Mad Like Me

Fuuuuuuuuccccckk.

Here I am. In the hospital. The real one, not just the crazy ward anymore.

I tried to kill myself, Journal. Really I tried. I couldn’t take it anymore. They made me hate myself. Raquel and Willow. Beat me up. I just couldn’t get through it.

I dove off my bunk, headfirst, onto the tiled floor.

Bleeding. Bruising. Concussion city.

They carted me off to the hospital. The real one. So now I’m in bed, with my eight stitches and nurse monitoring me.

I’m sick and tired of people. Just… they’re horrible. Why are people so mean? I don’t understand it. What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve this? I’m sick. They all know I’m sick. So why aren’t they helping me? Why are they beating me up and breaking my ribs, my heart, my brain? I don’t understand…

No visitors. None of my friends are on a high enough level to be allowed outside the nuthouse. Oh, yes, they never told me about the level system. Start on level one, get out on level five. Day trips are level three. Luna and Jay are level two.

Jay. I really need to see him right now. I need a friend.

Speaking of friends, why hasn’t she contacted me? My best friend. Delilah. She was the only thing that kept me going for a long time. I haven’t talked about her in here, I know, but she means the world to me. So why hasn’t she called? They must be intercepting the calls. She more than anyone would know that I need compassion. And she’s just the person to give it to me.

It’s dark outside. There’s no moon. A true North Jersey evening, moon obscured by pollution, city noises going bump in the night. What if I was down there? The only way I’d be down there would be if I jumped out the window. Died. But maybe that wouldn’t be so bad…

The nurse peered over my shoulder and glanced at my notebook. I slammed it shut, pen still on the page.

“Excuse me, but what business is this of yours?” I snapped.

She raised her hands in a defensive pose and back away. The woman was pretty, too pretty, as far as I was concerned. No one should be allowed to be that pretty; not when people like me drew the short straw with our looks.

There was a knock on the door. A man poked his head in.

“Catalina, someone is here to see you.”

I gave him a silent glare, and he backed out. In his place, a girl stepped in. She was of average height and weight, with scarlet-streaked black hair cut in a bob, the streaks matching her chunky red glasses. She wore all black, from her sequined tank top to her baggy cargoes. The girl ran over to me and gave me a hug as best she could while I was in bed.

“Cat!” she cried. “Oh my God! I haven’t seen you in so long!”

“Delilah!” I hugged her back. Though her arms were thin and wiry, she managed to squeeze the air out of me. Grinning, she kissed me once and pulled back.

“How are you?” she asked, sitting on the edge of the bed. “I tried calling the institute, but they said that they could let me talk to you. What gives?”

“I don’t know,” I said honestly. My mood had lifted about ten octaves. The low, painful buzzing in my mind was now a high-pitched squeal of joy. “They wouldn’t let me call you, and God forbid we go on the internet in that hellhole.”

“Your mom called and told me what happened. Cat, I’m so sorry. I should’ve realized… I should’ve told someone before it got this bad. You never seemed like… like you wanted to kill yourself.”

I slouched against the pillow.

“Well, I didn’t,” I told her. “At least, not as much. But it’s so horrible in there. These two girls, Raquel and Willow? They keep beating me up, bullying me, making me feel like crap and I couldn’t take it anymore. Plus my parents came a couple days ago…” I ended up telling her the whole story of the past weeks, how horrible it had been. I felt guilty even mentioning Jay. What if she noticed the way I talked about him? I liked him so much, but how could that be right when I was in love with Delilah?

Yeah, you heard me right, Journal. Delilah’s not just my best friend, she’s my girlfriend. We’re crazy in love. Or at least, I thought. Until I started having feelings for someone else.

I’m sure you’re confused, Journal. I’m pansexual. That’s when you like guys, girls, transmen, transwomen, bigender people, and everything in between. To be honest, there’s a reason I kept it a secret from you. Other than my insanity and lack of social skills, my sexuality was why I was ostracized at my school.

And for the record, I feel horrible about cheating on her.

“So you’ve got a friend at least, right?” Delilah said. “That’s something.”

