I Couldn't Be More Afraid

“It’s getting kind of late,” Marc said to me after we had been sitting at the beach for a couple of hours.

“Wow, yeah it is,” I responded when I realized it was almost 2 in the morning. We had been so lost in conversation that I had no idea how much time was going by. He was so much more than I had originally thought; beyond the hockey player was a real person that I actually enjoyed being around. Once he stopped trying so hard, he was actually pretty fun.

Marc stood up first and took my hand to help me up before lacing his fingers with mine and walking back to his car. It shocked me when he opened my door before walking around the car to the driver’s side. Once I realized where we were, I led him the easiest way back to my house. He stopped the car completely outside and got out to walk me to the door. We stood in front of my door for a few seconds, half comfortable, half awkwardly. He took my hand in his yet again and said, “I had a really good time tonight.” I responded that I did too before he gently kissed my cheek; he let go of my hand slowly as he walked away. This time, he was the one who left me wanting more.

When I got inside, I showered and got ready to go to sleep. As soon as I climbed into my bed, I heard my phone buzz on my nightstand. I looked at it and there was a text from Marc saying again that he had a really good time.

Me: So did I
Marc: I hope we can do it again
Me: me too
Marc: I’ll let you sleep. Goodnight beautiful.
Me: Goodnight.

---

The next day, I slept much later than I had planned. I couldn’t remember my dreams when I woke up, but I was so happy that I could just sense that they were good. Scenes from the night before played back in my head and I realized that I was falling way harder than I expected. Marc Staal had gone from the annoying guy trying to get my attention to the person that I wanted to spend more time with.

I had to be at work at 4, which left me a little over 3 hours to get ready; of course that meant I would spend two hours on the couch watching TV and then jumping in the shower and getting ready for work. At 3:45, I was dressed and ready to go, so I got in my car and headed to the bar. When I walked in, Leah was impatiently waiting for me.

“Soooooooo?” she greeted me with.

“Hi Leah, how are you, I’m good, thanks for asking.”

“Come on, Lay, you know I want to hear about your date before it gets crowded. Did he kiss you…?”

“I had a really good night. He took me out to dinner, then we went down to the beach and we just talked,” I could feel myself getting more and more giddy.

“Sex on the beach?”

“He kissed me on the cheek. That was it.”

“Wow, and you’re still this giddy. Must have been a good date.”

“It really was.”

The crowd started to pile in around 7; the puck was dropping on the Ranger game at 7:30. I wanted to be there cheering Marc on, but it was way too soon for that. I started to get a little upset at myself for even thinking that; after one date, I shouldn’t be thinking about a relationship. Even with how amazing the date was, I wasn’t sure if Marc was even capable of a monogamous relationship…or if he even wanted one.

Throughout the night, Leah was constantly commenting that my flirting skills were down. I was so focused on the TV and on the game, and that I wasn’t chatting up the clients enough. The regulars talked to me as they normally did and left the same tips, but some of the new guys weren’t leaving the tips we were used to. I still served their food and drinks with a smile, but Leah told me that my attention was too much on the boy wearing #18 on the screen.

At one point, my eyes were completely glued to the TV screen; Marc managed to get the puck in the defensive zone and with no one to pass to, he traveled across the ice and scored a perfect goal. The entire bar exploded, but I might have been one of the loudest. Leah walked past saying “wonder why you’re screaming now,” in my ear. I laughed and got back to work; when I realized how badly I was doing on tips, I tried harder to flirt. Unfortunately, the fakeness was completely transparent.

After the game, the customers started leaving and I was fixated on the post game interview. Since Marc scored that gorgeous goal, he was being interviewed. As usual, I couldn’t hear the TV, but I was able to read the closed captioning.

“I went out there tonight with the same goal as every night, to play my hardest, but in addition, I was playing to impress someone new in my life,” the interviewer then asked if it was a girl and Marc blushed. I couldn’t believe that Marc Staal was blushing on MSG in front of thousands of viewers because of me. My giddiness took over again; it had only been one date, but I was starting to think we had something.

Leah and I started cleaning up like we did after every other shift and she didn’t seem happy.

“What’s up, Lee?”

“Our tips aren’t what they usually were. You having a boyfriend had better not affect your flirting skills.”

“He’s not my boyfriend.”

“Whatever…just promise me that tonight was post-date giddiness and that you’ll be back to yourself tomorrow night?”

“I promise.”

What Leah didn’t realize was that her words stung. When I got home that night, I started thinking about how I wasn’t being myself. I had boyfriends before and I’d been on a lot of first dates with guys that I really liked, so why was this different? I wasn’t sure if it was Marc acting completely differently than I had expected or that I was just really falling for him.

My change in behavior was scaring and upsetting me. Before Leah had pointed it out, I knew that something was different, but I didn’t realize how obvious it was. I was mad at myself for letting the happiness of the date change me…but I was getting scared all over again. Even though we didn’t even kiss, things were moving way too fast. I had to slow them down.

As I was thinking about everything and replaying the night in my head, my phone rang. It was around 1 in the morning and I had no idea who would be calling me unless it was Leah saying that I left something at work, but she left at the same time as I did. I looked at the caller ID and saw that it was Marc.

“You’re calling late,” I answered.

“I wanted to see if you watched the game tonight.”

“I did.”

“And the post game?”

“Yes.”

“And?”

