Teach Me How To Live Again

Gerard's P.O.V.

After the funeral, we bury Mikey. I don't know how Ryan is still conscious. We go home to have the wake. It isn't as bad as I thought it would be...Everyone is telling their favorite stories about Mikey, and in a strange way, it's helping. Well, me anyway. Where is Ryan? I wander into the kitchen to look for her, but all I find is my mom and my aunt getting food ready. "Have you seen Ryan?" I ask Mom.

"No, sweetie, I haven't. Maybe try the backyard?" she suggests.

"Thanks, Mom," I say, kissing her cheek and going out the back door.

Frankie's P.O.V.

I'm sitting uncomfortably squished between two of Gerard's relatives who are old and smell funny. One of the cousins just told a story about when Mikey was really little and stuck forks in the toaster. There are tears, but we're all laughing too. Ryan disappeared the second everyone got here and I don't have any idea where she is. I wish I could go look for her, but I don't know how I can escape...

Gerard's P.O.V.

Well, she's not in the backyard. I go back inside and head upstairs. I think I know where she is now...

Ryan's P.O.V.

I'm sitting on Mikey's bed, looking at a picture he had of all of us. I'm sitting on Gerard's lap, Frankie is standing behind us, giving Gerard bunny ears, and Ray and Bob are holding Mikey in a horizontal position. "I'm so sorry Mikey...It's all my fault I-" I am overtaken by tears. They make a big wet spot on my dress and part of Mikey's bedspread. "I don't deserve friends like all of you guys...I'm so so sorry. It was my job to save your life and I failed...Everyone says they don't blame me, they blame the guy who stabbed you, but how can that be? I...I should've died. Not you. Never you, Mikes." My tears pour again.

I look around at the room I've been familiar with as far back as I can remember. Before Mikey was born, it was a playroom and Gerard and I used to do tons of stuff. Then Mikey came along. "I deserve to die..." I whisper.

Gerard's P.O.V.

I take the stairs two at a time and tiptoe down the hallway. Mikey's bedroom door is open a bit. I peek in and see Ryan sitting on the bed, talking to Mikey. Several times she has to stop because of her tears. Then I hear her whisper something I clearly was not supposed to hear - "I deserve to die..."

NO YOU DON'T!!!!!!!! my head screams, but my heart is in my throat and I'm rooted to the spot. Slowly, I turn and go back downstairs, unable to think of anything else to do, much less anything I could say to her.

Frankie's P.O.V.

One of Gerard's cousins has just finished her story about how when Mikey was really little, he stuck a bunch of forks in the toaster and pushed the little thingy down. He was always so crazy... Suddenly, there's a crash and a scream from the kitchen.

Ryan, my conscience says. I'm running before I'm even fully standing. I make it to the hallway and somehow Gerard is right behind me, from wherever he was. We enter the kitchen.

"Put the knife DOWN, Ryan," Mrs. Way says. Ryan - My baby sister, my best friend - is holding an enormous knife, tears streaming down her face and an odd look of resignation on her face.

"No. I don't deserve to live," she says.

"Yes you do! No one deserves to die, Ryan. Please, just...Please," Mrs. Way begs her.

"DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?! I KILLED YOUR SON!!! IT'S ALL MY FAULT, WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?!?!" she screams, the knife dangerously close to several vital organs.

"Ryan, please. You've got to understand-it wasn't your fault. Please, sis, just put it down," I say, trying to calm her down. Gerard is sneaking up behind her, making to grab her arms. He does and pins them to her sides.

"NO! LET ME GO! I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE! LET ME GO!!!" Ryan screams. I approach her cautiously. Ryan has never handled her grief or her anger in a good way, and this is the worst. She's grieving Mikey and angry at herself...Please, Ryan. I can't lose you...

Mrs. Way strides up to her and takes Ryan's face in both of her hands. "Listen to me. I have lost my youngest son, I can't lose my daughter too," Mrs. Way says, deathly quiet.

The last time anything like this happened, Ryan had lost a child on the operating table. After a more successful-and by successful, I mean there was a hospital stay involved- suicide attempt and four months of therapy, she reluctantly went back to work. Thankfully, no one there knew anything other than that she had been sick, they didn't know why or with what. This is worse than then. I know it doesn't seem like it, but it is.

Ryan's chest is heaving and tears are on all our faces now, except Mrs. Way's. She is oddly calm. Gerard is looking at Ry with so much love in his eyes, I'm surprised there aren't hearts pouring out of them instead of tears. Ryan stares at me with her piercing green eyes. She breaks down into more tears, drops the knife and I wrap my arms around her. Gerard wraps his arms around the both of us.

Gerard's P.O.V.

At this point, I know it will, eventually, be okay. Just when, I'm not so sure...It's going to take Ryan a long time to get better this time...