Mad Like Me

Feel like shit today. I don’t know why, I just do. Maybe because it’s rainy out, or because I got even less sleep than usual last night. But either way, I feel like death, and that feels imminent. Every bone in my body aches right now, and my mind is just bonkers and depressed. Going to hide under covers and hopefully smother myself to death, BRB.

It didn’t work. I didn’t smother myself to death. Unfortunately my survival instincts overtook my impulsive urge to kill myself. What a pity.

Maybe I can try to get to sleep. God knows I need rest.

Nope. No sleep. Guess it’s back to the sheet cocoon.

Maybe Jay can give me a pep talk like last time.

Jay looked up from his drawing pad as I knocked lightly on the open door. Blinking up at me from his bed, he set the pad aside as I stepped in.

“What’s up?” The words were a bit slurred, as if he was tired.

“I hate myself and I want to die.”

“Oh. The usual.” Seeing my face, he nodded. “Okay. Bad joke. Gotcha. Come in, sit down. I’ve nothing better to do.”

Obedient, I sat next to him on the bed. Even sitting, I felt my muscles tense, trying to hold me back, trying to keep me perfect in some futile hope that I could win him over.

“So what’s wrong?” he asked.

“I don’t know!” I cried. “I woke up feeling like shit and Group was boring and you and Luna weren’t at lunch and I still feel like shit!”

Jay just sat there, frowning.

“I don’t really have a pep talk for that one. Sorry.”

I sighed, scrunching my eyes tight and clutching my hair as though to pull it out of my head in frustration.

“I’m sorry. I know it’s not fair to unload all this on you. I shouldn’t be doing this. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” he said. “If nothing else, this will help me with my future career as a psychotherapist.”

“You want to be a psychotherapist?”

“Yeah. I’ve spent enough time around them to know what they do, and I’m really interested in psychology. It’s my back-up plan if artist, designer, and glam-punk rapper don’t work out.”

I laughed a little despite myself. Jokes aside, I couldn’t see why anyone who’d spent so much time in the therapist’s office would ever want to go back. I for one wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. But if that was his dream…

“Well, I’m glad to be of service,” I said dryly. “As my future therapist, what do you suggest?”

“You should probably try to get your mind off it,” he said in his best authoritative tone, which was actually rather convincing. He’d make a good therapist.

“And how do you suggest I do that?” I muttered, closing my eyes again.

“Well, what do you usually do when this happens?”

“Hide under the covers and contemplate suicide.”

“Does it work?”

“I ended up here. What do you think?” I gave a bitter laugh. “Forget it. Sorry for wasting your time.” I rose to leave, but he caught my wrist.

“Wait. Cat.”

I sank back down to the bed, knowing that, good friend that he was, he wouldn’t let me leave sad. Not to mention that the feeling of his hand on mine was sending tingles up and down my arm.

“You’re not wasting my time. I actually quite like your company. And enjoy trying to cheer you up. I want to see you happy, and I’m not letting you leave until that happens.”

My heart swelled. He cared about me. It was all I could do to stay put and not hug him.

“So I want to help you. What makes you happy?”

“Singing. I guess.” I sounded absent even to myself, since all I could think about was how wonderful it would be to hold him tight and never let go. What can I say, I’m a romantic. And however corny and impossible it may sound when I say I was in love with him after two weeks, it was true. I fall fast and I fall hard.

“So what do you want to do?”

“Kiss you.”

I blurted it out without even thinking. My cheeks colored as I slapped a hand over my mouth. Jay looked shocked, to say the least, but nodded.

“I’m sorry!” I cried. “I didn’t mean-“

Jay silenced me by moving closer. By now my heart was pounding with anticipation and anxiety. He leaned in to whisper in my ear.

“Would you believe me,” he said softly, “if I said I felt the same?”

I turned to face him, and his deep teal eyes met mine. I leaned in, and our lips met. Fireworks exploded in my mind as I wrapped my arms around him, our chests pressed together. He pulled me towards him. His lips were soft and warm and tasted like something sweet. When we finally pulled apart, it felt as though every muscle in my body had relaxed.

My hand slowly rose to my mouth, fingers grazing my lips. First kiss. I looked up at Jay. He was smiling, but he seemed a little hesitant.

“I…” I couldn’t get any words out.

“Cat? What’s wrong?”

“I… uh…” I felt the panic attack coming on and bolted up off the bed. Oh my God.

“Cat?” asked Jay. “Are… are you okay? I didn’t mean to-“

“I gotta go!” Finally finding words, I dashed out of the room. The halls seemed too bright, light glaring against my eyes. Darting down the hall at light speed, I yanked open the door to my room.

The room was dark, but light from the halls was pouring in. Luna and Willow were lying on Willow’s bed, bodies entangled, engaged in what was apparently a makeout session. They both sat up at the same time, ramrod straight, blushing furiously.

“Cat,” cried Luna. “This isn’t what it looks like-“

I slammed the door shut and ran, ran faster than I can ever remember running. Reaching a supply closet, I dove in and curled up in the corner, hiding behind the brooms. Body trembling, I put my head in my hands. I was hyperventilating by now, breath coming in short, sharp bursts. Hot tears poured down my cheeks. This was a panic attack at its fullest. On top of that, I felt lightheaded, the shaft of light coming from under the door dancing wildly in my vision. Finally the light went out, and my world plunged into total darkness.

Too tired to write the rest now. Gonna try to sleep and write more later. ‘Night Journal.