They're Gonna Eat Me Alive

Anger

Ryan had been gone for a week now, but being away wasn’t making anything better. In fact, it seemed to make things worse. He didn’t know what to do anymore and the only emotions he could register were sadness, loneliness, emptiness. He almost didn’t feel anything. Sometimes he would just sit somewhere like a library or a park or a café and just not feel. Ryan liked not feeling, not thinking. He didn’t have to think about Brendon. He didn’t have to feel anything for Brendon. But before long, he couldn’t get himself to not feel or not think. Wherever he would go, something would remind him of Brendon.

When this happened, Ryan found himself on his way back to where he had come from. To where Brendon was. But he didn’t go to Brendon.

In the middle of the night, he found himself knocking on the door of Pete’s apartment. It took a few minutes, but by the time Pete opened the door Ryan was a wreck. He was crying for the first time since he had left, and Pete wrapped his arms around Ryan and led him into the apartment without question.

They sat on the couch and Ryan buried his face in Pete’s shirt, crying even more. He didn’t know that something that had started out so innocently would turn into this mess. He almost regretted ever thinking about kissing Brendon.

And then Ryan felt a flash of a now unfamiliar emotion—anger. Brendon had been the one to kiss Ryan in the first place. Ryan wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for him. As if it were some sort of switch, the quick pang of anger that Ryan had felt made his tears slow down and he was able to breathe a little better. He lifted his head and looked at Pete through watery eyes.

“Why did he do this to me?” Ryan whispered. Pete felt like his own heart could have broken from that one question. He had never seen Ryan like this before. He had thought he had already seen Ryan at his lowest point but he could see now that he was wrong.

Ryan was silent now and he moved his face to Pete’s, giving him a quick, wet kiss. He could feel Ryan’s tears on his own face now.

“Thank you for always being here for me,” Ryan whispered. He leaned his head against Pete’s shoulder and a few minutes later, he was asleep.
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~Sally