Mad Like Me

The rest from yesterday-

Bright lights awoke me. I blinked against the fluorescent waves coming down on me. In the corner of my vision something was moving. I turned my head. I was lying on a bed, not my own, in a room I’d never been in, with a doctor and Dr. Gonzalez, my therapist.

“What happened?” I croaked. My voice sounded like I was drunk. Or stoned. Or both.

“We found you in the supply closet,” said the doctor. According to his nametag, he was Dr. Reece. “You were out cold. It’s a good thing Macy reported that she’d seen you run in there. If we hadn’t found you, you’d be a lot worse off than you are now.”

“No. I mean what happened to me?”

Dr. Reece sighed.

“Well, judging by reports from some of the other patients, we think you had a severe panic attack.”

“And you were knocked out,” Dr. Gonzalez chimed in, “from de running. I told you dat your new medicine lowers your blood pressure. You can’t do any strenuous activity. Is dat clear from now on?”

I nodded.
“Good,” said Dr. Reece. “We’re going to keep you here overnight for observation. If you need anything, just call.”

“Can you go to my room and get my journal?” I asked.

“Sure. I’ll have Luna bring it down.”

A few minutes later, Luna came in, bearing my journal.

“Cat,” she started. “What you saw in there-“

I held up my hand.

“Please. Luna. Not now. My mind is already too blown.”

“What happened?” she asked. “Wanna talk about it?”

“Not really. Goodbye.”
Luna sat down on the edge of the bed, as if she hadn’t heard me. She sighed.

“I…” she started. “Well… What I gotta say is… Well, first of all, I like girls.”

“Yeah. I kinda guessed that. Now I really don’t want to talk about this, so please leave.”

“Look, I’m sorry. You… you weren’t supposed to see that.”

“Luna, it’s cool,” I told her, rolling away from her a bit. Her sitting on the bed bunched up the blanket in a way that really bugged me. I couldn’t feel that. It hurt, okay? It just… hurt. “I’m totally cool with that. You don’t have to apologize for who you are.”

“No.” She turned to face me and put her hands on my shoulders. “I do have to apologize. Because what I felt with Willow… it was nothing. I was thinking of someone else.”

“And who’s that?” I drawled. Blanket problem fixed, I was feeling a heavy fatigue settle over me.

“You.”

There was a brief moment in which we just stared at each other. Then she started to lean in.

“Whoa! Luna!” I shoved her back, so hard that she nearly fell off the bed. It wouldn’t have mattered if she did, because the look on her face was already stricken. Tears were already forming in her hazel eyes. She bolted up from the bed and ran out of the room, slamming the door behind her.

A moment later, Dr. Reece poked his head in.

“What happened?” he asked.

“Nothing,” I muttered. “It was nothing.”

Holy fucking shit Journal. Holy fucking shit. This has been a day of total mindfuck experiences. I mean, first my crush kissed me, even though he’s gay. So I ran. Then I had a fucking… episode, and passed out in a closet like some garden variety drunken partyer, when I would never normally stoop to that level of humiliation. And on top of that, my roommate is apparently in love with me. Ho. Ly. Shit.

Still in the bed now. It’s around two in the morning, so I apologize if my handwriting is sloppy cuz I can barely see. I haven’t gotten a wink of sleep… well, actually I think I slept for about an hour, but that’s not the point. The point is that I have no clue what to do.

God. Jay probably hates me now. Worse, he probably thinks I hate him. I mean, I liked the kiss. I’m just not good with confrontation and that was just… mindblowing. I mean, who would’ve thought that my first kiss would be with a boy who was gay? Or at least, that I thought was gay. But he said he liked boys so

Oh. God. I just had an a-ha moment. I see it now. He’s not gay. He’s bi. That’s the only possibility. Dumb shit that I am, I never considered that an option. So stupid. That explains everything.

Dumb shit.

And Luna. I… why would she like me? Of all people, why me? This can’t be real. She’s probably just going through some sort of psychotic episode or something.

I feel so scared. I know it’s just paranoia, but oh my God. I think I see someone in the corner, in the shadows. Like… someone slumped or crouching. What if it’s a corpse? No, that’s not possible. I know it’s impossible. But I can’t get the thought out of my mind. Did it just move? Oh shit… I feel like I’m gonna be sick. Just picturing it… oh my God. That’s it. I have to call the doctors. I’m sick, sick in the head, and I need help. I can’t do this by myself.

There. I just screamed for the doctors. I can hear them coming. Either that or it’s murderers. Hyperventilating… breathe, Cat, breathe…

The lights flicked on, hitting me like a wall. Several doctors were standing in the doorway, including Dr. Reece and Dr. Gonzalez. Their breath was heavy, and their eyes were wide.

“Cat? What’s wrong? What’s happening?” asked Dr. Reece, panicked.

I just squeezed my eyes shut and felt the hot tears pour down my face. My head felt like it had been pumped full of helium.

“Oh God. She’s having a panic attack. Okay. Cat, I need you to open your eyes.”

I shook my head. Dr. Reece’s voice was closer.

“Theresa, go get a paper bag and some tissues. Mike, get me a 304B, just in case.’

“What’s a 304B?” I sobbed.

“Shh, you don’t need to worry about that.” He was stroking my hair now, and I was trying to slow my breathing down. “Okay. Cat, I need you to stay with me. What scared you?”

I just pointed to the corner of the room where I’d seen the possible corpse.

“That? The oxygen tanks? Okay, why do you think that scared you?”

Footsteps now, and the sound of paper.

“Breathe into dis bag, Cat,” said Dr. Gonzalez, emotionless as ever. “Slowly,” she added as I took great, gulping breaths.

Finally I was able to slow my breathing down enough to talk. I still refused to open my eyes, though.

“Feeling better, Cat?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Then can you tell me what scared you?”

“Corpse. It looked like a corpse.”

“Okay. Now I need you to open your eyes,” said Dr. Reece in a calming tone.

I shook my head, sure that if I opened my eyes I’d see a skeleton talking to me.

“Please? It’ll help you, I promise. You have to face it. It’s just your mind. There is nothing to be afraid of.”

I took a deep breath and opened my eyes. Dr. Reece was crouched next to me, the other doctors standing by.

“Okay, now in the corner are some oxygen thanks. You thought they looked like a corpse in the darkness. I want you to turn around so you can see that they’re just oxygen tanks.”

I wrenched my head to the side. Indeed, all that lay in the corner were some metal oxygen tanks.

I sighed and ragged sigh.

“Could you just… just take them out? Please? And keep the light on?”

“I’ll do you one better,” he said. “I’ll do that and I’ll stay with you for the rest of the night. Would that be good?”

I nodded.

“Okay then. Guys,” he said to the other doctors, “you can leave. I’ve got this one.”