“And you said that you were trying to impress someone.”

‘What does she think?”

“She thought you had a gorgeous goal.”

“So when can I see you again?”

“I don’t know,” I responded, kind of quietly. I wanted to see him again, but I didn’t want to get in deeper than I already was. If he took me on another date like the one we had, I wasn’t sure what it would do to me.

“Well…we have away games against the Kings and Ducks next month, how would you like to come?”

“To California?”

“Yeah.”

“Marc…I don’t know.”

“You don’t have to answer right away,” he responded, but he sounded hurt. I didn’t understand that, we had been on one date, it was way too early for us to spend that much time together, plus I didn’t want to use my vacation time from work. He then added, “what about next Saturday night?”

“What about it?” I responded coyly.

“Are you free?”

“I’ll have to check.”

“Well if you are, can I take you out again?”

“I’ll let you know.”

“I’ll let you get to sleep, you sound tired. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” I responded and hung up the phone. I wanted to go out with him the following weekend and if I requested off from work this far in advance, it wouldn’t be a problem. I just didn’t want to sound over excited; I didn’t want to give him the upper hand in anything. I had to make sure that I maintained the power because he could never see the power that he had over me.

---

I waited a few days before calling Marc back and telling him that I would be able to get off work and go out with him the following Saturday. We talked in between there, but I wouldn’t even mention the date again. If he asked, I would change the subject; he couldn’t know that I wanted to see him again and that I hoped after the second date, I would get a kiss.

Thursday night before the date, I was working the night shift with Leah again and she made me take a few shots before anyone got there. The shots loosened me up and I was able to flirt with the customers more than ever before. I also was having fun just being at work that night; Leah was asking me if I had any idea where Marc was taking me, but all I knew was that a car was picking me up and taking me to meet him in the city.

After the bar emptied out that night, Leah, Alex, and I decided to have a few drinks. It turned into me talking about Marc and all of my nerves started to come out. Instead of dealing with the nerves, I had a few more drinks. Before I knew it, Alex and I were both drunk, but Leah remained sober and just made fun of us.

“So Lay,” Alex started, “ready for your second date with Marc Staal?”

“Not at all,” I responded. Once the words came out, I couldn’t believe that I had just said it. Unfortunately for me, when I drank, I said a lot more than I should. Right after, I added “I don’t know…I like him, but I know that as soon as I let myself become vulnerable, he’ll get bored. He liked the chase, so if I give in, then he won’t want me anymore. I have to keep him wanting more, then he’ll stick around.”

“Are you sure?” Leah said, “when he was here, he really seemed to like you.”

“I’m still afraid that it’s a game.”

“If it was a game, wouldn’t he have kissed you on the first date?” Alex asked.

“LEAH!” I yelled, “you told him?”

“It’s not a big deal, Layla,” and she was right; had I been sober, I wouldn’t have cared that Alex knew. The rest of the night involved me talking about being afraid of the date and the two of them telling me it would be okay. When I got home and was by myself, I broke down in drunken tears. I wasn’t going to cancel the date, but I knew that I was going to have to turn my guard way back up.

---

The car picked me up exactly when it was supposed to. Marc told me to dress casually; I decided on skinny jeans, boots, and a cashmere sweater; I put on my faux fur lined jacket and grabbed gloves and a hat. It was getting pretty cold out and he mentioned something about being outdoors.

I was a little disappointed when he wasn’t in the car that picked me up, but he told me that he had to finish some of the plans in the city. It gave me time to think about what was going on and play the worst scenarios in my head. I was afraid that I would get there and he would say “haha, just kidding, I made you fall at my feet, now I’m done with you.” At the same time I was anxious to see what he had planned.

The car dropped me off in front of a small restaurant in the lower east side. It was a fancy pizza place called Motorino; the pizza was absolutely amazing. We talked like old friends, just like on the first date. The more we sat there, the more I realized that my fears were unfounded. After dinner, we both got into the back seat of the same car that had picked me up and drove across the city. About 15 minutes later, the car stopped in front of Rockefeller Center. I had mentioned to Marc once that I loved to skate, so he was taking me ice skating at one of the most famous public rinks in the country.

We skated in circles with crowds of other people; some people came up to him for pictures and autographs. I realized that I would have to get used to that, but it was kind of uncomfortable. Many of the people were asking if I was his girlfriend and I probably responded “no” way too quickly. When Marc heard, he looked kind of upset. After a couple of hours of skating, we put our skates back in the car and he took my hand walking a few blocks to Central Park.

The night air was chilly and I was shaking a little bit. We walked and talked and I could tell that he was going to bring up the conversation with the fans.

“You were quick to tell those people that you weren’t my girlfriend.”

“It’s only our second date.”

“I know, but you still sounded pretty sure that you never would be.”

“I want to take it slow.”

“I can handle that,” he responded, “but how long can you resist me?”

I smiled and laughed at his comment and slapped his chest. He grabbed my hand from his chest and pulled me into him. He held our hands together between us and looked me straight in the eye; we both smiled at each other before he leaned in slowly. Our lips met in the middle and shivers went down my spine; our mouths opened simultaneously as our tongues found each other. My entire body went weak as he proved that he knew what he was doing; his arms moved around my waist pulling me until there was no space between our bodies. I responded by wrapping my arms around his neck continuing to deepen the kiss. I had been kissed before, but never had it felt anything like that.