Mad Like Me

Okay. Let me just say that my life is shit right now, and that I can not be held accountable for any death threats I make from here on out.

I was okay to go to Group today, though I’m still embarrassed about last night. Thankfully, no one mentioned it. Nothing new, I guess. Here’s how it went down:

I hunched over in my chair, pulling my blanket around me. I felt like a child, needing the security blanket, but I couldn’t help it. I needed it. It made me feel safe.

Luna didn’t even glance at me, she was too busy humming and doing that twitchy thing with her fingers. If she was aware of the world around her, she didn’t show it.

“Okay, everyone.” The doctor heading the Group claps her hands twice, trying to get our attention. It’s someone new today, not the usual woman whose name I can never remember. She is obviously unable to take control, for the patients don’t stop talking. I think I’m the only quiet one in the room. Until the door opens.

My head swivels toward the noise in time to see Jay walk in. He looked like crap – like he didn’t get any sleep. Shoulders slumped, bags under his eyes, he carried the air of someone who’d just lost a bet with the devil.

What do I say to him? He must hate me now.

I nodded to him in greeting, but he didn’t respond. He just took a seat and put his head in his hands. That was like a knife to my heart. I was the one who made him feel this way. And yet, I felt… good, somehow. Powerful. I’d never been in control of anyone in my whole life. It gave me a sort of high, like his pain was my drug…

I smacked myself in the face, not conscious of how I must’ve looked, only concerned about getting that thought out of my head. How cruel could I be? It was sick.

“Excuse me!” called the doctor. She was a frail-looking thing, short and thin, with a mane of curly brown hair like a lion. “We’re about to start.”

Finally the other patients settled down. Now that the wall of people was gone, I saw that Jay’s chair was directly across from mine. He’s lifted his head and kept his eyes on the doctor. His eyes were just full of so much anger and pain that my stomach churned.

“As you can see, Dr. Mina is out today,” said the sickly woman. She coughed twice. “I’m Nurse Rika, and I’ll be heading Group today. So how about we start with our usual sharing, yes?” She flipped through her note cards as we all groaned. Sharing was always horrible. “Finn, you go first.”

One of the boys stood up. He was new, and it was obvious that he was a bit slow.

“What’s… what’s sharing?” he asked in a too-loud voice.

“Sharing is… well… you.” She pointed at me. “You probably know better than I do what sharing is. Would you like to explain it to Finn?”

I stood up.

“Sharing is when we tell everyone what emotions are going through our heads and any thoughts we have.”

“Excellent. So Finn, what are you emotions?”

“I’m… I’m sad.” The words didn’t match the grin on his face. I felt sorry for the poor kid. At least I wasn’t as bad as him. In some respects, anyway.

“Okay. And why are you sad?”

“Because… I don’t know you guys.”

Nurse Rika nodded.

“Okay, thank you Finn. Moving on, how about that nice girl who explained what sharing is?”

I took a deep breath and lifted my head high.

“I feel embarrassed, mostly because of my outburst of insanity last night, which I’m sure you all heard, but also for reasons I’m not going to say, because it would only make other people as embarrassed as I am.” It came out in one huge, run-on sentence, but I got it out.

Sharing continued on as usual. One girl talked about how happy she was that her baby sister was finally walking (she doesn’t have a sister). A young man told us how sad he was that his friend just died in combat (most likely a delusion, since they don’t let us have contact with the negativities of the outside world). Eventually we got to Luna.

“I’m embarrassed, like Cat, although for different reasons. It appears that I’ve lost my favorite skirt, and now I’m stuck in these men’s trousers, most unfitting for a lady.”

The sad part? She doesn’t have a skirt. She doesn’t have access to her own clothes. She’s been wearing pants since the day I met her.

“Alright. Next?”

“Wait!” cried Luna, bursting out of her chair. “I wasn’t finished… I almost forgot… I’m sad because nobody loves me back.” She sat back down, deflated.

“O…kay. Next?”

The next few people went by in a blur; I was too busy thinking about Luna. It was true, she did seem to have a genuine love for everybody in the hospital. Even the evil people. And nobody really appreciated that. I made a mental note to be nicer to her.

Jay was the last one to share.

“I’m sad. And angry. I’m not going to say why, because the only person that has reason to know already knows, and there’s no point in causing more problems for myself and that person.” He crossed his arms, closed his eyes and turned his head away from the rest of us, defiant as ever.

I know. Fun, right? And he didn’t sit with us at lunch, either. I feel so sorry for him, and I want to apologize, but I don’t know how. I just want him to come to me first, I guess.