Adored..

September 4,

Dear Diary,

Something awful is going to happen today.

I`m delusional. I don`t even know why i wrote that. I have no reason to feel like this, to be upset. Everything is going to go by just fine. But then, why am i writing this now, sweating and breathing heavily after the terrible nightmare that scared me to death, at 5:37 in the morning? Why is this nagging feeling in the back of my mind, this uneasiness i get whenever i think about the day that lies ahead of me? I don`t want to tell Bridgett about it and concern her more than she already is. I`m scared. They are going to be there for me today, mom and Bridgett and that is the only thing that calms me down right now.

It`s so beautiful. And silent. The only people roaming the beach are the surfers, zipping up their wetsuits before slipping into the waves near the pier. I have never really thought that i would end up living here, in Huntington Beach, California. I came here a few times, visiting Bridgett and Isaac, but staying here for good was something i had not imagined to happen a few months ago. Beaten to a bloody pulp, raped and almost getting killed was not exactly in my plans, either. I don`t even know when it all changed. The first time he cussed me, i ignored it, blaming the amount of alcohol he used almost every night after he got fired. The first time he hit me, i packed my bags and left him. I came back, tough, after his calls and what seemed like sincere pleads.

He never let me go after that. He started drinking more than usual, he even started taking drugs. We always fought, and he locked me in the house, usually in our bedroom. I had no access to a telephone, i could not even get to the bathroom when he was gone. He tied me to the bed post in the morning when he left, and when he came back home, drunk and stoned he beat me and raped me,over and over. He never listened to my cries, to my pleas, he never let go of me when i pushed him away, so after a while i stopped fighting him. I just layed there and let him punish me for whatever he thought i did not do right.

I had never felt so scared and useless in my entire life. I was scared, because i had no idea what was going to happen, if he wanted to kill me or let me die of starvation and because of my wounds. And useless because i knew there was nothing i could do to make him stop hurting me. There were rare the occasions he left me alone at home for days in a row. He was either too wasted to find his way home, or he was busy banging prostitutes. I was never more thankful for the night he decided to spend at one of his friends, the night when Bridgett came looking for me after weeks of ignoring her calls. She brought the police along, and they took me to a hospital. A few days after i woke up, Bridgett told me they found him and arrested him.

She insisted i moved in with her and her son and i accepted. So here i am, slowly healing, sitting on Bridgett`s porch, wrapped up in a blanket, with my old diary and a pen in my hands, watching the sunset and listening to the sound of the waves crashing. Today i was going to have to testify against Robert, the only man i have loved and hated more that i thought possible. The man who scarred me and broke me in so many ways. And i was scared.