Mad Like Me

Holy crap. I am in deep shit right now. Remember when I decided to leave my room in an antibiotic induced daze? Yeah. Remind me never to do that again.

I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s just say I pissed off the wrong girl. You get three guesses and the first two don’t count. Now I’m lying here, bruised with an even worse headache than before (courtesy of Raquel slamming my head into the wall). I mean, what the hell? Who beats up a sick person? That’s just plain wrong.

Ah well. Could’ve been worse. I could’ve told Dr. Gonzalez off. Or gave Luna the finger. Or told Jay how I actually feel about him.

…

Yeah.

Oh, and now it seems like the majority of the patients are sick. You know how fast things can spread when you’re in close quarters. Luna’s lying on her bed moaning, and Willow’s been sleeping for the past three hours. If only Raquel would fall ill. Then my problems would be solved for the time being. But no. Now I have to worry about running into her whenever I leave my room. Why oh why couldn’t she be as incapacitated as everyone else?

My seventh grade history teacher once told us that life sucks and then you die. I do believe he was right.

And now someone’s knocking on the door. It sounds like a drum beating in my ear.

“Go away!” I rasped as loud as I could.

The knocking gave way to a voice. I couldn’t recognize it, but it sounded sick. Groaning, I climbed off the top bunk and hobbled over to the door. I opened it and Jay was standing there, looking miserable.

“I’m sick,” he moaned. No shit. His skin had taken on a sickly pallor with dark circles under his eyes, and he was sort of swaying back and forth like he could barely stand.

“Thank you Captain Obvious.”
“No problem, Sergeant Sarcasm.’
“Why are you here? Other than to state what I can plainly see?”

“I’m bored,” he whined. “And I can’t sleep. And there’s nothing to do.”
“How about lie in bed facedown and feel sorry for yourself?” I suggested. “It’s always worked for me.”
“We’re trying to prevent another suicide attempt, remember?” he reminded me. “Can I at least have some company?”

I sighed and felt some snot come out of my nose. I sniffled and wiped my face with my sleeve.

“Why not? I’ve got nothing better to do. Only problem: I can barely walk. And from the looks of it, you’re not in any better shape.”

“Why can’t we just hang out in here?”
“The hell you’re coming in here!” called Luna, her voice muffled by the pillow. “I’m trying to sleep!”

“That’s why,” I grumbled. “Now let’s get moving before I pass out “

This gives you just an idea of how out of it I was. Even my normal boy-crazy hormones were out of whack. Cat’s not overjoyed to be getting attention from a cute boy? It’s a sign of the apocalypse!

Needless to say, it was with a great deal of sniffling and coughing that we traipsed back to his room. I was in a daze, so I sort of just nodded and grunted to whatever he was saying, which, if he had what I had, was probably incoherent anyway.

“So why am I here again?” I mumbled, trying to keep my head up.
“I’m boooored,” Jay moaned. He sat down on the bed and fell back, nearly hitting his head against the pastel-painted wall.

I rolled my eyes.
“And what do you expect me to do about that?” I growled.

Jay just shrugged, closing his eyes.
“I just wanted company. Geez.”

“Yeah, well I’m in a pissed-off mood today and I don’t want company. So if you’ll excuse me…” I turned and reached for the doorknob.

“Wait.”

I paused, spun on my heel, walked over to the bed. What the hell does he want?

“What? I want to sleep. Let me go back to my room and sleep.”

Jay sat up, stretching and yawning in a way that reminded me so much of a cat.

“Can you just stay in here?” he pleaded. “I mean, you can even sleep on one of the beds. I just don’t want to be alone.”

Oh dear. I sank down to the bed next to him.

“Why don’t you want to be alone?” I asked, choosing my tone carefully.
“I’m feeling depressed,” he muttered. “And I don’t totally trust myself.” The side of his mouth twitched into something between a sneer and a smile. “If you know what I mean.”

Of course I knew what he meant. How many times had I gone with my mother on errands because I didn’t trust myself? How many times had I called up my friend Delilah when I had nothing to talk about, simply because I couldn’t be alone? How many times had I forced my sister to hang out with me just to keep myself from making that choice, that one action that could end my pain? It’s hard to slit your throat while you’re picking up the dry cleaning.

“Yeah. I guess I do.” I scooted a little closer to him. “Have… have you thought about telling the doctors?”

“I don’t want to,” he sighed. “They’ll just put me on more meds, make me more drugged-up than I already am. That’s the opposite of where I want to go. Each pill is a step back. And if you take too many steps back, you’ll eventually find yourself on the edge of a cliff.”

“I know. I understand. I’ve been going through the same thing. But if you’re suicidal… I can’t be with you every minute, Jay. It might do you some good to tell them. That’s why you’re here, after all, isn’t it? To get help with this?”

“Yeah, but… I don’t know. It just feels weird admitting that I have a problem. Especially to people I barely know.”

“Well…” I cast my eyes down at the floor to avoid staring at the cuteness that was Jay. “You’re admitting it to me, right? And you barely know me.”

“You’re different. You understand. They don’t. They treat me like a kid, a messed-up kid. It’s like I’m just a puzzle for them to try and figure out.” He turned to me and looked me in the eye. I blinked up at him.

“I want to get out of here,” he whispered. “And I can’t do that if they know I’m messed up.”

“But if you’re messed up when you leave,” I told him, “you’re in that much more danger. That’s the point of this place. To save you from yourself.” Oh my God, am I actually defending mental hospitals? This is crazy.

Jay closed his eyes, smiled. A tear ran down his cheek.

“But what if you don’t want to be saved?”