You did nothing wrong.”

“I didn’t tell him I was seeing him. I didn’t tell Scott I had a boyfriend.”

“and it’s eating you alive right now. If you don’t talk to Marc, then you’re going to be a mess for a long time. When does he get back from the road?”

“Monday.”

“It can’t wait that long. Call him now and tell him.”

“I can’t tell him over the phone.”

That’s when Kim started to raise her voice at me. “Layla Marie Carson, get on the fucking phone right now and tell your boyfriend. If you can’t call him and tell him any of this, then you don’t deserve to be with him.”

I started crying; I was crying because she was being so blunt and I was crying because everything she said was right. I didn’t deserve Marc if I couldn’t be faithful to him. Kim handed me my phone and she had already pressed send.

“Hey baby,” I heard on the other end.

“I need to tell you something,” I said, sniffling through each word.

“What’s the matter, Lay. Are you crying?”

“Please Marc, let me finish before you say anything. Scott e-mailed me the other day, he wanted to get together and I saw him for lunch today. Before I left, he kissed me. I pulled away right away and told him about you. I hadn’t mentioned it before, I don’t know why,” I couldn’t stop talking once I started and just spit out all of the words. He didn’t say a word in response. I could hear him breathing on the other end of the phone and knew that I messed up big time. It seemed fitting with everything that happened that I would ruin it all over something stupid.

“I can’t talk to you right now,” he said sternly and hung up the phone. I couldn’t breathe at that point because I was crying so hard. Kim just sat next to me and brushed her hand through my hair, trying to comfort me. I wanted to throw up, I was so angry at myself and so upset over everything that I couldn’t do anything but cry. Eventually, Kim had to go home and she brought me into my room and told me to try to get some sleep.

I eventually fell asleep and could only dream about Marc yelling at me about everything. He told me that he knew all along that I was pushing him away because of Scott and that I was still in love with Scott. I woke up feeling sick and couldn’t fall back to sleep. I needed to talk to him and make everything okay, but I wasn’t sure how to do that. It was no one’s fault but my own. I looked at the clock and it was just before 4; I realized that if I had gone to work, I would probably just be getting home. I was proven correct when I heard banging on my door; there was only one person it could be.

“You look like shit,” Leah greeted me.

“I feel like shit,” I replied.

“You never told Marc you were seeing Scott…it was bad enough that you didn’t tell me,” I didn’t say a word in response. I had no words anymore; I should have known she would figure it out. “Tell me what happened, Layla. What was so awful that you called out of work? I know that you saw him, you can’t deny that, so what the fuck happened.”

“Leah, stop!” I said, louder than I planned to. My stress level was getting to the point where I couldn’t even control myself anymore. “I did see Scott, I knew you wouldn’t approve. I saw him and he kissed me and I don’t know what to do anymore. I told Marc and now I don’t think he ever wants to speak to me again. I haven’t stopped crying for hours, I feel sick, and I hate myself. Is that what you want to hear from me right now?”

She just looked at me and walked over and gave me a hug. I guess no words needed to be said. Leah was upset that I hadn’t called her to talk about it before and she was upset at me for not going to work and trying to fight through it all. She had every right to be mad at me, but she was going to forgive me. That’s what friends did, friends forgave and friends supported. Leah knew that I needed the support and she promised to help me through everything. She stayed over that night, watching bad comedies and drinking wine. I was finally starting to relax a little bit knowing that things were out of my control until Marc was ready to talk to me.

--

Monday came and I knew that the Rangers were coming home from their road trip. I watched the game on Sunday night where they lost 2-1 in Tampa, but it was hard to hear his name without getting upset all over again. I waited all day and all night for my phone to ring, but it wasn’t happening. I had to be at work at four, so around 3:15, I decided to try to call him. The phone rang and rang until it went to voicemail. I knew when I was being ignored and didn’t know what to do. I dolled myself up and got ready for work, if anything, I was going to fake a smile and make some decent money.

I got to work and Leah greeted me with a hug asking if I was feeling any better. I didn’t answer before she knew that I was going to fake it until I believed it. I told her about the text from Scott that I never answered and she seemed proud that I was trying to make it better with Marc and not let anything get worse. The bar was pretty quiet on a Monday night with only the Devils playing and it was against Dallas, so the draw was pretty low. Leah and I had a good amount of down time to just talk. She tried to keep the topics away from my relationship, but the little things kept reminding me of Marc.

“What are you doing out here after midnight on a Monday?” I heard Leah say.

“I have to talk to your girl,” a voice responded. I knew that voice and while it was normally very playful, this time it sounded stern and angry.

“Brandon, I can’t,” I said, using his first name.

“I don’t care what you can or can’t do. One of my best friends is miserable right now and you’re going to talk to me.”

“You’re not the one I need to talk to.”

“Stop it, Layla. I can make him talk to you, if you just tell me what’s going on.”

“She’ll talk to you when we get out of here,” Leah answered for me, “go do something and meet her and her apartment at 2:30. You’ll talk then.”

Dubi was very obedient and left the bar. I looked at Leah and she explained her reasoning. She knew that if I talked to Dubi, then maybe I would figure out what to say to Marc. Maybe he would convince Marc to talk to me and we could work things out. At the same time, I was wondering why she kept suggesting that she come along or that I should be careful about being alone with him. Dubi was going to help me get back to where I was before this whole mess happened.

When I got home, he was waiting outside my front door, sitting on the roof of his car. He looked at me in a way that I had never seen before. I couldn’t describe the look at all; it was part disappointment, part hope, part I just couldn’t figure out. I opened the front door and he followed me inside, both of us taking our seats on the couch. A few minutes passed before either of us said a word.

“You hurt him.”

“I know.”

“Why did you do it?”

“Do what?”

“See that guy without telling Marc…I’ll be honest with you, he didn’t give me that many details. He only told me that you saw some guy without telling him and that you kissed another guy. He’s a mess, Layla.”

“Scott was an old friend from college. He was the guy who I would sleep with all the time and who led me on, but nothing came of it. He’s always had me wrapped around his finger. I didn’t want to tell Marc because I didn’t want to admit to myself that I was afraid of seeing him and afraid of what I might feel.”

“Why would a beautiful, amazing girl like you stay around a guy who didn’t treat you as well as you deserve?”

He caught me off guard with that comment, but I was able to force a smile before telling him that I really didn’t know.

“I thought I would see him, have lunch, and go home. I thought that seeing him might prove to me that I felt nothing for him anymore.”

“And…”

“And when he kissed me, all I wanted to do was be with Marc. I realized that I’ve never felt like this before and that I never would feel like this again. I realized that I made a mistake.” Dubi looked like he was processing everything that I said before he responded.

“You messed up big time with this one.”

“What should I do?”

“If it were me that was mad at you, one bat of those eyes and I would have no choice but to forgive and when you talk, he could feel the same.”

I looked at him after that comment and noticed him moving closer to me. I turned my head and started to cry again.