“Yeah. It’s good. But after that thing with my parents… it just pushed me over the edge. You believe me, right? About my dad hurting my mom?” Please say yes.

“Of course I do!” she cried. “Why wouldn’t I believe you? I mean, I probably wouldn’t have seen it without you telling me, but now that you have, I notice it. You can see it in the way he looks at her, the way he talks to her. But some people may not see that.”

“Yeah. I guess.” I closed my eyes and put a hand to my head. The guilt was overcoming me.

“Kitty? You okay?”

She still calls me Kitty.

“Uh-huh,” I muttered. “I’m fine.”

“Really?” she asked. “Because it looks like there’s something you’re not telling me.”

“Well there isn’t!” I snapped. “I told you everything! I told you the good and the bad, and that’s all there is!”

“Okay, okay. Calm down,” she soothed. “It just seems like something’s wrong. And if something’s wrong, I want to help you.” She put her hands on my shoulders. “You know you can tell me anything, right? I won’t tell people if you don’t want me to.”

I gritted my teeth and balled my hands into fists. She noticed. Just as she was about to say something, the nurse walked in.

“Catalina, you have another visitor.”

If it’s my parents, I am going to scream. I lifted my head up high, prepared for my father’s death stare.

But I didn’t see it.

Instead, Jay stepped in, shoulders hunched, looking embarrassed.

“I would’ve waited if I knew you had another visitor,” he said with a nervous smile.

“Not a problem,” I muttered. Oh yes. Huge problem. “Delilah, this is Jay, the friend I told you about. Jay, this is Delilah. My girlfriend.” I added emphasis on the last word and sealed it with a look that could cut stone. He obviously got the message, because he gave me a little nod before turning to Delilah.

“Hi,” she said, reaching a hand out. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“A pleasure,” he stuttered, returning the handshake. Obviously, he was a bit taken aback at the implications I was making. He knows I cheated with him.

“Cat was just telling me about the whole… well, everything that’s been happening.”

“Yeah. Everything’s been pretty insane,” he said. “No pun intended.”

“How did you get here?” I asked him. “Sneak out a window? Knock out the lady at the front desk? Drug the crazy police?”

He laughed.

“No, I actually came here with permission. Which is good, because if I tried to fight my way out of there, I’d be the one in the hospital bed.” He chuckled again, but it wasn’t genuine. “They decided that it would be good for you to have a friend with you, so they let me out under heavy guard. Of course, there’s a doctor right out that door.” He pointed to the hallway, and sure enough, I saw a shadow near the door. “Obviously they didn’t know that someone else would be here to offer you support.”

I looked at Delilah, sort of dumbfounded myself.

“Well, I actually have to leave,” she said. “My parents wanted me back before 7:00. I’ll see you soon, Cat. Try to convince the doctors to let me talk to you.” She gave me a kiss that lasted just a second too long, as if she was trying to prove something to the boy watching, and skittered out of the room. We waited until she was out of earshot.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he hissed.

“I… I don’t know!” I cried.

“Shush. Don’t let the doctor hear. If I’d known… why didn’t you tell me you were bisexual?”

“Pansexual,” I said automatically.

“What?”

“I’ attracted to people of all gender identities, including transsexuals.” I gave the speech that I’d given so many times.

“Fine. Details, details. But what I don’t get is that you kissed me. Twice. While you were in a relationship with someone else.”

“Maybe I forgot!” I growled. “For a second, I forgot. You know when you eat junk food even though you know it’s bad for you? That’s what happened here.”

“So now I’m junk food?” He sighed. “Cat, I don’t like being the other woman.” I raised an eyebrow at that. “It’s an expression. Deal with it.”

“This has nothing to do with you,” I told him. “It’s me.” I slumped my shoulders, feeling defeated. “I was too weak to resist something bad for me. For the record, I feel horrible about both you guys.”

“Well, maybe you should figure out which one of us you really want.” He slunk out of the room, fuming.

I slammed my head against the pillow as hot tears burned at my eyes. You will not cry, you will not cry…

I cried.