Mad Like Me

I’m already starting to go insane. Today I caught myself singing out loud to no music. I’m turning into Luna. But maybe that’s not all that bad.

Group was hell. We were discussing relationships. Of course, not many of us had stories to tell. Who would date a loony? But when it was my turn, the questions dredged up all sorts of bad memories.

You see, Journal, I actually had a boyfriend. We went out for a few months in eighth grade. His name was Ron. I liked him so much.

Unfortunately, he was abusive – physically and emotionally. He always called me fat, and stupid, and basically degraded me in public. It was my best friend, Delilah, who gave me the courage to break up with him. Her mom had gone through the same thing with her dad. So I broke up with Ron, expecting life to go back to its normal chaos.

Not so. After I broke up with him, Ron started spreading lies about me. To the whole school. Saying that we did more then we actually did, that I was a slut, all sorts of bullshit.

I thought when he went to Connecticut for the summer, I’d be free of him. But no, he came back right before high school. On the first the back, he was already spreading more lies. This time to my friends. I wasn’t always this friendless. I hung out with a lot of people, mostly guys. But he stole them away. See, my guy friends still liked Ron. I guess they didn’t understand the concept of emotional abuse, or he lied to them, working his charm like he did with me. Either way, he told them that I talked about them behind their backs. Which, he was in Connecticut all summer, so how would he know anyway? But they believed him, and neither me nor Delilah could convince him otherwise. That’s when my life really came crashing down That’s when the depression set in, and the night terrors got worse, and I had no one to ask for help. My reputation was even further in the toilet than it had been. To this day, I can’t be in the same room with him without wanting to strangle him. I tried that once, in math class on the first day of high school, when the pain was still fresh. Didn’t go so well.

So you can see why this Group session was a disaster to me. When it was my turn, I couldn’t even talk, just sat there. Eventually the thought of him was too much and I kind of went into a blind rage. I took Luna’s advice and screamed, but that didn’t work, so I kicked over a stool. That’s when Mina, the doctor, started yelling at me to calm down. But I dodged her when she tried to grab me. I ran into the corner of the room, put my head on my knees, and sobbed. Now the angry wasn’t a stab. Now it’s more like a raw pain, like there’s a hole in my heart. Everyone was shouting and screaming for me to calm down, but I swatted their efforts away like flies. Even Willow tried to help.

Eventually they stopped trying to help. They went back to the session, and Mina let them leave me in the room, alone. At some point, I got up and went to lunch. Everyone gave me a wide berth, afraid I’d flip out again. Willow looked wary, but at least Luna looked like she was trying to understand. Jay had gotten me a tray while I was still in the Group room, so that was nice. Nobody pushed me to talk about it, which was good. I needed time alone.

Now I’m lying on my top bunk bed, alone in my room. Willow and Luna decided to give me some time to myself. I’m starting to think that they’re not so bad.

I’m starting to get over it. I’m burying the memories in the deep recesses of my consciousness.

What have I become? This screaming, sobbing girl. This isn’t me.

Maybe I do belong here. Maybe this is my destiny.