Mad Like Me

Just looked at last night’s entry. God, was I drunk or something? I’m not in love with him. How can you be in love with someone after knowing them for two weeks? Bullshit. You are a total dipshit, Cat.

Waahhhh, just had another encounter with Raquel. We were in Group, and she didn’t even say anything, but the look she gave me! Oh my God, it could’ve killed a dragon, it was so evil. That girl is the she-devil. I am convinced.

Luna asked what was up when I came back to our room last night. She said I looked “like a happy clam under a rain cloud”. I take that to mean I was depressed and happy at the same time??? So I told her about the Raquel thing – though I didn’t mention Willow, who was out of the room – and Luna very nearly flipped out. Apparently Raquel has been stealing Willow away, so Luna’s pissed at her too. By the time we’d been through that discussion, she didn’t really seem to care what had made me so happy/depressed/seriously screwed up.

At least I have another ally in the bullying thing. Should Raquel attack me in public, Luna gave her word that she’d “knock the little bitch into next year”. Damn. That’s devotion.

Okay, I didn’t mention this before, because… I don’t know why. Maybe I thought that if I didn’t write it down, it wouldn’t be real. But the past week or so I’ve been noticing that Luna’s a bit worse than usual. I mean, she seems somewhat stable during the day – like I said, we had a whole conversation. But at night… she has these screaming nightmares. Like, shrieking and writhing on her bed. Willow just ignores it, which I think is wrong. I tried waking her up last night, and got punched in the nose by her flailing fist. As if I wasn’t having insomnia before. What a pair we two make. Both afraid for night to come. One fearing her waking life, the other’s hell waiting for her in her sleep.

Wow. I could be a poet.

Oh, so today we worked on “meaningful conversations” in Group. I was paired with loony Luna.

“So.” Luna scratched her head. “What’s meaningful in your life, chickadee?”
I’ve realized that Luna has given pretty much everyone a bird nickname. So I don’t feel so weird anymore.

“I…um…well, I’ve got a crush?”
“Really? Who is it?” she asked, hungry for more info.
“You get one guess first.”
“Jay.”
“You knew?” I tried to keep my voice from rising.
“Oh, everyone knows,” Luna said, nonchalant about the whole thing. She sat there, examining her nails.
“Who everyone? Everyone doesn’t help me.”
“Oh, Willow. Macy, Raquel, Lizzie, Thomas. Most of the girls, at least.”
“Does he know?” I choked out.
“I don’t know. He never mentioned it. Probably not. You know boys.” I didn’t. “They’re oblivious.”

“Oh, well that helps so much!” I cried. “Thank you for, making me paranoid in the day as well as the night.”

“Sorry, chickadee. If you want, we can talk about something else.”

“Please do.”
“Alright.” She bit her lip. “You know about the, um, the sleeping issues I’ve been having?”

“Luna, I know and I’ve got the possibly broken nose to prove it. It still hurts like a bitch, by the way,” I added. “I need to see the doctors about it. So what about the sleeping issues?”

“Well.” She lowered her voice. “Between you and me, I’m really scared. Like, really scared. I don’t think I’m ever going to get better. Do you ever feel like that? Like you’ll never get better?”

“Every day,” I confessed. “Every freaking day.”

“But you know what?” she said. “A little bit before I came here, I figured out how to beat it.”
“And how’s that?”
“Like anything else, when something’s been with you for a long time, it seems normal. You just stop giving a crap. And that’s what’s made me happy. But I can’t do that with this problem. It’s new. It’s gonna take time for me to become jaded. But eventually, it’ll become normal. And that’s what’s gonna happen with you. How long have you been sick?”

“How long have I been a little off? My whole life. How long have I been lying in bed hyperventilating and crying for my mommy? About three months.”
“And how do you feel about being a little off?”
“I don’t. It’s just how I am.”
“See? And eventually the paranoia will become like that.”

“But I don’t want it to become a part of my life!” I nearly shouted. “I want it gone, gone for good! I don’t want to deal with this shit anymore!”

“Everybody’s got shit. You just gotta learn to stop smelling the shit and flush it away.”
“Ew.”
“You know what I’m saying.”

So that was fun. It’s amazing how genius and insanity go hand in hand. She’s brilliant and mad at the same time. Life’s cruelest paradox.